lurkers, i'm stalking you!

i have a few lurkers.

the ones that confuse me the most are the ones who know me personally.

there are a few at work that fall into this category and haven't told me they read it, which is just weird. no, "hey jasmine, found your blog," or "i heard you had one and wanted to read it, where can i find it?" it's strange that they don't talk to me all that much at the office yet, for some reason, desire to read about my inner workings here in blog city. in fact, someone even told boss lady about it. (she used to be a temp before turning boss and is quite close to several of the veterans working with us, most of all, work boyfriend who used her computer to buy the damn tickets for mexican girlfriend in the first place. real cool, right?) work boyfriend has known about the thing for ages though my statcounter tells me he almost never stops by. whatever he's told boss lady re: his feelings about posts that feature him, he's told me to write about whatever i want, which is what i'll continue to do.

there are a few people who i'm flat out not friends with who read, undoubtedly just to make fun of and criticize me. bless them. i just thought they'd have much better things to be doing. i'm surprised that i'm on their minds long enough for them to feel like they want to stop by, even if it is just to hate and mock me. really now...

lately the blog has been making the law office circuit. i've gotten hits from 20 or so of the top 5o firms in the city. i'm assuming it's just some random guys forwarding the HNT posts to each other but it's weird to see so many recognizable servers...the one of my employer even (explained by boss lady visits, Id.). since i don't write about work so it doesn't matter much. i wish my job weren't so un-exciting, but that's how the dice rolls.

and then there are those that i don't know. those who come from funny servers. those from faraway places (i.e. pakistan, iceland, new zealand). even some a little closer to home. for those strangers who lurk around here, feel free to drop a hello in the comments every once in a while. i don't bite!

unless you like that kind of thing...in which case, i'm all teeth.

blog: a year in review

so i've officially been blogging a year.

i started on a whim and never knew how constant a part of my life it would become. or that it would become a real part of my life at all. and as life has it's cycles, this blog has been there with me for them and taken a few of it's own.

this has been a whirlwind year from me. i finished up a hellish law school career, i took the bar, i lost a friend to suicide, i lost friends because of this blog, i outed myself to my friends, i lost an apartment, i found an apartment, i found a job, i passed the bar, i found a positive balance on my bank account, i found a boyfriend, i found an orgasm, i lost the boyfriend, the boyfriend found a therapist.

this blog has served several purposes. sometimes to give myself time to reflect. though more often to reach out...the e-mails i got when dave died were overwhelming. you showed me your pain to help ease mine and i thank you. losing friends because of things i've written here has made me realize the pure superficiality of those relationships and made me really cherish the friends who've stuck around for every other mistake i've ever made and who, no matter what, love me and think i'm worth having in their lives.

the blog word as i know it has seen many changes. two different sets of bloggers that i know have started some serious long term relationships. several bloggers have disappeared entirely. some bloggers have conceived carried to term happy babies. some lost their life as they knew it. many blogs disappeared or merged or a combination of both as bloggers sorted their feelings out. some real life friends started their own blogs. all the while, i've been here to witness it. to share in the joy, the devastation, and all the stuff in the middle right along with them.

some have been here from the beginning. for some reason, you've stuck around and for that i humbly thank you *bowing to your greatness* i'm honored. several of you i've met at one point or another. i always invite people to look me up when they get into the city. so to those i've met, i look forward to seeing you again. and to those i haven't yet had the pleasure to buy a beer in this fine city of mine...what the hell are you waiting for?!

*raising a glass* here's to another year full of ups and downs and "whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger" stuff. i'm armed with my strength and my happiness and the love of my life, this fair place called gotham city. so, life, i'm ready for you...bring it.

cheers! and can i get a huzzah??

subway diaries, chapter 3

for all gothamites, the subway is a way of life. this is the third in a series of my thoughts on this modus transportare publico. i'm fluent in faux latin, be impressed.

i was talking to M and we both, hands down, agreed that the worst day of the month is the day our monthly metrocards run out.

you buy these things, you use them 2, 3, 4, times a day. you use them a dozen times in a weekend. happily you swipe your card to see the green "GO" pop up in the turnstile and you push your way through. barely remembering when it is you bought the card in the first place and never remembering to check on it's expiration date...

inevitably you're running late, you have your card out, ready to swipe. approaching the gate you swipe and walk at the same time, just to walk right into the turnstile, your body stopped with a jolt. disoriented, not getting what just happened, you check the gate. the words "insufficient fare" glare at you.

FUCK!

you turn around. realizing another month of swiping has been pulled from yet another metrocard you walk yourself to the machines to buy another, relieved that you'll start fresh with another full month of the glorious green "GO."

i'm coming mario!!!

so mario's assistant (lets call her mary) is the best friend of a good friend. translation: we hang out together a couple times a month.

me: the reviews of del posto have been kinda harsh, right? i've been dying to go to babbo...
mary: jasmine, please! i'll make you a reso for next saturday. (note: it is very VERY difficult to get reservations here at all. you need to stalk the reservation line a month in advance and even then you probably won't get what you want if you're not somebody.)
me: are you kidding?! that's amazing...

a few days later i get an e-mail...

"jasmine, could not get anything for that saturday. gweneth is in town or something and pulled all the VIP reso spots. got you next saturday 8pm. here's your reservation confirmation number: 34hm. enjoy!"

that date happens to be the same day that i have Spamalot tickets for!

d'oh!!!

i was really scared mary would be annoyed for going through the trouble/pulling the strings for me and that i wasn't able to make it but she told me just to cancel them and come up with another date.

sometimes it really is all about who you know. god, do i love this city...

back in the saddle

so my roommate emily's birthday was last night. her party was at a cute place in the east village and everyone she knew seemed to show up at this place. this includes most of her boyfriend andrew's friends, several of whom have expressed interest in getting to know me better in the past. literally five guys got my number yesterday, some of them asking right in front of another one. i think i appeared to them to be a hot commodity once they all saw one guy do it and then it was like some crazy competition, "i need to see her too! i need the number! i want to win!"

the list of eligible bachelors:

1.) matt (friend of andrew). real cute, real funny and we get along famously. however, i can't shake the feeling that he wouldn't want to date me and is just super anxious to get me into bed. this stems from a comment andrew made ages ago about how he'd rock my world in bed and that the guy likes a few fingers up his ass...like he was giving what he deemed to be essential advice.

2.) amos (friend of andrew). blond but really nice. wears a cowboy hat but has an excellent body. has a lovely apartment and seems comfortable but works in film. for every pro, this guy has a con. he's also lacking a bit of edge and is terribly shy.

3.) mike (friend of emily). this guy is so put together that my friends think he's gay. he's not gay, he's just southern and a total gentleman. we hang out often and he flirted with me tirelessly yesterday but i know he's secretly in love with emily. i'm the runner-up/leftover/consolation prize. i don't like that spot. he already had my number but he said he'd use it more often.

4.) yuriah (random guy at the bar). funny and very cute. he was so intriguing and i really wanted to see him again and was happy he got my number before he left. all this was ruined when, on my way out, i saw he'd returned to the bar and was seriously working the hostess. you can't win them all...

5.) michael (best friend of bar's owner). very very funny. like, my stomach was hurting from how much i was laughing, funny. not really attractive but so nice and he has dogs. the catch: he lives in philly. he was just in for about 36 hours but he asked if he could call next time he was in town and i hope he does.

i think i'll only end up hearing from two of these guys at most but it was good to know i didn't lose my stuff. that, yes, if i want to date i have plenty of options.

a series of unfortunate events: the END of work boyfriend

note: see the next post for my HNT!!

as for the breakup of me and work boyfriend, it sucks. like his beloved porche carrera that goes from zero to 60 in seconds, he went from perfect man to total sleaze in the same amount of time.

weeks ago he told me he thought he'd go to vail to go skiing with some guy friends. i found out today that by "i'm going to vail to ski with friends" that he meant, "i have a girl on the side who lives in mexico city and i'm spending $400 to fly her in for the weekend." it was premeditated, as he told me about vail weeks ago but just bought the tickets for mexican girlfriend yesterday for her birthday. i gave him the chance to tell me the truth, i told him about how i saw an airline confirmation from her in his inbox and he fed me some shit about how she was going to visit her father in philly and he told her he'd be in vail so wouldn't be able to meet up with her. and even as i told him i'd actually clicked into the e-mail and knew he bought her the ticket here and was breaking up with him he never got the balls together to tell me the truth. he kept mumbling some nonsense about how he was gonna tell me, that she knew he had a girlfriend, that he wasn't going to hook up with her and it was platonic, that her father lived in new york, that she was paying for half the ticket, that he felt really bad as he was buying the ticket, blah, blah, blah. at a point the dialogue in my head asked, "is he even still talking?"

mexican girlfriend is costing this guy tons! the night work boyfriend met mexican girlfriend two months ago she dialed up his last ex-girlfriend and told her to leave him alone, that she was his new girlfriend. the ex who received that call went out and put a marc jacobs bag and david yurman bracelet on a nieman marcus card that he forgot to get back from her after the breakup.

unexpected charges on nieman marcus card: $1200
plane ticket for mexican girlfriend: $404

losing best thing he's ever had...priceless.

i really hope she was worth it. i hope she comes out and gives him the best goddamn weekend of his life. no, wait. i hope she moves her mexican ass over here to spend the rest of her life with him because i'm not going to be the poor slob to do it.

"give me one more chance," he begs. that's how sorry and stupid he thinks i am. how little respect he ever had for me. if he really knew me, he'd know that i respect myself too much to do anything but walk away from someone who lies and cheats. he'd know that i deserve better. he says he cares about me more than he's ever cared for anyone else which makes me grateful that i'm not the other girls to whom he must have done some AWFUL stuff if this is his how he treats someone he really cares about. i need only to be cared for in a trusting relationship and he scores a big flaming zero on both counts. i've never seen anything like this and the weirdness of it verges on insanity. in fact, when recounting the story to my friends, i kept laughing out loud at the horrendous things he was saying to me. "we can't break up, you're coming to meet my parents!" wha??? "i just wanted her trip to be over so i could cut her out of my life and spend the rest of it with you!" oh, please! (he bought the ticket two days ago. that's how hard he wished for her to be out of his life...) "i'm a good person, i just made one mistake!" huh?? he even told me that he loved me, at which point i actually did laugh directly in his face. the guy is out of his mind. if we're having a great time, i'm fucking him like crazy and he STILL needs his mexican girlfriend...well, houston, we've got problems.

this is probably the all time best situation for a break up. he disgusts me so much that i'm just happy to see him out of my life. i'm happy i found out he was a supreme ass now, as opposed to four months from now when he really might have done some damage. i'm not even sad at his loss, just disappointed that i wasted so much time before i realized who he really was. i can walk into work with my head high because he's the jerk with two girlfriends. and it's good motivation to get myself out of that damn office and into a more satisfying (if lower paying) job.

the optimist in me thinks: "wow, things were great (until i discovered what scum he was) and i can't wait to find the guy who is everything that i thought work boyfriend was who i can trust and who really does care about me." that, my friends, will be the relationship of a lifetime and i can't wait to find it.

so everyone say a collective "ciao!" to work boyfriend... *waving*

and say "hello!" to a better, stronger, more single jazz...in strange places. can i get a huzzah?