Jasmine Hosts Decadent Birthday Celebration, Death and Starvation Still Rampant Worldwide

by Former Intern Andy


NEW YORK -- Drinks and potable water flowed like wine, the bathroom facilities were luxurious and hygienic, and unlike many third world countries, the place to pee and the place to drink were in completely different rooms.


Amid record instances of death and starvation across the globe, Jasmine, resident of fabulous New York City, celebrated her 27th fabulous birthday at a fabulous bar in the Lower East Side. Fabulous!


The gala began like any other party: a feast of lobster, cracked crab, and filet mignon. What wasn’t finished was tossed into a pile in the center of the room where NYC’s finest patrons danced around it. “We just left it to rot into the night as a symbol to those who aren’t lucky enough to have a food pile to dance around,” said one partygoer. “I mean, some people go days, even weeks, without lobster.”


The guests, bellies swollen with expensive meats and liquors, conversed heartily through the night. They spoke of politics and sports and local goings-on.


An Ethiopian child, his belly swollen with air and more swelling, said, “Sometimes the sadness is okay — an entire village of crying people can produce enough tears to properly hydrate an infant.”


Jasmine the birthday girl, beer in hand and hundreds of screaming guests cheering her on, danced like she’d never danced before for what seemed like hours. “Everyone was clapping for me,” she said. “I felt like I really brought the house down.”


Meanwhile, a teenaged girl in the lawless area of Congo, spent the night cursing God and the gang of armed thugs who robbed her family and burned her house down.


The night of debauchery climaxed with a wild orgy of gold, money, and sex. There were people having sex with gold, gold was having sex with money, and people were having sex with other people while paying for their drinks with fornicating money and gold.


Also around that time, a North Korean child received a government approved coloring book for her birthday. Most of the pages have been censored or torn out, except for a picture of a rainbow. She spent the night coloring the rainbow with the only two government approved crayons she’s allowed: black and white. On the bright side, with those two crayons, her family will eat for another week.


All in all, the party was a success, the guests went home happy, and Jasmine received many pick-up lines which she will likely hear again at her upcoming “27 Years Plus a Fortnight” party, two weeks from now.