Thursday, February 26, 2009

quintessential new york moment

so i'm leaving emily's out in LIC (long island city, just across the
east river from manhattan but a little bit of a no-mans land). i see a
yellow taxi pull up to a building across the stree. i haul ass towards
it to see a guy get out, a girl get out the other side, and him saying
to me, "i'm not getting out."

this confuses me because he actually IS getting out, but i see he's
just walking around, kissing his date goodnight and going to get back
in the car. my mind is in several places. 1.) oh my god! how freaking
chivalrous! dude took a taxi out of manhattan just to drop his date
off! 2.) who does that?! where am i?! 3.) i wonder if he's going back
into manhattan!

"hey, are you going back into the city?" "yeah." "can i come with
you?! i'll hop out whereever. i don't care. i just need to get into
manhattan." "yeah, sure. no problem" "OH MY GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH!"
and i hop in. he's going to midtown to the west side which is perfect
for me. serendippity!

me: did you really just drive out here to drop your date off?
him: yes.
me: where did you come from? someone raised you right. or you raised
yourself right. or something, man!
him: (laughing at me) well i hope so.

he makes a comment about how maybe he ordinarily wouldn't go to such
lengths but that he thinks this one is a keeper. they've seen each
other several times a week for the past month. i said that was a
little intense for me but that i was in no rush to settle down. he
said he wasn't really either, but that there was a lot of pressure
from his parents and aunts and uncles to marry. he's 27. he's the last
single guy under 30 in his family. the catch? most his cousins (he's
an only child) are single and living the good life in nyc. but they're
all over 30 which means they're useless, old, wasted people. all his
family's hope rests on his shoulders, apparently. he said it's a
korean thing. it doesn't sound fair but he's taking on the task i guess.

anyways, he was lovely. paid for the whole tab to his house. i
insisted on getting his info so that i could repay him somehow. am
thinking a hot party invite or some theatre comps will do it as i
often come across both.

then on the way up, the pakistani cab driver and i had a totally
fascinating conversation re: international affairs and pakistan. i
asked what his views were of obama, where we're headed. most his
family is here so he's happy for things to look up here. he has
brothers still in pakistan. talked about how upsetting it is that the
media portrays the country as a terrorist-harboring den of sin. talked
about how his brothers are safe and that the majority of the country
is peaceful.

anyhow, this is why i love new york. people finding each other,
teaching each other things, being kind to one another. the diverse
human contact you get here is just unmatched anywhere i've ever been.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

conan, gweneth, alla, cabbies, the bachelor

i've long had a love affair with conan o'brien. my best friend in grade school were so obsessed with the mere commercials advertising the arrival of his show that we actually had a "conan viewing party" for the premiere. we even loved andy richter. we talked about them as if they were old friends. so it is with great sadness that i had to watch his last episode. and even more sadness that i have to watch him take it up the ass after that shitty-ass move re: leno. conan is one of the only celebrities that i've never seen walking around new york but now i've missed my chance! to the other coast, he's gone. i'm happy i did have the chance to see his show, if only once.
my friend alla came into town recently with her fiance. well, at the time, he was just her boyfriend. she used to live here and then got swept away by a sexy dutch guy. and two years later she came back and we had dinner and she's still the same old crazy, loud, attention grabbing, saying things just for their shock value, clothes-loving princess. i love it. i was afraid she'd get all civil and quiet and european on us. and then she got proposed to, on the staten island ferry and after she finished laughing in his face when she realized what she was up to, she said yes. there's something, to me, that's incredibly sexy about the staten island ferry. it's DEFINITELY not the fact that it goes to staten island, or that it's free. it might be the nathan's hot dog stand.
i'd like to take a moment to declare my crush on gweneth. i've been reading her GOOP blogs and actually really enjoying them. she's friends with mario batali and knows good food. she's a good actress and not a bad singer. i like her husband's band. my only issue is naming your child apple but i'm willing to forgive that and be her best friend anyhow.
i'm still working loads. i would say that i'm enjoying the paychecks but that would be a lie. i barely have enough time to balance my checkbook, much less actually go out or need to use an ATM for anything. so, i'm unintentionally saving i suppose. it's not fun.
i've had a run with lots of cabbies lately (work pays when i'm stuck at the office late). one yesterday was smacking his gum and since that is probably my hugest pet peeve, i tipped him less. i think that was too judgey of me but whatever. i seriously thought i was going to have a rage-induced seizure by the time we got to my house. some cabdrivers have no idea where they're going so i give detailed directions always. then, on the occasion i do get a driver who knows how to get around, he's pissy with me because i'm treating him like a moron. "this is my job, you know," he'll say. meanwhile, for the drivers who don't know which way is north i'm all, "isn't this your fucking job?!" but lately i've had a few chivalrous drivers who wait for me to get into my door before they pull away. it reminds me of being on a date in high school when boys at least feigned manners because they weren't old enough or experienced enough to realize they'd get girls just fine if they were jerks instead.
read some spoilers of the bachelor and they do not make me happy. if you don't want them, stop reading. so jason, apparently, had chemistry for molly and only molly the whole show. that's an issue for the editors who need to make it look like he can't decide. now i hear they've told him that he has to pick melissa first, and can dump her and then date molly. it's a ratings ploy and i can't think of a single reason why he'd do it unless they were paying him up the wazoo for it because he's making himself look like a HUGE ass on national television. so yeah, if true, it all sucks and i'll never watch the show again.

Friday, February 20, 2009

christian scherer the cheater: a compilation

Someone recently left this comment on the blog: "Please find compassion in your heart for someone whom you once loved and take down the posts about Christian Scherer. You have punished him long enough and hopefully worked him out of your system in doing so. It is destructive (and bad karma) to maintain this kind of hate and anger toward anyone. Forgive, forget, move on my dear! You deserve an awesome life! Thank you."

I see their point, but they miss mine. These posts aren't up here to punish him. They're up here to warn other women who might cross paths with him that they can do better. What I wouldn't have given for anyone who knew his ways, to give me a warning. One of his best friends, early on, told me I could do better. But I didn't get it. It wasn't a clear enough warning that, "hey, this guy massively cheats on every girl he meets. He's a compulsive liar with huge psychological issues." 

Less than six months ago someone dropped by and left a note that "he's still at it" and seeing as I knew the almost decade of cheating he had behind him and his complete unwillingness to really acknowledge that he was doing anything wrong meant he wasn't going to stop. And years later, he clearly hasn't. This is a flare for the ladies. We need to help each other out where we can.

SO: all the "Christian Scherer is a remorseless jackass" posts in one place. 

First post

Follow up

Still at it!

I don't think it's the place of an anonymous commenter to tell me to "forgive, forget and move on" or to call me "my dear" but that's besides the point. No nice girl should be fooled by this crazy person. Or, even worse, be stalked by him afterwards for months like he did with me. I was scared to come home nights. He's a freak with an ego the size of California, a man to be avoided at all costs. 

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

kittens! julia allison, cougardom

my friends are obsessed with this video. it must get quoted at least once every half an hour. at least.
i think i let my future husband slip through my fingers the other day. bloomingdales had a sale on cuisinart food processors. originally $200 on sale for $79.99. STEAL. so i get to the table and there are two left and as i grab one, this cute brooklyny-intellectual-looking guy grabs the other one AT THE EXACT SAME TIME. ZOMG. i see he's cute, and am shocked into stunned silence by it all. then i get shy and pretend to look at the other cuisinarts on sale and he gets swooped up by a saleslady and brought to a register across the store. he was definitely meant to be my life partner. how sad is that?
my life is more work than play at the moment. what that means for you is less frequent (and definitely less entertaining, if my posts are ever entertaining) posting.
and i think this is insane. because julia allison is friends with the guy who invented tumblr, she gets to have all tumblrs that are unkind to her taken down. hey julia, fuck you! you are an F-list celebrity for several reasons. 1.) you plagarized for your college paper. 2.) you've devoted your life to hanging around powerful/rich people wearing as little clothing as possible which was the impetus for 3.) you whoring yourself out to an elected official. none of these make you special, they make you pathetic. the only reason that you're anybody at all is because gawker cares enough to write about you. all this is to prove that you, my dear, are no journalist. if a journalist knows and cares about one thing, it's their first amendment rights. you're a hollow shell of a human being and a total sham as far as your "professional" life is acknowleged. you represent everything that feminism has rebelled against for decades. you're a cheating, dumb, gossipy wisp and the only thing you have are your looks. so it's fine that you're a hanger-on because it's the only thing you're good at. but to get holier-than-thou when it comes to freedom of expression on the internet? i mean really...
a guy i know links to his brother's wedding website. as we were chatting yesterday...
me: also, your younger brother: straight, single, local? set a girl up ;)
him: sigh
  he's younger
  better looking
  and, for now, not single
  he's 19!
me: 19?! now i feel so cougary.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My boobs with Patron

V-Day Dinner!

text from colin

"Beloveds, dinner will be served promptly at 8. Fucking to commence thereafter, because underneath your clothes there's an endless story. Unforgettable, that's what you are."
shaking head...

Friday, February 13, 2009

homeless people breaking and entering

so i'm watching tv with julia and ryan at ted's apartment across the hall. colin's dog starts barking and j runs to the door and starts looking out the peephole.
me: what are you doing?
j: checking to see if the crazy woman is back?
me: what crazy woman?
j: i'll tell you after the show.
show is over. colin enters
me: colin! j was just telling me about the crazy woman! why am i just now hearing about this?!
colin: yeah, i've seen her before in the building. i saw her on the 5th floor once and didn't think anything of it.
j: but tell her what happened last week!
colin: so i'd just taken an ambien but i swore i heard knocking, it was just really quiet. so i opened the door and i'm face to face with her. she was hispanic but had like white makeup on her face. and this huge fur coat with, like, rosettes sheared out of the side of it. and she said, "i'm looking for Emile."
ryan: are you sure she wasn't saying "a meal?"
colin: is Emile a name?
me: um, in france it is.
julie: but colin's response to her was, "nobody names Emile lives in this building" and shut the door.
me: yeah, i'm with ryan. i think she was looking for food.
colin: but then the next day, we were over here at ted's and heard someone outside. we look through the peephole and see her knocking at our door again. AND THEN SHE TRIES TO TURN THE KNOB TO SEE IF THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED!
colin: so we called the cops and filed a report but haven't seen her again.
i'll note, at this point, that we all go back and forth between apartments constantly and that the doors are always unlocked. ALWAYS. so the theory now is that crazy lady has actually been inside the apartment because if she's tried that at any time within the past six months, she'd have gotten into either apartment, easy.
moral of the story, lock your damn door people!

Sorry the ink is messy

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A: You are the type who beats your girlfriend.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The party crasher featured on gawker! at a party at espace

Sunday, February 08, 2009

stupidity, conchords! dancing, alan cumming

have you ever met someone so stupid that you really wonder how they function? doesn't it make you want to follow them around for 24 hours or so just to see how they manage to wake up, clean and dress themselves without any help? or how they manage to convince people to give them a job? some people just blow my mind. that is all.
i stumbled upon a presale password for a flight of the conchords concert! and because they were going so fast, i nimbly bought a second pair to sell. cross your fingers that i can make some cash on them.
i've been invited to a gossip girl theme party. this makes me embarrassingly excited. now i finally have an excuse to go out and waste money on a cute little plaid skirt and knee high stockings. and i can break out my patent 3inch mary janes. life is good.
went to a birthday party saturday night at a coolish but not annoying packed LES bar. and literally the dj played every song in this world that i would consider a good dancing song. every single song was one that my friends and i would all look at each other and scream "yes!" or "WOOHOO!" over. that being said, me and the gays are dancing fools. i'm not sure that a lot of dancing typically goes on at this bar. you know, hipsters are too cool and unaffected to really move in a way that one would consider dancing. and it was our friend valerie's party but me and the gays (about 13 of us) seemed to take over the damn party. we always do that. and i'd be annoyed with us if i weren't one of us. but shit y'all. we have so much fun! my boobs were prominently displayed and so the gays were going gaga (why do gay men like boobies so much? envy perhaps?). at one point colin looked at me and said, "kiss me" and so i did. and we made out for a while. which is fine, i've made out with many a gay man. the issue here was that we were kind of on a stage and that we were at a straight bar. so even though i didn't actually wander around the bar enough to notice if there were any lustworthy men there, my makeout sesh with colin definitely killed whatever game i might have had that night.
also likely killing my game? the fact that i was dancing so much and so hard that i was dripping sweat. my little cap sleeved black v-neck sweater was drenched. i had to wring out my shirt and my bra when i got home which is just disgusting! and today i'm dehydrated as all get out. but it was fun and totally worth it and think of the calories i burned?!
in the past week i've run into three different people i used to work with at the soho house. it's a sign. not sure of what. maybe that i'll have to go back to waitressing in the near future? that i'm destined for a trip to london?
justin and i went to see alan cumming (he kept pronouncing "debut" as day-boo which tickled me) at the allen room, high in the time warner center overlooking the park and central park south. it's a stunning space. i didn't know what to expect from alan, but he was so charming and likable. i left thinking, "i wouldn't mind if he were my best friend." he told cute stories about his life in nyc (he was in the flinstones movie and had a vitamin made of him; he met john cameron mitchell who let him, at the time a near stranger, nap at his place), sang a really random but sturdy group of songs. had a good looking band. i really really enjoyed myself, actually. also, he has a lot of famous friends and many of them came to support him (liza!) which was a bit of an added bonus on a random saturday evening.

Saturday, February 07, 2009


Thursday, February 05, 2009

house sitting, cancer, lost

sam, my rich friend who gave me his iphone, is leaving his ridiculous tribeca pad for two months to hop around thailand. and because i've turned down his offer to house sit several times (i never used to have to come all the way downtown. also, he has a super expensive bonsai tree and i'm afraid i'd kill it), he didn't ask. although NOW it would have been uber convenient because it's a 10 minute walk from my new office AND he's got a phat gym in his building. BUT he already found someone else to do it! sucky! (and an aside: thanks for the congrats but this is just a temp thing. i'll probably be out of a job again in two months.)
emily's fiance's best friend in finland, a 34 year old, has been diagnosed with stage IV liver cancer. this is a guy who doesn't even drink and has no record of cancer in his family. he lived here for two years and i saw him often. his facebook religious beliefs now read: "former believer in karma" which is just so sad. he'll start undergoing treatment soon but the cancer in his body is the size of a plum so it doesn't look good. he was meant to be standing up with me in emily's wedding in may so i suppose we'll cross our fingers that he can make it. 34 years old...
 so if you haven't this week's episode. don't read the next paragraph. sotp reading and navigate away from this page. there is no more post below my lost yapping. ciao.
Jin is alive! WHOO HOOO!
i kept telling people i wanted him to be, and that as a major character they owed him more than some lame death by ship explosion but everyone pooh-poohed me. "jasmine, he's dead. get over it!" BUT NO! HE LIVES!!!! so anyway, that made my week. also, they made the french people call tooo easy. we all knew it was rousseau before she said it. surprise FAIL by the writers. also, ben is a freaking mega genius for getting them all into the same spot like that. seriously. AND what are the chances that miles is the baby of the guy who makes the tapes? i say that not because i think they're the same asian or anything (are they?) but just because faraday's comment basically says, "miles, you moron, you've been here a billion years!" like richard. (which, btw, was a laugh-out-loud line for me last week when juliette is like, "hes OLD. O-L-D dude is fucking older than dinosaurs!" that's not an exact quote but i liked the acknowledgement all the same. why don't more people talk about how if this guy is immortal (which he CLEARLY is), why the hell isn't he running the joint? or why aren't there more theories that he IS running the joint? because, really, he's mega-hot even with eyeliner and HE DOESN'T AGE!

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

christian scherer, huge asshole.

so my tracker shows this post as being looked at, by a direct link, in several different places of the country today. i'd like to think that means whoever christian's current girlfriend is has found my post. that guy is so good at cheating (he's been doing it on a large scale his entire life) and lying (same) that even the smartest (me) took a while to catch him. that being said, there's a certain amount of things you overlook when you inherently trust someone.
when he went "skiing" with friends and brough me back some maple syrup candies from wherever he was...i didn't think he was taking a weekend trip with his other girlfriend and telling that girlfriend the maple candies were for his boss. when he said he was in tampa and had horrible reception and texted, never called...i never thought he'd be in mexico with some random girl he'd only met once (or told me he'd only met once). when he started seeing a therapist, and brought me with to meet him, i really thought that was an indication he'd changed. instead, he lied to the therapist.  when he told me he loved me and brought me home to his parents, i believed him. (and in fact, if there is such a thing, i was the "chosen" girlfriend, the only one who did meet the parental units). when i found out he'd booked a ticket for the mexican girl to come out here (that was how it started, he'd accidentally left his e-mail open to the flight confirmation) and canceled the ticket...i never thought he'd rebook the ticket for her 10 minutes later.
when my boss at the time told me she was with him one weekend, i believed her...i didn't think she'd be covering for him, knowing he was with his other girlfriend. when i first found out about what i thought was an isolated indescretion and he said that he felt so bad he wanted to confess to his parents and when his mother wrote back from an address that i didn't recognize, i knew he'd made the whole thing up. i forwarded the "fake" e-mail to her just to show her what a psycho her son was. when all his friends embraced me, called me their friend, confided in me. i REALLY didn't think that they'd all be in on his lies, but they were. and once i started to see this pathetic dude for what he was...the floodgates opened. i'd known he was a liar (he'd tell his friends that he had to go to a deposition or that a judge had called him. he can't even pass the bar and it would be an absolute joke to think he'd be allowed to do anything close to practicing with only a law degree), i was just naive/hopeful enough to assume he wasn't also lying to me. also, he cries like a baby on command. loser.
this list is exhausting and not even remotely complete. so i suppose i do look like a moron in hindsight. however i didn't find out about 90% of the things he'd done until way after the fact. and i kept giving him second chances because i thought we had something special. it taught me to never again go back to something so harmful and abusive. so then he became a full-on stalker. texting/e-mailing/calling near 50 times a day. stopping by my house uninvited. i literally had to change my phone number just to get rid of him. PSYCHO
literally, every girlfriend he's ever had he's cheated on with at least three different people. if it's not liz, it's maggie. and bless that maggie. christian went out to texas, slept with her, had promised her he was single. she found out he wasn't and left a brilliant message on his voicemail about what a pathetic compulsive liar he was. it was a long, angry, rambling message. he let me listen to it (mostly because i'd made him promise total transparency on phone/email if he wanted me to stay with him). i then e-mailed maggie myself, after things were said and done. it sounds crazy, but i just wanted someone to relate with. and she verified, having known him since he was 14, that he's always been this way, will never be able to be trusted, and that even though she'd never met me, she was 100% sure i was way too good for the likes of him. and that's what girls should do, help each other out a bit when it comes to shielding our gender from the worst of the Y chromosomes.
so, ladies, if you have indeed been unfortunate enough to cross paths with mr. christian t. scherer, feel free to drop me a line. i have plenty more details re: his scheming and a sympathetic ear.

kings of leon, braces, facebook shenanigans, local bar, screeners

went to the kings of leon concert last week. concert itself was good. the energy was decent, etc. however, i have never, in my life, seen so many hot men in one place. it was a hot man invasion. a dangerous swarm of pretty but straight, scruffy but preppy guys. OMG  
guys, it was difficult to handle. also, i'm pretty sure i got high on  
fumes because about 4 people withing a 5 foot radius of me were  
smoking pot the entire time. rock on people, rock on.
so i didn't mention it here but i got braces a while back. i hated  
them. every single minute of the day i hated those braces. even though  
they were the tooth-colored ones and a lot of people didn't notice i  
had them (since i did my best to never show my bracketed teeth), i  
hated them. i also hated my mother for having the money (barely) to  
have given me braces when i was, you know, in grade school when  
everyone else fucking gets theirs. but no, my mother had to spend 3  
grand on a piano that nobody knew how to fucking play and pretty much  
put up a huge fight when i asked her to pay for piano lessons. but i'm  
not resentful. NOT AT ALL. but i digress. i finally got said braces  
off. i should be pleased as punch but instead it feels weird. i hate  
my retainers (which i have to wear constantly), clear invisalign  
trays. also, my teeth now feel small in my mouth. it all feels  
unnatural and i'm still so used to hiding my teeth that most people  
who never noticed my braces also won't notice what my teeth look like  
now that i have them off. i'm retarded.
a friend of mine has decided to fuck with all his facebook friends.  
he's made himself engaged and placed his location in amsterdam. and  
immediately after making such moves, he started receiving hundreds of  
messages congratulating him. telling him they're in amsterdam and they  
want to meet up, etc. he says he did it out of boredom. i think it's  
hilarious. at his gallery opening (he's a photographer/model/open up  
your latest j.crew catalog and he'll be somewhere in the wedding  
section) he invited me to help further his useless lie. i'm to write  
notes on his wall about how good it was was to meet up with him in  
munich, to smoke with him in amsterdam and the like.
after one very VERY drunken evening which was the result of a friendly  
bartender, lots of free drinks (my friend sharon and i drank from 6pm  
to 4am and our check was 30 total and we ordered food) and possibly  
all of us slapping each other in the asses with said bartender's belt,  
sharon and i are officially regulars at a popular washington heights  
bar. i think the fact that i'd like to never be that drunk again  
doesn't mix well with a bartender whose buyback police is 3 free for  
every 1 one you buy. especially when he only works on weeknights.
a friend brought home all these movie screeners (something about SAG membership or whatnot) thus, for the first time in AGES, i've actually seen every damn movie nominated in the major categories. i'm still sad Wall-E couldn't eek out a regular best picture nod. i'm happy slumdog keeps on chugging along. i'm honestly so tired of depressing, soul-sucking movies. it's nice to feel happy once in a while as you exit the theatre, ya know?
and apologies to those of you i correspond with regularly via e-mail (which is 90% of you reading). i've been just the worst when it comes to actually returning e-mails. it's part long hours at work and partly that instead of hainging out on the internet, i'm hanging out at the gym. a vastly healthier pasttime but also quite isolating. if i kept up on more things internet AND the gym, i'd be cutting out sleep at this point. so bear with me. i don't hate you, i probably love/adore/worship you, i just don't have time to e-mail you! but feel free to send me rambling updates. i could use the human contact.