haiku = comment city

so i was tickled pink with a record setting 34 comments on my "ode to my ipod" post. i happened upon citrus who directed me to digitalicat who, the very next day, had a "tossed salad haiku" contest. 74 comments! though, to be fair, this one guy kris left at least 50 of them, which is lame. "ann coulter tossed my salad" is pretty much the funniest blog title i've EVER SEEN. i like this guy already.

the lesson in all this? haikus = glorious glorious comments.

on a side note, since i've been procrastinating lately, i was playing with new ringtones and i got a woman singing, "jasmine, pick up your phone" and bebe neuwirth singing "all that jazz" (or, as i like to call it, "all that me") from Chicago. it makes me happier than it should. i've been calling people all day for no other reason than for them to call me back so i can hear my ringer. i'm ridiculous. sorry for all the linkage here.

A moment of silence

today marked the end of an era.

Andy the Intern is leaving my fair city, has finished his amazing comedy central internship, and is returning to wisconsin (home to cows that are not happy).

a moment of silence for the finale of I'm an Intern in New York.

he's a comic genius and a nice guy to boot. i'm counting down the days until he returns with a new blog via wi.

Haiku # 1: ode to my ipod

walking down the street
I can't hear any catcalls
from gross men I pass.


thank you. thank you. i'll be here all week.

te quiero, te adoro, mi vida...

i'm listening to "chan chan" by the buena vista social club. wish there were someone here for me to make love to right about now.

i'm having latin music at my wedding. everyone will get laid that night. so damn sultry.

since there's no man here, i must get back to my work, however reluctantly.

on the upside, i won salsa dancing lessons at a charity auction. yummy.

buy this cd. dos gardenias is sexy too. you'll love the whole thing, i promise.

calling all doctors or people with attention deficit disorders

so i have been studying feverishly. that’s a lie, let me start again. i’ve been desperately trying to be a feverish studier. but every time i start and think i’m focusing i decide i have to clean out the sink, right now. or that i’ll take a break (and then i laugh at myself for actually thinking it, knowing i haven’t done anything to take a break from). or i put my head back and say i’ll close my eyes for 2 minutes, a ½ hour nap follows. basically, i can’t get my shit done. i just can’t focus on anything long enough for it to sink in. i have no less than 200 pages of notes from classes (times 12 point font) that needs to be memorized, a paper that needs to be finished, and an outline for another class that needs to be looked at and organized. it's 8pm Saturday and i’ve done almost nothing. i’m actually getting worried about it. this isn’t procrastination. This is a real problem i think. Anyone out there with ADD or ADHD that can shed some light on whether this might not be completely within my control?

also, i want to warn you, i will be posting less for the next couple weeks (at least I think so, that is, if i actually manage to start focusing on the stuff i have to be doing), but i don’t want y’all to forget about me. so set up an account on bloglines or something so you’ll be notified when your little friend in gotham city found the time to post. i’d hate for people to keep checking back and seeing nothing and give up on me. in that same thread, i’ll probably be commenting less. don’t hate me. i’ll be done on may 12th after which i’ll start studying for the bar and who knows what the hell that’ll be like. every entry may likely begin, “why did I volunteer for this. I want to die.” But until then…

also i promise to get at least the fleet week story up before then. can barely contain my excitement!!!

also, heard a new joke:

what's the hardest part about rollerblading for a guy?





telling his parents he's gay.

i know, i know...slightly distasteful. and the thing is that i don't think rollerblading makes a man feminine at all, AND i'm every gay man's best friend. thus, i don't think the joke makes any sense but i laughed anyhow. come to think of it, i can't think of one tasteful joke i've heard in the last couple of months. anyhow...

Useless really...

so this post is pretty pointless but realizing that EVERYONE seemed to have gotten the “mensa word awards” forward, it seemed lame for me to have put it up there at all. i’m just a sucker for all things smart though and you have to admit, those were pretty clever. Also, mensa has bad stigma attached to it for me…my father, who I hate, is in mensa so i can’t help but think of him a little whenever I see the word. boo! So this is a post to bump the mensa post of the top of the page.

Bump!

Many people have asked me about the title of my blog.* in high school, this guy andy (a brilliant jazz tenor sax player) made this magnet out of magazine scraps (don’t ask why there was magnet making, some lame fair of some sort going on in the cafeteria). It was a purple triangle with the words “Jazz…in Strange places” on it. it had glitter on it. He wouldn’t give it to me. I said I must own it since it was talking about me. He said he wasn’t talking about me at all, to stop being so egocentric (he can be a real ass), but he had a point. When I was little and would see jasmine tea, jasmine rice, jasmine flowers, jasmine candles…I used to run around and say, “look mom, there’s me tea!” “there’s me rice!” because, I’m pretty sure I thought that they had all been named after me. An innocent mistake for a 7 year old I think!** Although, i'm not going to lie to you, i still do it to this day. actually my friends do it more, "hey jazz, there's you incense!" we're losers, you don't have to say it...

Since this is all about nothingness really, I’ll cut it short. You know, people actually read this. It baffles me. It actually puts a little*** more pressure on me to be really smart or really funny or really insightful.

I can’t promise any of that but stay tuned for my recount of last year’s Fleet Week debauchery, in honor of the return of that wondrous holiday to gotham city in a month (and there will be plenty of good stories to be had when it comes, I GUARANTEE it). Also, when I stress (I have exams in a week and a half, ick), I find it therapeutic to cook. I’ll try something new and take you on the ride with me a la “Julie/Julia Project” Feel free to send along any suggestions (just don’t make it too expensive, okay? I’m not going to go buy quail eggs and caviar for this).

*this is a lie. I’m just practicing the art of the asterisk.
**feel free to join me in coming to my defense.
***okay, a lot.

mensa material?

some of you may have seen this. it was actually a forward from my mom but i thought it was clever...those crazy mensa kids and the things they do for fun...[shaking head]

dorks.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's {2005} winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

am i immature?

so a little while back there was this guy that i kinda liked. i used to call him "sweet ben." (side note: is it just a girl thing to make up nicknames for guys? they all have nicknames, i.e. CIA guy, russian mark, random dan, jesse the chef, ivan the engine, bracelet jeff, irish gareth, jet setter greg, internet jason, and on, and on). so i went out with “sweet ben" one night and we slept together. he calls, we chit chat, he tells me he thinks that "we could be great friends," don't i agree? notwithstanding that this is the first guy in a long time i've actually wanted to date, instead of just doing the normal guy thing and not calling, he calls with the lamest most cliche line ever. i can't decide whether i appreciate the honesty and straightforwardness or whether i would rather he'd not called at all so that we wouldn't have to discuss that he doesn't really like me that much (tried to avoid the VERY overused, "he's just not that into me" line). we've known each other for almost a year so i knew i liked him as a person. to alleviate the sting, my roommate has re-nicknamed him and now calls him "two-minute ben" which references the length of the sex the night we slept together (yeah, i know...he was bad and i still liked him anyways, am i a fool?). but you know what? the new nickname made me feel so much better. is that immature of me? to resort to name calling to make the hit to my ego hurt less?

But honestly…two minutes…AND he couldn’t go again after that. okay…now I’m really being immature. I’m airing his lack of bedroom skills in public...

I’m feeling better already!

oh! and he snores!

ah....so damn theraputic...

Four free dogs and a monkey

I say often that I love new york. I love the people. They’re weird, aggressive, sometimes brilliant, sometimes not, but always entertaining. If you’re paying attention you also know that I love craigslist. I regularly scan the missed connections, the personals, the rants and raves, and last but not least…the free items section. I recently ran across these two classics. I did not make this stuff up. I’m not nearly that bright or witty, trust me. I loved these and saved them and am posting them for the rest of you to enjoy.

Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/zip/27465337.html
Posted by: anon-27465337@craigslist.org
Posted on: 2005-??-27, 12:22AM
hi, in a fit of impulse I bought a case of thin mint girl scout cookies. They used to be my favorite. But it was just too much and now I am very sick of them. So I am going to give away my last 5 boxes. So this sunday the 28th (march) at exactly 4:30 in the afternoon I will be standing near the entrance of the dog park in Tompkins Square Park wearing a dark grey suit and a cowboy hat. I will give a free box of cookies to the first five people that give me a rose. It doesn’t have to be a rose. Just some kind of flower. You give me a flower I give you cookies. On sunday I will answer to the name Scott. I’m thinking that this Sunday I might answer to the name Eliza. Just for the hell of it.


Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/zip/27588330.html
Posted by: anon-27588330@craigslist.org
Posted on: 2005-??-29, 8:22AM
somehow my last message disappeared from craigslist. i'm really desperate and need help NOW. please keep this message on until someone can help me out, at least. this is what I have...four free dogs. Two of them are large sized, about up to my waist. One is brown and the other sort of milky grey, with a large black patch of hair on his belly. The "black hair patch" dog has a limp, as it was stepped on by a truck driver doing a delivery one day. But he's very kind. The other two dogs are about the size of a bowling ball, but not round like that. One is more round and the other pretty skinny. I don't know the breeds, but they have scratchy hair. You may have seen me with them because I walk them all together usually from Lexington to Central Park and I like to go down 80th street. I also have a monkey but he looks sort of sick. I think you'd need a vet for him. I got him in New Jersey about three years ago. All of these are free and I have individual bowls for the dog and a leash for the monkey. I have to get rid of them because I need an operation in a week that's pretty serious and I don't have anywhere for them to stay. They all get along great except for the monkey and the larger small dog. But I'd hate to split them up. Serious inquiries only. I would rather that they didn't go to the Bronx or Staten Island. Nothing personal.

bliss

Sheep Meadow opened today. It’s the sun lover’s mecca in central park where chiseled men play frisbee and bikini clad beauties lay out and pretend they’re not watching. it's absolute bliss. i love my life. and speaking of bliss....

for the new york ladies: the absolute BEST brazilian wax is done by Bliss. I swear to you that it is nearly painless. i didn’t think a painless brazilian was possible but ladies, the time has arrived.

and also, a little shout out to two good friends of mine. their company is moral fervor. they make shirts. you'll love them. you'll live in them. the softest organic cotton, awesome designs they silkscreen themselves, funky cuts, and knowing that you're wearing something one of a kind: priceless.

for the new york men: impress the lady and take her to the theatre. Go see spamalot. She’ll think you’re thoughtful and cultured. You’ll laugh your ass off.

for all new Yorkers: my new favorite restaurant is the Blue Ribbon Bakery. Food is fab. Service nearly as good. a cellar-like downstairs houses a full on bread bakery with brick ovens. It smells so good you’ll never want to leave.

I NEED it...

i saw a dj last night with a shirt that read: "jersey girls aren't trash. trash gets picked up."

fucking brilliant!

am going to go make one for myself....

hunk hunting

all my friends, none of whom read this, know full well that i'm a complete stalker. not a scary, hide outside the person's house, kind of stalker. my friends call me with the name of someone they met at a bar or have a date with. i start e-mailing them with pictures and fun facts. it's easy. it's a distraction from all the more important stuff i'm supposed to be doing. actors have been the most fun. see Kris and Carl (both are guys my friends pulled, not me). Though recently i did manage to meet gavin degraw with some light stalking and a little bit of luck. he introduced himself and told me he was a pediatrician, which i pretended to believe, until the singer from the band playing asked him to come up and sing a few. which he did, for the 20 or so people in the bar. it was a fabulous evening.

my most recent project? From 1-2 i’m usually inside watching the abc daytime tv lineup which i, unfortunately, got quite hooked on once fall set in. Why, you ask? i have a hidden agenda. An absolutely stunning man that i used to see around my neighborhood (we tanned near each other at Riverside park all through the summer) turned up on my tv one day. he's aidan devane on all my children. so now i mostly watch the show for glimpses of my beautiful neighbor, because since the chill took over, i haven't seen him once. so today I donned a skirt, a baby blue tube top, and headed over to the park. sitting and feeling summer sneak back into my veins while looking forward to the return of seeing my hunk without a shirt on a regular basis. at last!

life is soooo good.


also for the new york ladies: the new best place to meet men is whole foods. the caveat, one of three men that you think are too good looking to be straight...are. have been asked out there 3 times in two months. not by anyone great, but it's better than nothing.

for the new york men: the new best date spot...5 ninth. an absolutely brilliant hidden restaurant/bar just south of Pastis. no signage. cozy. dark. better than average wine list. guaranteed second date unless you really fuck up the first one. and i mean really fuck up.

Motorcycle Diaries

so tonight was a pretty tame one. started at marquee (a place i absolutely despise) but there were girls in from london who wanted to go to the "hot spots" so i guess it was a required drive by. we went to NA afterwards, which i like so much better. this lesbian, maddie, who is always there on thursdays wanted to introduce me to "a famous rapper." i looked up and queen latifah was there. maddie didn't introduce me to queen latifah though, she introduced me to some guy i'd never seen, who told me 5 minutes later that he was a CPA (certified public accountant). i looked bored (i was bored). he says, "so, do you like motorcycles?" My answer, "yes." "well, we all have them. Latifah and i and the rest of the cousins and my brothers and sisters." "that's nice." "so when can i come pick you up?" "i'm not sure that you can. i'm a busy girl." but he grabbed my phone out of my back pocket (curses! should have kept the damn thing in my purse!) and dials his number. this is annoying because now he'll call. but it's also convenient b/c now i have his number and know to avoid it when it comes through.

post script: he called. i didn't answer. BUT, the Post's Page Six had a ditty about latifah being there and eating a lot of food. it's funny, because everyone was eating all this food on her table, but the Post makes her out to be this huge pig. also, they said David Wells was there too but i didn't see him. honestly, i couldn't have missed him. he might have left before i got there. damn!