subway diaries, chapter 1

for all gothamites, the subway is a way of life. this is the first of a series of my thoughts on this modus transportare publico. i'm fluent in faux latin. be impressed.

i've come to believe that the ultimate romantic gesture in this fine city of mine is watching a man offer up his seat on the subway.

any punked out/gangsta/just plain ugly/scary looking/fill in the blank type guy automatically becomes better looking, sensitive, sweet, thoughtful, and gentlemanly once i see him stand to give an elderly woman a place to sit on the train.

it makes me swoon. for the rest of my ride i fantasize about a mini relationship between me and the knight in shining armor who came to the rescue of someone who needed to rest their tired feet.

sometimes it really is the little things...

i've been tagged!!!

i sometimes get tagged for memes. i almost never do them but this one was cute and no-nonsense...much like myself. so thanks for the tag syar! i like her categories so i'm ganking them. without further ado...

five weird things about myself!

weird habit: i'm obsessed with plucking my eyebrows. every morning i inspect and if i see the teeniest hair sprouting out, i won't give up until i get it. i carry tweezers with me at all times. it verges on obsessive compulsive.

weird aversion: kangaroos. they scare the shit out of me. i used to have full on nightmares about being kicked by one of those things and becoming a paraplegic as a result.

weird anatomy: i have a freakishly long torso. people used to tell me this all the time. a guy i knew even called me "long torso" which, by the way, is probably the most unattractive nickname EVER. so i accepted my long torso, i even embraced it. i accepted the fact that a long torso means shorter legs (midget legs actually). nowadays i'll talk about my long torso and nobody knows what i'm talking about. they think i'm weird.

weird sayings: kate and i are ridiculous together. we have several things we say to each other regularly. the list includes but is not limited to: "i'd like another rolo please!" in a crazy louis armstrong voice; "play with me! pay attention to me!" in a veruca salt voice; and "what are you doing?" said in the voice of apu from the simpsons. i also say, "seriously?" and "ya know?" to the point of exhaustion.

weird posse: i hang out with theatre people. enough said.

have a good weekend folks! myself? well...i'll be at the office. I CAN'T WAIT!!!! at least i can take solace in a steak dinner with work boyfriend tonight.

HNT treize

readers, meet the chloes...a far too generous gift from the work boyfriend.

they're the hottest shoes i've EVER seen and I OWN THEM!!

terra cotta colored, python, 4in. stacked, amazing fucking heels...

thank you work boyfriend, you're seriously too much...

happy HNT people! see here for what it's all about!

curse you, evil UTI!!!

i woke up at around 4am this morning, really needing to pee. i get to the toilet only to let a few burning drops out. fearing the worst, i tried to stand only to be rewarded with shooting pains and a burning sensation and the feeling that i need to pee. good thing i'm still standing over the toilet, yes? this continues until i get tired of even attempting to move out of the bathroom. sitting in my cold bathroom on the porcelain chair i just wanted my mommy to come and, i don't know, do what mothers do. probably take me to the goddamn emergency room or something! the burning started to subside about 5:30am and i stood and felt like i needed to pee still but sprinted to my room and curled up into the fetal position and willed the pain away long enough for me to get another two hours of sleep.

welcome, folks, to the world of the urinary tract infection. sounds great, right? it's one of those places that, if you're lucky, you'll get only postcards reading, "i wish you were here!"

it gets even better when you know you have to ride the subway down to work to get to the doctor's appointment you've made first thing in the morning. standing on the subway was near torture to the opposite edge of manhattan but i made it. the doctor's office was inside the NYSE which was kind of cool. i got a cool pass with my picture and a clip on it. you think if i wear a bright green blazer next time i could sneak onto the floor and just start trading? "BUY BUY! NO! SELL! BUY!" all while waving my arms around and making crazy signs with my hands...i'd be excellent i think.

the nurses were super nice and totally babied me, which is exactly what i needed after my traumatizing morning. she liked me because my birthday was the same as her father, who'd passed away. she called in the prescription so i wouldn't have to wait, walked me downstairs, and scolded me for not wearing a warm enough jacket and telling me i would catch pneumonia. i loved it.

so here i sit, hoping my antibiotics kick in sooner rather than later, contemplating wearing my NYSE badge around the office, then realizing that i'm the only one who'd think i was cool if i did, then using my better judgment to leave it my purse like a good girl.

on a COMPLETELY unrelated note...someone found my blog today by searching for "A VOLE RESTAURANT NYC." if you've been playing with me over here a while, you'll understand why i'm SO OFFENDED that someone would come here looking for a place to eat voles. if you don't come here that often, i'll fill you in: i'm romantically involved with a vole. the whole thing just makes me ill...what kind of sicko would eat a vole?!

and another...work boyfriend has entered the blog. i repeat, work boyfriend has entered the blog. everybody wave hello! *waving* i told him about it and he found it on his own. he says he won't come by to check, says he feels like he's invading my privacy or something but pandora's box has been opened. there's no turning back. i'd mentioned the blog to a friend at work ages ago, solidifying the conscious decision to not blog about work or any of the crazies here. everything i've written i've written with the assumption that everyone at work, even work boyfriend, will find it at some point. so will i still talk about him? of course. can i be completely naked here about how i feel all the time? of course not. maybe we should take a course or two from this couple and start a blog of our own...

if i were a gay man, he'd be my soulmate...

i'm shopping with justy and we're waiting on the corner for a light to change on our way to pier 1. i see a woman holding a something wrapped in brown paper with butcher's string tied around it. and because i'm a loser, i start to sing in my head "brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things..." as we finish our walk, the rest of my internal monologue goes something like this: "i haven't seen that movie in ages. i wonder if they have one of those sound of music sing-alongs out here. i wouldn't dare bring work boyfriend with me. but i bet justy would come..."

moments later we step into pier 1. looking around i ask him "so where do we start?" "well," he says, and putting his index finger to his lips in mock "deep-thought" he starts to sing, "let's start at the very beginning..."

i'm shocked. can he really read my mind? how did he know i was already silently doing a one woman show of "the sound of music" in my head?!

"did you see last week's will and grace?"
"no, was it good?"
"well, taye diggs was on."
"no!!"
"and they were going to a sound of music sing-along."
"no!!!! i was just thinking about sound of music sing-alongs!"*

justin hilariously recounted what sounded like it might have been the funniest will and grace episode EVER. and i missed it. anyone have it on tape? but more importantly, it's so good to have a friend to share my dorky qualities with.

"Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somwhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youthful childhood,
I must have done something good"

*i'm thinking this may be the first time ever this sentence has been uttered in the history of the world.

briefly...

i'll leave you with two things before the weekend:

1.) the headline on AOL literally reads: "pat robertson apologizes to israel." that's fucking classic. that guy is so retarded that he actually needs to issue an apology to an entire nation.

2.) some of you have seen these, some of you haven't, they're genius. i laughed out loud for a long time through these "random facts" lists -- vin diesel, chuck norris, mr. t.

oh, and GO BEARS!!!!

for lack of anything better

here's a link to my blog, translated into a "swedish chef" dialect. bork! bork! bork!

click here!

got a clue?

so work boyfriend talked to someone, probably a girl, who clued him in. or else he reads this blog.

today he said, "i know you're like a guy in the way you date and i don't want to suffocate you or anything...but if you want to grab dinner this week, let me know. and by the way...you're hot, not cute. i changed my mind."

the timing was a little late but the sentiment was there. i told him i was free for dinner any night this week. he picked friday (eek! a weekend night!), but i said that was fine. i might not have mentioned it but this guy, his hobby is fine dining. every amazing/new/crazy expensive restaurant there is in this city...he's been there.

hooray for a man with good taste....in food AND in women.

work boyfriend, date deux

the bare bones of it: date number two was lunch. already at the bar with a glass of wine when he arrived, he leaned in for a kiss on the lips when i was aiming for his cheek. however, that was the only awkward moment of the day.

i'd mentioned how good their tomato soup was but how i couldn't finish a whole bowl by myself. he didn't seem interested but wanted me to pick an appetizer to share. my second choice? steamed clams. when the waiter came, clams AND tomato soup were ordered. am i spoiled or what?

justy texted saying he was headed for a movie and we hopped over after lunch to join him where hand-holding ensued. he has a car here and drove me home. we kissed for a bit in the car. on the kiss scale, i'd give it a 6. i tried to get a little sexy on him, a teeny sucking and biting on the lip, and he backed away like it was too much for him to handle...*shaking head*

THE END

i'm not sure about all this. i don't know if our chemistry is that good. to be perfectly frank, i don't know that we have any chemistry. if he's attracted to me, it's not in the way i like. he keeps calling me cute. which is fine, but it doesn't make me feel like i'm wanted. like he wants to rip my clothes off and ravish me in bed. that last feeling...i think i need that. i actually said, "you know, you call me cute a lot." he tried to justify it by saying something like, "well, on the scale of things, you're more on the cute side than the 'really pretty' side." now, i know he didn't mean it to be an insult...but stuff like that doesn't sound good any way you cut it! i'm always "cute" until i get into bed with a guy and when he sees my range and unbeatable enthusiasm, i typically graduate to "sexy" or "hot."

there is so much pressure to like him because he's nice. i don't typically like nice guys. i like hot guys and they're almost always assholes causing me to not like them for all that long. some cycle, huh? because i work with the guy i have to give this as many chances as i can handle before i make any move that brings a whole world of discomfort to work.

i'll see what happens...and so will all of you...

when it rains...

it pours...

i have another date with work boyfriend tomorrow. he has taken to calling me tiny dancer (T.D.) for short. although it is one of my favorite songs, i'm not sure it makes such a great nickname. am still adjusting. also, even though i've had the "text messaging is the downfall of the modern relationship" talk...he texts me still. first saying, "i know text messages are a tool of the weak, but i want to see you monday." since i wanted to see him too, i acquiesced. he also texted me a "wish you were here" on new year's eve. sweet but still BAD BAD. must have talk with him about it tomorrow...

i ran into a guy i met ages ago and we have plans to go out this week.

a friend and i met two guys last night that took us to dinner tonight. neither of us are all that keen but one of them is a clothing buyer and the other one has a yacht so we'd kinda like to keep them around. downside: the yacht guy has a blinking tick, the other has an AWFUL laugh and they are both obessed...obsessed...with house music. you win some, you lose some i suppose.

this stuff is exhausting. i hope at these one of these guys sticks.

also, i thoroughly believe that an excellent night out can be judged by how much random shit you find in your purse the next morning. i once came home with a drum stick. not the kind from a chicken that you eat, but the wooden kind you play a drum with.

contents from my purse the morning of new year's day:

1. three business cards from people i don't remember meeting.
2. a handful of chocolates with liqueur in them
3. a 4th of july type sparkler
4. the new york times sunday magazine (don't ask!)
5. a half dozen poker chips
6. the number of a beautiful guy from montreal (a good kisser too...)
7. a kazoo