not the onion

still laughing...

thanks to lacey for the link...

i heart akram khan

i must start off with a hearty congratulations to the omarphillips.net family on their new arrival. i can't wait for the day when she breaks his heart by not having any interest in lawncare. but until then, enjoy your new little girl!

i saw the akram khan company this weekend. they were amazing. AMAZING. anyone who has the chance to see them needs to get tickets to go. they were acrobatic and intense and funny. they just make dance exciting and inspiring...especially compared to the stuffy/stiff kirov ballet performance i saw two weeks ago which was all very prim and blah-diddy-blah-ish.

i was invited to the after party hosted at cozy underground turkish bar/restaurant where the food was awesome and the open bar included mojitos. i win.

except for when the real dancing started, at which point, i lost. mostly because as much as i love dancing, there's nothing like dancing with real dancers to make you feel clumsy and fat and ungraceful. on the upside, they were awesome and i could have watched them dance all night. i got two shows for the price of one (which is really the price of zero because my tickets to the concerts were comped, but i digress). also worth noting: i was in flip flops and a jersey dress and unforgivably dressed for such an event but was so distracted by their movements (also: my dancing mortification) that i could have cared less about my fashion faux pas. who'd have guessed?

my new crush (based on nothing but how sexy of a dancer he is) is sidi larbi cherkaoui. i love men that dance. LOVE.

knowing people who know people

so we went to this new "hot" italian place tonight. and we got hooked up, big because the owner used to make inappropriate advances towards a friend (she, it turns out, was one of half a dozen female staff members at the restaurant at which they used to work together who didn't sleep with him).

it's nice to reap the rewards that i'd get from sleeping with someone (or, as it stands in this case, not sleeping with someone) without having to be the one batting the guy off.

voicemail from my grandma

"jasmine, i wanted to tell you if i didn't, that i really like your
hair and i thought you really looked very very nice. very attractive.
and really you seem to be pretty much in control of your weight and
everything. so anyway i wanted you to know i did think you looked very
good and i'll talk with you another time, bye bye."

i wasn't sure to make of this. i haven't lost much weight (if any)
since i saw them at christmas but i, apparently, looked like shit.

i will note, however, that my mother and my aunt are both fairly heavy
(think hefty/burly german women). and my grandma is pretty thin (and
quite conceited). she speaks frequently of being only 89lbs when she
was married which isn't possible since she's 5'6" and i've seen
pictures and she doesn't look anorexic in them and she'd have to be
like "ethiopian starving" thin to be that size at her height. so maybe
she's desperately afraid that i'll blow up or something in adulthood.
well, maybe the half-chinese part of me will keep me normal looking.
also, the gym.

but anyway, weird message. but i've never argued that my grandmothers
behavior approaches anything that resembles "sane".

sweet home

chicago was fine. a whole lot of sitting around doing nothing, which
is actually nice since i never "sit around and no nothing" here in new
york.

i showed off the jesus phone to everyone, introducing him as my new
boyfriend.

re: the grandparents...i zoomed in on the map to show my grandparents
the roof of their house and my grandfathers car parked in the driveway
and they didn't once scream at me to get out of their house lest the
satellite hear our conversation and steal their identities. (it always
boggles my mind that #1 fear of old people = identity theft since
they've likely never touched a computer or put their personal
information in any place where someone could hack and steal it.) they
also didn't cower in fear of their first sight of the internet (wheel
of fortune's website) or the fact that it played music.

i mentioned my summer share with emily and her fiancee and my grandma
says, "oh, you have a fiancee?" as if that's the way i'd choose to
tell them i was engaged. over a nonchalant conversation over beach
houses.

and just to spite them i wore my "barack the vote" t-shirt. my grandma
mentioned it and i said, "listen, i know you all hate him but i like
him a lot." my grandpa's response, "we don't hate him, we just don't
like any of them." i saw that as major progress from the time that i
bought my grandfather obama's grammy-winning audiobook just to have
him say, "jasmine, you have no idea how much we have to hear about
him. i'm sick of him!"

you're welcome grandpa! anytime! glad you like it!

we also had a conversation about healthcare, in which i discussed a
slightly perilous situation i've found myself in and how annoying the
system is. they complained about medicare and we talked about the
goodness of universal healthcare without me mentioning that it's a
regular part of the democratic platform. i had them nodding their
heads in agreement as i discussed the finer points of the canadian
system. there may be hope yet that i'll trick them into joining me
over on the left where they belong!

i also got som fab clothes at the rack (a hot hot ruffled wrap dress
in teal from DVF for $100).

Puppy love at sweet home Chicago

what i want in a man?

me: the guy who made sam's dining table

  which is a work of art

  and also doing his shelving

  and his bed

  he's amazing

 Peter: do you love him or his work?

 me: and also must make some money if sam is buying

  seemed sweet

  and looked like ryan gosling

  so we like ARE the notebook.

 Peter: noooow the truth comes out

  hahah

 me: i'm the more sophisticated

9:08 PM he's the rough around the edges dude i.e. lives in brooklyn

  but there was something about him.

  i liked him

9:09 PM Peter: then i wish you luck in your stalking

9:10 PM me: ben erickson

  there are like 5 million of them

  will have to get info from sam.

9:11 PM but it was weird because he was kind of like the hired help

  but not.

 Peter: hired help?

 me: like, sam had people over but his interior designer came with ben and was late

9:12 PM and so ben is underneath this massive table, putting it together

  and we're mulling around with sancerre

  so strange

 Peter: hahaha

 me: like he was the handyman

  but i liked it

 Peter: who are you, imelda marcos?

 me: i'm sooo not about the richy people

  i knew sam before he was rich

  so now i am stuck mingling with him and his people

  but ben was like grungy, and rustic, and had tools

9:13 PM and we're all fancy in this 4.5 million dollar apt.

 Peter: you crack me up

 me: so there are all these professionals there
and i'm like, "that one! the one under the table with the screwdriver! i like him!"

  brilliant artist/designer though

  the table is beautiful

jon stewart/another debate

also, debate sucked ass. wtf with the shittiest moderating i've ever seen. 50 minutes to get to iraq? and were the hell was healthcare? i hate people.

calorie displays

they work.

nyc now requires restaurant post the calorie counts of their menu items. after the trans fat ban, it seems a continuation of the "let's not all die of obesity, okay folks?" public policing.

after having done extensive highly scientific studies which include a visit to starbucks this morning, i can say, conclusively, that it works.

i perused the bakery case and noticed that the blueberry muffin had 100 less calories than my love, the bran muffin and almost 200 less calories than my second favorite (though rare indulgence), the sausage, egg & cheese. and in the blink of an eye, a blueberry muffin was being bought.

i doubt that those who are obese are likely not going to give a flying shit about how many calories are in their #6 value meal from mcdonalds. i, however, have to paying attention to my beach body which means no more baked goods from starbucks, period. my egg white omelettes win the calorie competition, hands down, at 150 calories.

oh cruel fate!

you let the kids in the hall do a show while i'm in chicago! nooooo!!!

on obama's "bitter" comments

i'd drafted this before i'd read robert reich's post on it. just read his words instead which are obviously more eloquent than mine. you hear me? skip the drivel below! i'm just posting it so as to not have wasted the time writing it

people are up in arms (and i'm sure i'll get some ire from cousin in the comments) but having a lot of family in ohio, whose residents are fairly similar to PA, i don't really disagree with him.

most of my family in OH have these demographics: very religious, lower middle class to flat out poor, not college-educated. what they don't get is that they're poor as fuck and that maybe they should be putting economics ahead of whether some girl in nebraska should be allowed to have an abortion. anyone who was truly religious, i think, SHOULD be a democrat anyhow since dems do much more to help the poor, the young, the elderly and don't hate or judge as much (which seems to be what jesus would have done)...but i digress. but how do these people ALWAYS vote? they always vote republican. and i do believe it's because they have no faith that the government will help them out in any economic way no matter which party they vote for. these are people who have no reason to vote republican and they're doing themselves a disservice voting that way.

and don't get me wrong, i understand that the GOP machine has successfully messaged the democratic party as the party of baby-killing heathens. that's damage that's going to take decades to reverse.

but that's what i took away from obama's statements. that there's a hell of a lot of people who just don't realize that the republicans don't give a shit about them, aren't going to do them any favors, and are getting their votes for all the wrong reasons.*

*and yes, i'd say that considering the current state our nation is in, that voting purely to keep embryos going into trash cans instead of into labs to cure disease...is flat-out having the wrong priorities. at this point in time, there are more important things to worry about than niche social issues.

a "me weekend"

the weekend started off tamely enough, a kirov ballet performance with al, home by 11.

saturday was a "me day," a day doing nothing but things for myself. i splurged for a wax at bliss where all the people are nice and handing you waters and giving you samples and my waxer, emmie, told me i had "great roots" and that i was "such a good girl!" as i lay on the heated table, legs spread eagle as she ripped off the hair laden strips of fabric. in short, it was painful but not nearly as much as it could have been and i was being fully pampered.

and because i had to go to the east side for my wax, i was right near the blood center. the blood people have been stalking me for a few weeks now so i figured i'd stop in to donate. this doesn't seem like it was all about "me" but it was. i donate now just to get these people off my back, also it's good karma. there's nothing like donating blood to make you feel a little bit better about yourself. and because i was in the citgroup building i stopped in for my favoritest thing ever, the grilled artichokes from houston's. AMAZING.

from there, i went and got my toes done and it was warm enough for me wear flip flops so i didn't have to camp out at the nail place waiting for them to dry. i hopped over to the nearest post office, mailed off a card to R&R in paris and went down to sam's where a big ole housewarming was taking place. he'd moved into a new building in tribeca and, in fact, it's not even done being built. but his place is pretty ridiculous and he has a huge terrace. the guy who is building his bed and made him a gorgeous table was a designer out of brooklyn who looked like ryan gosling!

i met up with katie and julie and they'd met these australian guys and i wish i could give the details but i feel i must protect the innocent/my girlfriends who'd slaughter me if i posted all about the juicy indiscretions. but they were good. and so was i, unfortunately. i was exhausted (also, discovering how easy it is to get drunk after you've given blood) and went home early at 3.

sunday was a brunch with all you can drink bellinis, cupcakes from billy's and a viewing of smart people (which i actually really liked, even though SJP was in it).

memoirs of a hamptons geisha

i've knocked the hamptons a lot. and people who spend time in the
hamptons. i'm a hater.

and now i'm a hypocrite.

emily sends over 15 pictures of this stunning house that the partners
of her fiancee's hedge fun have bought for the summer. then he tells
her to invite her friends for the paltry sum of 1500 for the summer.
to some, that may sound like a lot of money. to put things in
perspective: the house is renting at 10K a WEEK for the entire summer.
most people who buy into shitty hamptons shares for half the summer
(every other weekend) will pay at least 5K. this old dude is telling
em that we can come out for 1500. it's insane. and although 1500 is
still a lot of money, it amounts to mini vacations to the beach every
weekend with emily who is one of my best friends and i wouldn't want
to be stuck in the city without her all summer.

what this also means, is that i'm, yet again, playing the geisha girl.
emily's friends will serve as the "young hot mostly naked" woman
quotient and the partners can feel better about themselves for having
us around. they can impress their friends with the quality of the
boobage sunning near the pool.

does that make me feel cheap? a little. do i care much at this point?
not really.

land of men

went to an event that had nothing but glenlivet. i'm a little girl who doesn't drink much hard alcohol but i can handle some scotch on the rocks once in a while.

but then the 21yr old stuff started rolling out and they'd only give it to you with a dropper-full of water. so ick.

also, i hadn't eaten enough during the day and the canapes were proving to be elusive. we saw remnants scattered about. napkins here, shrimp forks there...but no cater waiters to be found. except for this one who was working as a model in a kind of ridiculous golf-type outfit. an outfit in which he was photographed for esquire magazine so look for him. he'll be with some socialite and a guy in a kilt (the glenlivet rep, a scottish dude who toasted and drank with like 100 people in the course of 2 hours...how he walked out of there alive is a mystery).

there was also a 9-hole mini golf course that spanned the two level factory space. and there were men. in fact, i feel like i was one of 5 women there which seemed like it would have been convenient but, in fact, it was just plain overwhelming. there were too many that i didn't know where to begin. i was being stalked a bit by the cater waiter (thomas) so i stuck with my gays, justin and david who was running the event. thomas said, "well, my boss is right over there (pointing to david) so i can't stay to talk now." that was my cue to not leave david's side for the night.

famished, we finished off with ribs at houston's. a very testosterone-filled evening...

first step to recovery?

my name is jasmine and i'm a snob.

a full-fledged, unrelenting, judgmental snob.

my snobbish impulse raises it's ugly head most often where i hear people talking about clubs they like, restaurants they like, etc. and i find myself audibly "ugh"-ing and rolling my eyes, thinking, "oh my god, that place is AWFUL, i can't believe they like that place." or "okay, that idiot OBV. knows nothing about good food or the restaurant scene in this city!" or "i want to cut my ears off so i don't have to keep listening to these people talking about the meatpacking district. ick!"

total snob. that's me.

at dinner the other night the bartender mentioned that a regular owns a restaurant called "little owl." i burst out, "joey campanaro is a regular here?!" as my friends looked at me like i had two heads because i knew the chef at a restaurant neither of them had ever heard of. and of course i'm sitting there saying, "but who hasn't heard of the little owl?!" in a way that sounded an awful lot like, "do you enjoy being that ignorant? is being stupid fun for you?"

again, i'm a snob.

i think the snobbishness is made worse by the fact that i'm a maven AND an attorney. which means not only do i think i know everything, but that i'm always solidly convinced that my opinions are always right. i will not take a stance on anything until i've thought it out from 15 different angles first. so if you were to disagree with me about anything, i'd likely have 15 different reasons that i'd shove in your face to demonstrate how clearly wrong you are. a common refrain among my friends is that, "jasmine thinks she's always right and she almost always is. it's so annoying of her!"

so not only am i a snob, i'm a really annoying stubborn snob. for this reason, i already feel bad for whatever guy ends up with me in the long run.

emily points out though, quite rightly, that men will put up with a tremendous amount if the sex is good and plentiful enough. and in saying this to a complete stranger sitting next to us at the bar what follows is, "and i KNOW that with jasmine the sex is good and frequent. i've heard from PLENTY of people!" i think she meant it to be flattering but instead it was mortifying and made me feel like the town slut, which i may be, but does everyone really have to know about it?

Great city, even better company

Paris was great. Our hosts, and just about the best/cutest/most awesome couple to have ever lived, made this trip more than lovely. Above is the breakfast waiting for us when we arrived. The tequila we waited on till evening but it certainly took some restraint to hold off.

We did lots of touristy stuff which was ideal as it kept me away from the boutiques. Also, the dollar isn't worth the lint I picked out of my jeans pocket this morning. There was a wi fi connection near notre dame, hence the emailed photo post on sat.

Wine was drunk, harricot verts were roasted, espresso served, good conversation and lots of laughs were had in a cozy third arrondissment apt.

Now that's joie de vivre...

bonjour!

off jetsetting for some steak frites.

be back sunday...

on marcus samuelsson

i saw marcus do a cooking demo recently and have such a little crush on him now.

a staffer at the venue said, "marcus, someone over here has a question for you." and she handed a mic over to this little old man.

"so i see you have some ovens and things over there," he starts, rather innocently. "so why are you serving this food cold? i like my hot food, hot."

this curmudgeon shows up, gets free food, and then has the gall to complain about it to the face of a world-class chef? seriously?! and sweet marcus couldn't have been more graceful.

"well sir, i mentioned before that tarts could be served either warm or at room temperature, but if you want a hot piece, we'll heat one up for you okay?"

"no, i don't want it anymore!"

laughing, he says "wait! you call me out and say you don't like my tart and then i try to hook you up and now you're going to leave before it's ready?"

the staffer was able to urge the old man to a chair and marcus made sure that old man got some tart.

a totally adorable exchange. nice to see such a talented chef turn out to be a nice guy on top of it...

for the love of god people

if you're going to fall for every single lame april fool's joke online
today, have the sense not to talk about how you feel for the lame joke
to EVERYONE around you.

it makes you look like an idiot.

to do a deed

i'm getting of the subway and i see an M23 bus which i need to take
across town. a guy in front of me sees it too and as he starts to run
the 30 yds to the bus, he drops his phone. people try yelling at him
to catch him but he doesn't turn around. without even thinking, i
scoop up the phone and sprint towards the bus. we get to the doors and
breathless, i tap his arm and hold up the phone. "oh, thanks" he
mumbles. i swipe my card and start walking down to find a seat and he
comes up to me with a $10 bill. at first i had no idea what it was for
but the realized it he meant it to be a reward for my good deed. i
wave him off telling him it's no problem.

it was a nice gesture, but i felt it spoke a larger message about the
state of kindness in this city. was his offer an attempt to spread the
word that kindness does really pay? i suppose everyone was guaranteed
a reward for returning lost items, people would actually make an
effort to find homes for things they've found. on the other hand,
isn't it sad that some people don't feel kindness and honesty can
still be found for free these days?

but then there are the people who will inevitably feel like they
deserve a cash reward for unsolicited help. those who find cell phones
in the back of cabs and want to know what they'll get in return if
they return the phone.

i, for one, felt that the deed itself was a good enough reward for me,
i was content in my kindness. and then i heard, "third avenue next"
and realized i'd gotten on the bus headed the opposite direction from
where i needed to be. doh!