Wednesday, May 28, 2008

my first hamptons weekend. not a rave.

i'm still digesting my weekend. it was by turns both miserable and glorious.

we got to the house and found about 20 people there, all coked up, empty whipped cream cans all over (whip-its, seriously? is this ninth fucking grade?), with cigarette butts everywhere. in short, these assholes had trashed the house. the assholes were friends with the person who put in around 20% of the money in for the house. 70% put in by adam the hedge fund manager and the rest put in by ant (emily's fiance) and emily and a few other girls.

they'd heated the pool up to an unreasonable 93 degrees, there was an aston martin parked in the driveway and they all thought they were so cool and that we should basically bow down and worship these 40-something douchebags. not. gonna. happen.

saturday was spent cleaning up their mess, listening to their techno, and dealing with various people passed out in various rooms of the house. fun. they left for a while where we made a great dinner, played some cards, went skinny dipping and just as we were coming back in, idiots showed back up. we went to bed while they drank all the alcohol we'd just bought to tide us over through the holiday (liquor stores are closed sundays and on monday) and we were woken up to a huge bitch fight between two of the guys' russian girlfriends. none of them needed to sleep though because they were doing bumps nonstop so they were up, and loud and kept their music blasting all night.

emily and the fiance needed to run out to a family event which basically left brit and i with the morons. luckily, she had another friend out there who said, "come on over!" we first headed to this guys house. and then to another even more gorgeous place owned by lee trink. and that's where the weekend started to look up. he was a tremendously gracious host, had a whole lot of chill/funny/smart friends and we were treated like old friends even though we crashed his party (ironic, considering we were treated like crashers at our own house just the day before). we dipped in the hot tub, ate some good food, smoked from the hookah, roasted marshmallows over his bonfire, listened to great music and mingled with a ton of interesting people (many supermodels who were sweet and funny and NOT coked up, a rare find) and even a few lawyers (huzzah to the few cool lawyers that exist in this city, they're few and far between). it was, in short, a total dream and a much needed saving grace from the crap weekend we'd had so far. dreading going back to our place, we stayed the night. in the morning we lounged by the pool for a while and chatted over fresh fruit.

finally getting our asses back to our own place we find out that one of the russian girls tried to steal our friend's laptop. fantastic. adam, the daddy/owner of this share was not happy to find out what had been going on so lets cross our fingers that the tools clean up their acts. otherwise, it's going to be quite a long summer. especially since i'll be spending it pounding the steaming concrete that is gotham city because i refuse to go back to that shit. bich, please.

Friday, May 23, 2008

happy long weekend!

have spent the week working extra hours so that i can leave work early today for the house.

one of the fund partners is bringing his kids (ages 8 and 14). i'm not that big a fan of children but they're old enough to speak to as adults, which is good because i'm incapable of fawning and speaking in cutesy voices that babies love.

i left work last night after what was possibly the longest week in the history of weeks. like, tuesday felt like thursday. that shit is fucked up. but i'm leaving my times square building and i'm almost run down, salmon-swimming-upstream style, by a mass of marines. i holler out a "semper fi!" and then it hits me: FLEET WEEK!

and i'm missing the whole damn thing! however, i'm not getting any younger and the groups that come out consistently look like they're 16 so it's probably for the better. unless i want to start deserving the nickname "cougar."

my lasik eyes are doing well and the bruises are just about gone. i have zero dryness and my night vision is good so count me out of that 4% that has complications from this deal. whoopee! have a great one folks...

Monday, May 19, 2008

aids walk

thank you to those who helped me reach my goal for the aids walk. i had two mystery donations from people i didn't know so i'm assuming they're from a couple of readers. so thank you thank you mystery folks for being so generous. i not only met my goal of $500, i was able to double it and raise $1,000!

i did hit a wall at $900 and e-mailed my ceo friend asking for the last $100. starts drunk texting me on friday asking me when i'm going to come over to grill shrimp (i make MEAN grilled shrimp, i have a top secret marinade). i ask him when he's going to donate. i get dead silence from then on out. he donates saturday evening (i'm assuming he's also drunk again) and he starts trying to get me to come over, totally suggesting some kind of booty call. now, since i've never so much as touched the CEO, for him to think i'd hook up with him now even though we've known each other for 4 years, is pretty preposterous.

unless he thinks he's "earned" a visit for his donation which is even worse because it means he thinks i'm the cheapest prostitute ever. but an oh-so-charitable one at that, giving all my earnings to non-profit orgs.

the rest of the day was spent lazing around and resting our legs and drinking copious amounts of beer.

purchased this weekend at zara: some gorgeous silk cover-ups that make me feel as though i belong on a big ole yacht. perfect for my glamorous summer share, no?

a sidenote: i woke up on tuesday with about 15 little red bumps on one of my thighs. "FUCK, bedbugs are back," was my first thought. and so i sprayed my room up and down with bug junk and spent the better part of the week contemplating suicide. i seriously think it would be easier to kill myself than deal with that mess again. i slept in long  johns every night to keep my skin covered. i arrive at the walk and our friend mike walks up to me, "do you happen to have little red bumps on your body? we all have them, we think it's from the hot tub last weekend." i was so happy that the bumps were not bug bites that i could have kissed every single damn person within 30 feet. of course, that could mean that i have some other deadly disease or something but the bumps have just about disappeared. one guy went to a dermatologist who said that if they don't itch or get worse, that there was nothing he could do and it likely wasn't dangerous. crossing our fingers on that one...

Thursday, May 15, 2008

taste of the nation

was at this event last night.

food as amazing. and though i haven't been watching this season of top chef, spike mendelsohn is hot. and i'd probably do him, even without the hat.

and the gift bags were great.

i had big plans to do a run down of everything i ate, but once i started hitting all the cocktails my memory got more than hazy on the 20-something dishes i tried.

sleepy today...

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

the problem with being a VIP

we went to this big event last night. the misshapes were DJing. it was hot.

a warehouse had been turned into a "hotel" by stoli and we were given our own private room (couches, a bed, armchairs), complete with a bouncer to come in and drag out people who'd sneak in when his back was turned. we were getting bottle service in there but at the bars outside...they were serving yumminess with rosemary and thyme as garnish. also outside: the canapes, which never made it past the bouncer and into our room.

and still outside: hot, sometimes straight, guys.

so although we had this little room and everybody was peering in and wanted to be on our side of the curtain...we sat inside, lonely and hungry, looking out in envy at herb spiked mixed drinks, the misshapes playing out of sight and around the corner.

the grass is always greener....

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

on the lasik

it absolutely, without a doubt, totally changed my life.

i went to the laser eye center (tlc) which is where tiger woods went.  
and i know adverts are just manipulative images with copy written by  
people who are overpayed and too slick for their own good...i did  
literally think, while sitting in the examination room, "well, if it's  
good enough for tiger woods, it's probably good enough for me."

i went in, they did all sorts of eye tests/measurements and told me i  
was a good candidate. i made an appt to get the surgery done at the  
end of the week. it was really the sort of thing i had to jump into or  
else i never would have done it. i'd have spent away that huge tax  
rebate or even worse, chickened out entirely over thoughts of blades  
cutting into my eyeballs.

i did do a fair amount of research and opted for the "expensive" plan  
which consisted of bladeless custom lasik (TLC only does custom) and  
they offer a lifetime guarantee which means if i'm one of the 3% of  
all people who need a touch-up, that they do it for free.

the day of, i was so nervous i thought i'd burst into tears any  
second. that is, until they gave me the valium, which was awesome.  
i've never thought of myself as having an addictive personality but  
whenever i get close to a controlled substance i enjoy myself so much  
more than is healthy. so i'm sitting in the waiting room, all my limbs  
nice and heavy and tingly and i'm guided to the operating room. one  
eye gets taped shut, the other lid gets taped open. i see what seems  
to be a little metal ring and a second later it's painlessly holding  
my eyelids back. i get warned there's going to be a little pressure  
and it would get black.

and painlessly, things do go black for about two seconds. i'm then  
told i'll see a very blury red flashing light and to just look up at  
it. i do. i am told i'll hear come clicks and that it will be the  
laser. the clicks come, last for about 3 full seconds, and as if a  
page is turned my eye flap is returned to its home and with its  
replacement, i can see the light clearly.

"okay, next eye. you did great." "but you didnt do anything!" i said  
in a panic. he laughed at me before assuring me that he's pretty sure  
he did do something and he'd prove it in a few minutes.  the whole  
process lasted about 1.5 minutes per eye.

right after, i could see all the way down the hall, and appropriately,  
it was hazy as if in a dream sequence in a film. i took a 1/2 hour nap  
and was sent home in a car and told to keep my eyes closed as much as  
possible for the rest of the day.

my plan of watching the previous night's episode of lost foiled, i  
made about 300 phone calls to people hoping for anyone to keep me busy  
until i could listen to the yankees game on the radio. i even called  
peter, a blog friend whose number i've had but never used. and peter  
kept me company for several hours, bless his heart.

and today, i'm 20/20 and happy as all get-out. i still wake up morning  
and panic that i've slept with my contacts in. i still feel like i  
need to take my contacts out as soon as i walk in the door at night. i  
CAN see how dirty my bathroom is and cleaned that shit, stat.

i also had some bruising which was displayed in red burst blood vessel  
looking splotches on the whites of my eyes. in another week they'll be  
gone completely and I'll look back to normal.

and now i'm beach/pool/summer ready. i feel like a new person. so far  
the most priceless moment has been coming in from the rain without  
having to wipe off my glasses once inside.

i've also gotten into the habit of talking about all the things i can  
see with my "lasik eyes," as if I had a super power like x-ray vision.  
"my lasik eyes read that street sign 100 yards away and tell me we are  
on 45th st!" huzzah!

Monday, May 12, 2008

the weekend

editors note: if you can spare it, i'd appreciate your support in this year's NYC AIDS walk...

spent the weekend with the gays at fire island and had a fabulous time.

nothing like a weekend under the sun, at the beach, getting groped by gays who were obsessing over my boobs/butt to make you return home re-invigorated and feeling cute and sassy.

i spent some quality time in the hot tub, my first and last at their house because i fear it will be laden with bodily fluids in no time. i was lucky enough to catch it the day after it had been filled.

this is going to be a long week. no less than 3 star-studded events that is should be excited about but instead i'm annoyed that i have to wear heels/dress-up and i'm still afraid to wear makeup post surgery (a whole post on the lasik later, in short: life changing).

i did buy myself some beautiful YSL sunglasses so i'm officially ready for the sun though my sunburned nose and cheekbones today say otherwise.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

happy birthday!

the little tvs in the elevators in most manhattan office buildings display, amongst the news/stock quotes/restaurant adverts, a "happy birthday!" screen with the names of a few people born that day. for the most part it comes off not as, "happy birthday!" but as, "hey, this person is still alive! also, they were born this day several years ago."

examples: andrew shue, jennifer grey, eve plumb, kurt loder?

have you heard any of these names in the past 5 years? i thought not. but now we know that they're alive, each and every one of them. congrats folks!

Friday, May 09, 2008

hamptons house

tell me this isn't worth it, even if it does mean that i have to sound like a pretentious asshole all summer if people ever ask where i'm headed for the weekend...

Thursday, May 08, 2008

three stars to Ko

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

oh yeah...

"hey, you! remember that thing you used to do? it's called blogging?"

"who, me?"

"yeah, you."

"oh, yeah, blogging. i kinda forgot."

"how do you just forget?"

"well, for starters, i started working tons of overtime at work. oh, and then there was that lasik eye surgery. and now, really, well it's getting warmer and i'm going out more and spring galas are happening, whatnot. suppose i just keep forgetting to write things at night..."

"that's no excuse."

"oh, it feels very excuse-y to me, actually."

"you'll love this, you know that guy at the weather channel that you just loved? your boyfriend from college, jon, used to make fun of you endlessly for it?"

"yeah, bob stokes. i just thought he was such a cute, pleasant little guy. he made even rainy weather seem happy."

"well get a load of this."