Thursday, April 14, 2005

Four free dogs and a monkey

I say often that I love new york. I love the people. They’re weird, aggressive, sometimes brilliant, sometimes not, but always entertaining. If you’re paying attention you also know that I love craigslist. I regularly scan the missed connections, the personals, the rants and raves, and last but not least…the free items section. I recently ran across these two classics. I did not make this stuff up. I’m not nearly that bright or witty, trust me. I loved these and saved them and am posting them for the rest of you to enjoy.

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Posted by:
Posted on: 2005-??-27, 12:22AM
hi, in a fit of impulse I bought a case of thin mint girl scout cookies. They used to be my favorite. But it was just too much and now I am very sick of them. So I am going to give away my last 5 boxes. So this sunday the 28th (march) at exactly 4:30 in the afternoon I will be standing near the entrance of the dog park in Tompkins Square Park wearing a dark grey suit and a cowboy hat. I will give a free box of cookies to the first five people that give me a rose. It doesn’t have to be a rose. Just some kind of flower. You give me a flower I give you cookies. On sunday I will answer to the name Scott. I’m thinking that this Sunday I might answer to the name Eliza. Just for the hell of it.

Original URL:
Posted by:
Posted on: 2005-??-29, 8:22AM
somehow my last message disappeared from craigslist. i'm really desperate and need help NOW. please keep this message on until someone can help me out, at least. this is what I have...four free dogs. Two of them are large sized, about up to my waist. One is brown and the other sort of milky grey, with a large black patch of hair on his belly. The "black hair patch" dog has a limp, as it was stepped on by a truck driver doing a delivery one day. But he's very kind. The other two dogs are about the size of a bowling ball, but not round like that. One is more round and the other pretty skinny. I don't know the breeds, but they have scratchy hair. You may have seen me with them because I walk them all together usually from Lexington to Central Park and I like to go down 80th street. I also have a monkey but he looks sort of sick. I think you'd need a vet for him. I got him in New Jersey about three years ago. All of these are free and I have individual bowls for the dog and a leash for the monkey. I have to get rid of them because I need an operation in a week that's pretty serious and I don't have anywhere for them to stay. They all get along great except for the monkey and the larger small dog. But I'd hate to split them up. Serious inquiries only. I would rather that they didn't go to the Bronx or Staten Island. Nothing personal.

11 people who played with me:

Blogger Sarah said...

I am killing myself laughing.
These are my favorite:

1) "about the size of a bowling ball, but not round like that," and

2) the "larger small dog."

I couldn't come up with two more profoundly stupid oxymorons IF I TRIED. And believe me, I have tried.

Do you ever find it unnerving that you live in the same city as these people?

4/14/2005 1:11 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

ps. what's the fastest way to lose 10 pounds (besides eating nothing but lentils)?

4/14/2005 1:15 AM  
Blogger scribe called steff said...

I LOVE the last line--"I'd rather they not go to the Bronx or Staten Island. Nothing personal."

I don't know why, but it kills me.

And ditto to the bowling ball comments above.

4/14/2005 2:15 AM  
Blogger Andy said...

I keep thinking of the movie "Outbreak" when he says "... have a monkey, but he looks kind of sick". I was waiting for him to follow up with "He's good with kids, though"

New York is sounding more and more wondrous by the minute.

4/14/2005 2:29 AM  
Blogger jazz said...

ginnderella: drink at least two full glasses of milk every day, cut out red meat (sorry!), and stay away from sugars (juice, candy, the rest). add a lil bit of speed walking to the mix and you're set....

steff: that's my favorite line of the whole thing. it kills me too...

4/14/2005 7:19 AM  
Blogger The Bag Lady said...

Am I the only person that feels kinda sad from the second one?

He's having an operation, dammit! A serious one! And now he has to get rid of his family.

4/14/2005 11:35 AM  
Blogger omar said...

The "black hair patch" dog has a limp, as it was stepped on by a truck driver doing a delivery one day. But he's very kind.

Nobody would blame him if he turned into a bitter, nasty "black hair patch" dog after this incident. Yet he remains kind. What a trooper.

4/15/2005 8:39 AM  
Blogger scribe called steff said...

I do feel a bit for the operatee.

But I still loved the last line. Great minds, Jazzy!

As for keeping his disposition, what a hilarious comment, Omar. Thumbs up there.
Land of the ridiculous. Read me and weep.

4/15/2005 3:23 PM  
Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Wow, am I poster number 9? This is crazy and completely uncoersed. :)

Seriously, though, the "Bronx or Staten Island" line killed me.


(So, Jasmine... how'd I do?) :)

4/15/2005 6:19 PM  
Anonymous 'ka said...

some new yorker... :D the 2nd one is so hilarious! i can't stop laughing :))

4/19/2005 12:34 AM  
Anonymous 'ka said...

my friend sent me this link. thought of sharing it with you..

4/24/2005 4:09 AM  

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