Jasmine Hosts Decadent Birthday Celebration, Death and Starvation Still Rampant Worldwide

by Former Intern Andy


NEW YORK -- Drinks and potable water flowed like wine, the bathroom facilities were luxurious and hygienic, and unlike many third world countries, the place to pee and the place to drink were in completely different rooms.


Amid record instances of death and starvation across the globe, Jasmine, resident of fabulous New York City, celebrated her 27th fabulous birthday at a fabulous bar in the Lower East Side. Fabulous!


The gala began like any other party: a feast of lobster, cracked crab, and filet mignon. What wasn’t finished was tossed into a pile in the center of the room where NYC’s finest patrons danced around it. “We just left it to rot into the night as a symbol to those who aren’t lucky enough to have a food pile to dance around,” said one partygoer. “I mean, some people go days, even weeks, without lobster.”


The guests, bellies swollen with expensive meats and liquors, conversed heartily through the night. They spoke of politics and sports and local goings-on.


An Ethiopian child, his belly swollen with air and more swelling, said, “Sometimes the sadness is okay — an entire village of crying people can produce enough tears to properly hydrate an infant.”


Jasmine the birthday girl, beer in hand and hundreds of screaming guests cheering her on, danced like she’d never danced before for what seemed like hours. “Everyone was clapping for me,” she said. “I felt like I really brought the house down.”


Meanwhile, a teenaged girl in the lawless area of Congo, spent the night cursing God and the gang of armed thugs who robbed her family and burned her house down.


The night of debauchery climaxed with a wild orgy of gold, money, and sex. There were people having sex with gold, gold was having sex with money, and people were having sex with other people while paying for their drinks with fornicating money and gold.


Also around that time, a North Korean child received a government approved coloring book for her birthday. Most of the pages have been censored or torn out, except for a picture of a rainbow. She spent the night coloring the rainbow with the only two government approved crayons she’s allowed: black and white. On the bright side, with those two crayons, her family will eat for another week.


All in all, the party was a success, the guests went home happy, and Jasmine received many pick-up lines which she will likely hear again at her upcoming “27 Years Plus a Fortnight” party, two weeks from now.

why i'm so good

i am a good girl. not because i have no evil in me. not because i particularly like being good. not because i love following rules. what it comes down to, mainly, is fear.

whenever i get in a car, i buckle the seat belt. i don't particularly like seat belts, and if i'm wearing a silk top that i'm afraid will wrinkle and consider going sans belt...i'll then have a vision of myself in a terrible accident. i see my own body fly through the windshield to land in a bloody heap on the concrete. and that seat belt goes on so fast, let me tell you...

the one exception to this is when i'm in a nyc cab. and it's totally counter intuitive, i know. cab drivers are fast and furious, they're completely reckless, and they're ALWAYS talking on the fucking phone to their relatives in bangladesh or wherever in whatever language and yelling. WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS YELLING? but that's besides the point. whatever it is about a cab driver is that even though they constantly cut people off and every corner seems like a near miss, i figure that they must know what they're doing. they're the cutting off, talking and driving experts. also, so many cabs don't even have seat belts.

so i've adjusted that much, i've refrained from enacting in my head my own gruesome death every time i hop into that yellow sedan.

people that annoy me lately

people who don't know that by pressing the yellow strip on the back bus doors, that they will open and stay open (just like it says on the big sticker on the window right in front of their face)

people who keep their earphones half out their ears and need to listen to the music so loudly that i'm being subjected to avril lavigne for the entirety of my 30 minute train ride.

the cab drivers and car service drivers who don't know how to get anywhere in the city. "how should i get there?" my response is usually, "whichever way has less traffic" "which road you want me to take?" listen buddy, i don't drive cars for a living, please figure this shit out yourself.

can you tell i'm cranky? i need to stop working. for forever. and have pretty young things peel grapes and fan me all day on some greek island. or, at the very least, i need a goddamn weekend off.

date questions

my friend alex has said that he can effectively size up any date with the answering of three questions:

1.) what do you think of vegas? (he hates it)
2.) do you like maps? (he feels a love of maps shows interest in travel)
3.) are you religious and why?

then my friend jim will not go on a date with a woman if she cannot answer the following question:

1.) what is mccarthyism?

so i was at a restaurant recently and overheard a guy and a girl (who was foreign) on a date. he says, "so i always ask my dates three questions..."

1.) name all the continents.

she couldn't. then he said, "oh, you're not from here so it's okay that you don't know that."

what?! because when you're from italy, the continents are different? and just when i think the stupidity of both of them might kill me, his next question:

2.) what is the emancipation proclamation?

AHHHHHH!!!! first, what is this, 4th grade social studies? second, the bitch doesn't know continents and you give her an out because she's from italy but you expect her to know american history?!

i thought i might have a heart attack.

also, i wonder if they ever went on a second date. hell, they were perfect for each other, but if they ever got married they'd breed the stupidest children alive...

i love brian williams

i don't think i say it enough. but it's clips like this that renew my undying devotion. i don't want brian to doubt my feelings and get all insecure on me!

fun with keywords! answers edition

sometimes people are obviously looking for something pretty specific.

i feel bad when they're directed to my blog because i almost never have the answer.

but today, today i'll take some time to help these poor wandering souls out.

today i'll be the sage.

1.) i'm not sure what lazy glue is. but i'm certain the fumes from crazy glue won't be good for your eyes. don't be an idiot.

2.) technically speaking, the act of putting underwear on someone is dressing them. want to make a game out of it? time each other and whoever does it the fastest, gets a cookie. don't ask anyone to play this game, it sucks.

3.) everyone makes mistakes, even servers. as long as they're apologetic about it, it's an asshole move to leave them less of a tip. don't be a dick.

4.) check out lily allen, i hear she has a third nipple. don't be a perv. if, in fact, you are the one with the nipple in a weird place, i'm really sorry but don't show me, that's gross.

5.) steve wiebe is still trying to set the world record (and may actually still have it if billy didn't cheat). also, i heart steve. wiebelieve!!!

6.) try this place for eyelash perming. don't try this at home!

7.) i'd guess dan scavino makes 180K. don't be so nosy.

8.) that balding, it's no secret! don't be naive!

9.) first, when you have a boy naked, why dress him up? but by boy, i suppose i'm really talking about men. if you have a naked boy child, yes dress him up. start with some shorts, then a shirt. don't be scary, clothe your children.

10.) looking for a weird jazz blog? you actually found what you were looking for. congrats! don't forget to stop on by once in a while...

11.) now this one, strange as it is, actually makes sense a bit. i immediately thought of "Henrietta 'Mama' Bazoom" from Showgirls who's always dropping her top. beyond that, i have no clue.

12.) strange city of love? looking for a strange paris perhaps? frankly, since i'm in love with all things new york, i'd consider this a city of love. but not the movie love. the gritty, dirty, love. the kind that warms your heart but is littered with homeless people. i don't even really know what i'm saying. ignore me. oh, you already are? then carry along!

signs of adulthood

my coworker lacey just bought a couch.

the first thing out of my mouth was, "oh my gosh, you're officially a grownup."

i mean, think about it. buying furniture that's NOT from ikea. that's something that only your parents do.

i think i've finally found the fountain of youth! the key to staying young is to just never buy furniture or appliances. seriously, what kind of person will you have become when you're buying dinette sets and, gasp! washers and dryers! that means you're, without a doubt, a real person with responsibility who is settling down with expensive things that you are stuck with for a decade.

scary.

food stuff

unrelated to anything, I have to update #29 on my 100 things list with regard to food.

food i've always hated and refuse to try ever again: licorice, cooked carrots, grape jelly

food that i'm now eating: bbq ribs (though, i still hate bbq sauce on chicken, etc.)

food still on my shitlist: bananas and salmon (but i'm really trying with salmon. i eat it every other week and never really enjoy it. it's the color. i just can't stand the color)

a friendly reminder to myself

that it is a good thing i've never slept with derek jeter...

he's spreading the herpes. not like we all didn't know the dude is walking around with a bunch of STDs but this is the first confirmation i've seen of it.
and anyways, i'd never take the risk of getting one of his STDs unless they were in first place anyhow.

sorry for the general lack of posting. work has been tremendously busy. i had this awesome 9 course dinner with wine with an underground dinner club.

i have a dozen notes down that will all be made into posts when i have time. that time is just not now, unfortunately!

also, it's crappy out. poo.

the rufus concert

went to the rufus wainwright concert last night.

it was an outdoor concert and it rained all evening so despite the fact we were freezing messes and looked like drowned rats by the end, the concert was a grand time.

the magic numbers and a fine frenzy opened up for him, both of which were pretty darn enjoyable considering opening bands often suck badly.

i used to wait on rufus and his boyfriend on a pretty regular basis at the soho house. they were always nice as can be.

he chats a lot between songs and is terribly funny. he had several costume changes. he did some judy garland. i fell in love with his trumpet player, as is my way. a concert isn't truly a concert until i start fantasizing about the trumpet player, honestly.

a crazy german girl was singing along to every single song which would have driven me crazy but she had a lovely voice so i didn't mind.

the "encore" was literally another full set (6 songs or so).

in all, freezing rain aside, it was pretty awesome. would see him again in a second.

the regular

when i make my morning starbucks run, nobody asks me what i want anymore. they see me walk in, they write my drink on the cup and send it along.

when they ask the person behind me what they want they often say, "oh, this woman is ahead of me." and they'll respond, "we've already got hers."

i get to the register, i no longer have to say a word and i hand over my card for her to swipe away my $4.50 balance.

it's good to know that if i ever became mute and/or deaf, that i'd still have a place to get my coffee every morning without any complications.

trying...hard...to...keep...a...secret...

so my trip tonight to a certain michelin starred (can't say which one, and won't say how many stars) will likely be my last. that is, unless i win the lottery and can afford to actually pay for a meal there.

i'm friends with the chef (also can't give exact title) and so i've always eaten for free and i've loved every single morsel, every last drop of bordeaux, every elegant minute of it.

but for this end, there is also a new beginning. another new york restaurant, i daresay a new york institution, is stealing away my friend. and there, my friend will undoubtedly do some thrilling work as he's uber talented and has been given freedom to do a complete overhaul.

and i want to scream this gossip to the world but, alas, i have to try hard to keep my big mouth shut for once. curses!

p.s. y'all may also see him on t.v. soon. but i can't really talk about this either.

man, is this PAINFUL!

movie review: king of kong

if this little film manages to make it to your town, you must go. website here with trailer.

it's a documentary about the king kong world record high score holder (set in 1982 and since unchallenged), an egoist named billy mitchell, who has built his life around being the master of old-school arcade games. billy is manipulative but somewhere hiding behind his massive mullet and his trophy wife's fake 36EEE boobs (seriously, they're gigantic and take up half the screen in her shots), is a scared little boy, lashing out at the things that threaten him.

enter steve wiebe, a guy who turns to king kong when his life takes a few rough stumbles. steve is sweet, smart, and soooo lovely (i definitely fell in love with him a little bit by the time the movie was over).

the group of people in charge of evaluating and recording high scores (either made in public with witnesses or made at home with a vcr trained on the video game screen) are all in billy's pocket. when steve breaks billy's record, the "authority" refuses to accept his score and accuses him of using a tampered with arcade consul (after they go to his house and physically take it all apart).

what follows is steve's attempt to honestly take the title. his sincerity, talent on the game, and "good guyness" wins him some unlikely friends along the way.

it is one of the better movies i've seen in a while. geekery is on full display and it is riotous. the supporting characters are AMAZING. at certain points you think, "this looks like a christopher guest movie, these people cannot be real." but there they are, in all their glory. through it all you can't help but root steve on. he is the david to billy's goliath. also, did i mention i'm slightly in love with him? unfortunately for me, he's married to a cute woman with a couple adorable children. curses!!

i was lucky enough to go to an advance screening last night and talk afterwards with the directors/producers. AND also to watch steve play kong in person! at the dave and busters downstairs from the theater at a screening after party. such a fun time.

please please go see this. you'll love it, i promise. cities and release dates below:

AUGUST 17
New York (IFC Centre & AMC Empire)
Los Angeles (Landmark Nuart)
Seattle (Landmark Varsity)
Austin, TX (Alamo Drafthouse)

AUGUST 24
San Francisco (Landmark Lumiere)
Berkeley (Landmark Shattuck)
Chicago (Landmark Century Centre)
Minneapolis (Landmark Lagoon)
Washington, DC (Landmark E Street)
Boston (Landmark Kendall Square)
Portland, OR (Cinema 21)


AUGUST 31
Ft. Lauderdale
Dallas
Kansas City
San Diego (Landmark Ken)

SEPTEMBER 7
Atlanta (Landmark Midtown)
Meredith, NH (Meredith 3)


SEPTEMBER 14
Denver (Starz)
Nashville (Belcourt)

SEPTEMBER 21
St. Louis (Landmark Tivoli)

the pines, playing dress up, a single straight man

fire island is less than a 2 hour train ride from the city. it has three main sections: 1.) a straight section that attracts the college kids (and college kid wannabes) who all believe that they're on MTV's spring break 2.) the gays and 3.) the lesbians.

the gay section is called "the pines." all my gays get a half-share (every other week) out there for the summer. this weekend i went out to visit. the pines is amazing. you take a lovely 20 minutes ferry ride out and it docks in the main part of town. all along the port there are bars and restaurants with huge decks/patios so all the gays with their cosmos can wave in the incoming visitors on the boat.

there are no sidewalks here, just a series of boardwalks with sands and tall grasses on either side. it definitely feels like a tiny town nested in the top of a tree. one big swiss family robinson adventure.

at the house, all the boys put on heels and dresses. i combed out their wigs. they are hopeless with makeup so i put on their eyeshadow and mascara. some bronzer on their cheeks. we sang loudly and danced to cher, to various show tunes, britney and madonna. we made jello shots and played card games that involved taking shots of tequila. it was just like when i was 11, playing dress up with my mom's makeup. except these were men and we were drinking alcohol. but i did feel very mother hennish throughout the evening as these grown men transformed into giddy girls.

we headed to an "underwear party" at which i wore a swimsuit (i'd brought nothing but thongs and was not about to walk around with my ass out, even if i was hanging with a hundred gays). then this guy walks over to me and says, "the dj wants to talk to you." "what?!" i replied, thinking that there was no fucking way i was getting hit on in a gay club in the pines. "the dj wants you to come talk to him." "yeah, sure!" i say and the guy walks off. then 20 minutes later some other guy comes up to me, "you!" he says, pointing at me. "i've been looking everywhere for you! the dj has my clothes and won't give them back until brought you over to him."

so this poor naked boy drags me over to the dj, who i then realize was the first guy who came up to me who i ignored. he's actually pretty cute but he's a dj...which means he's poor. "listen," i say, "i come out here to get away from straight men. i'm here at this club, practically naked, only because i assume there will be no straight men here to ogle me. you are ruining this. please stop." he apologizes and gives me this sob story about how he never has time to meet women. i'm like, "dude! you signed up for this. you knew exactly what you were getting yourself into!" but we chat briefly. he gets my number even though i told him i'm not going to call him. "okay, i'm going to call you once. i'll wait a few days and i'll call you again. after that, i promise i'll leave you alone."

with that i return to my boys. there's a lot of stroking going on. poor justy gets hard after this fug dude starts rubbing up against him. he panics and looks to me for help. i run over to him to hide his hard-on and we talk of his grandmother's meatloaf, and whether you should ever put pickle relish in a deviled egg until he goes limp. "you are the bestest friend ever!" he says to me.

that's what friends are for, my dear. that's what friends are for.

saturday was spent at the beach on what was one of the most beautiful days i can remember. a bbq follows and i head back into the city, back to my concrete city, back to the heterosexual people.

more mitt

for those of you who didn't quite get my point before, even jon stewart agrees with me. mitt romney saying his sons are serving their country by helping him is fucking ridiculous. it should be offensive to all those who are serving and have served in our military.

conchords satisfying my francophilia

another song that cracked me up from last week's show. i've never taken french lessons but have picked up enough to make out most of what they're saying in this song. for those that won't understand any of this, it's hilarious only because the whole song is made up of nonsensical phrases. the kind you learn in french 101. "where is the library," "i would like a croissant," "i am going to the pool," etc. also, the addition of random french nouns thrown in for no particular reason.

i love these guys, i really really do...

and another episode aired last night! yipee!!

hungover and a melty dinner at nobu

my sushi night with em turned into TWO sushi dinners last night.

emily's boyfriend's boss calls (president or whatever of a hedge fund worth 11 billion or something) and says he's at nobu and we're to meet him there. nobu used to be IT. THE sushi place in new york. even though there are arguably half a dozen sushi places in the city that are better than nobu, none are hotter/more trendy, none are harder to get reservations at.

we walk in and the host escorts us to a table. on our way we pass THE DONALD! with his wife (stunning) and some couple i didn't recognize (plebeians!). i'd never seen the man in person. that little puff of hair is so fluffy, perched just so above his forehead.

i'm not sure who is ordering because i've had about 6 drinks at this point but food just starts flying over in mass quantities. no matter what it was, it just melted in your mouth. it was absolutely surreal. yellowtail sashimi with jalapeno. spicy and melty. rock shrimp tempura with creamy spicy sauce over field greens with a salty dressing that i can only describe as a strange combination of ground raw tuna with tapenade. i've never had a shrimp (much less a fried shrimp) melt in my mouth but sure enough, it melted! a shrimp, so tender it just falls apart when it hits your tongue. INSANE! black cod with miso (their famous dish, one that is imitated everywhere). and then a special, thinly sliced pieces of kobe beef (seared on the outside, rare in the middle) served with ginger and scallions. and, as kobe beef tends to do when you put it in your mouth...it too melted. HEAVENLY.

all the while sake is being poured like water and i'm starting to remember less and less of the rest of the evening other than some guy at a hedge fund in philadelphia promising to give me a job in philadelphia. i'm hoping i turned him down but at the moment, i have no recollection of what my response was. i remember the boss taking the check, throwing his amex at it without even looking at the total. i wished i'd peeked at it but i think ignorance, in this case, is bliss. actually, the blissful part is being with a guy so rich that he treats groups of 10 and more to nobu regularly without flinching at the bill.

i hobbled out of the restaurant, the donald long gone, and crawled into a cab basking in the glow of my food euphoria.

ugh

from kos:

Asked why it's okay that none of his five sons have joined the military, Mitt Romney responded:

One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get
elected because they think I'd be a great president.

Pstt, Romney? That's not showing support for our nation. It's showing support for you. As the woman who asked Mitt the question said afterward:

The woman who asked the question, 41-year-old Rachel Griffiths of Milan,
Ill., identified herself as a member of Quad City Progressive Action for the
Common Good, as well as the sister of an Army major who had served in
Iraq.

"Of course not," Griffiths said when asked if she was satisfied with
Romney's answer. "He told me the way his son shows support for our military and
our nation is to buy a Winnebago and ride across Iowa and help him get elected."

Still, as insulting as that was, what else was he going to say? They obviously think they're too good, too elite, and too rich to don combat boots with the rest of the rabble in uniform.
Just like the rest of the Republican Party.

I have no sympathy

for these guys. none whatsoever.

some randomness

that whole being waited on hand and foot thing? it's made all the flights of stairs i take every day particularly unbearable this week.

is it strange that a co-worker of mine listens to careless whisper several times a day?

that yankees game i didn't go to? my friends boss who did go said the seats were second row behind home plate. he met a-rod. he also said he's never been so hot, was miserable all game, AND got very severely sunburned.

all morning i thought it was thursday until i got to work, opened up the paper, and found the dining section which only comes out on wednesdays. curses!

on the other hand, wednesday also means sushi day! my friend em and i have a friend who works at a nice sushi place in midtown and we stuff our faces with grade A toro and pay next to nothing for it. whee!

there was a possible tornado in brooklyn. crazy shit.

amelia island

so my weekend was fantastic. it was the kind of break i never get but desperately needed. the weather ended up gorgeously even though rain was forecast through the weekend. damn meteorologists!

it was at the ritz carlton out there and the people at the ritz do not mess around. from the bulgari toiletries to the 15 minute turnaround pressing my dress for the wedding, the whole thing was luxurious. every staff member who passes you says hello and asks if you need anything. i've never been waited on hand and foot before and it was embarrassingly enjoyable.

the coolest part about a destination wedding was the chance to meet and bond with all the other wedding guests so by the time the wedding rolls around everyone knows each other. i got to spend quality time with some good law school friends who i never see anymore. there were about a dozen kids there too. i'm not a fan of children really but these kids were SO MUCH FUN. granted, they were not typical children. the family they came from were practically ethiopian royalty so these kids were mature and such characters (and incredibly spoiled). also the bride has a 10 year old son who is the smartest cutest boy i know.

the breakfast buffet at the hotel was amazing. i could eat there every day for the rest of my life and be happy. also life changing: the frozen mojito. i'm a girl who likes mint. i usually pull my mint leaves out of my mojitos to eat them. the brilliance of a frozen mojito was that the mint had been blended so they were little specks in my freezing glass of happiness. LIFE CHANGING. seriously. i will never be the same. i have a love affair with an alcoholic drink. is that wrong?

fish tacos at the poolside cabana bar were brilliant and served alongside homemade tortilla chips.

the groom had a hot groomsman named dave who was by turns completely immature and insecure or amazingly charming and intelligent. so at times, i hated him. other times, i lusted after him. regardless, he's single, we spent a lot of time together, and i hope he tries to get a hold of me.

in all, it was great. a treat i wouldn't have otherwise given myself. three days that felt like 5. yay.

keywords! ain't winning any spelling bees...

i'm certain they would have gotten it by the fourth try...

take me out to the ballgame!

update: friend's boss offered tickets to someone else! in other words, no hotdogs for me today. sadness.

so even though i'm missing a whole day of work tomorrow, it took me about half a second to accept an invite to the yankees game today. here are some reasons why:

1.) they're playing the white sox, the only other team in baseball i know anything about and my favorite team from when i was little.

2.) they are corporate seats (i.e. better than any other seats i've had)

3.) we have clubhouse passes so we can hide from the sun/heat if we need to

4.) a-rod could possibly hit his 500th homer today

5.) work is boring. go yankees!

have a good weekend folks!

creepy missed connections

twice in the past two months i've been missed connected.

and twice i knew exactly who it was who did the posting.

and twice they were completely sketchy guys who stared/leered/creeped me out and gave me the heebie jeebies.

WHY?! why, when i finally find a missed connection about me, have they been posted by scary people? scary people from whom i was obviously running away when i was stuck on the bus with them, standing near them on the subway platform.

meh.

on the upside, i'm headed to beautiful (read: expensive) amelia island this weekend for a friend's wedding. it's a forced vacation of sorts but i'm excited for it. pretty and i are flying out together and it'll be fun to get some sun at the beach or the ritzy hotel pool. also, it gives me a chance to wear the malandrino (the black dress in my profile picture) that has pretty much been collecting dust since my last black tie wedding a year ago.