on the lasik

it absolutely, without a doubt, totally changed my life.

i went to the laser eye center (tlc) which is where tiger woods went.  
and i know adverts are just manipulative images with copy written by  
people who are overpayed and too slick for their own good...i did  
literally think, while sitting in the examination room, "well, if it's  
good enough for tiger woods, it's probably good enough for me."

i went in, they did all sorts of eye tests/measurements and told me i  
was a good candidate. i made an appt to get the surgery done at the  
end of the week. it was really the sort of thing i had to jump into or  
else i never would have done it. i'd have spent away that huge tax  
rebate or even worse, chickened out entirely over thoughts of blades  
cutting into my eyeballs.

i did do a fair amount of research and opted for the "expensive" plan  
which consisted of bladeless custom lasik (TLC only does custom) and  
they offer a lifetime guarantee which means if i'm one of the 3% of  
all people who need a touch-up, that they do it for free.

the day of, i was so nervous i thought i'd burst into tears any  
second. that is, until they gave me the valium, which was awesome.  
i've never thought of myself as having an addictive personality but  
whenever i get close to a controlled substance i enjoy myself so much  
more than is healthy. so i'm sitting in the waiting room, all my limbs  
nice and heavy and tingly and i'm guided to the operating room. one  
eye gets taped shut, the other lid gets taped open. i see what seems  
to be a little metal ring and a second later it's painlessly holding  
my eyelids back. i get warned there's going to be a little pressure  
and it would get black.

and painlessly, things do go black for about two seconds. i'm then  
told i'll see a very blury red flashing light and to just look up at  
it. i do. i am told i'll hear come clicks and that it will be the  
laser. the clicks come, last for about 3 full seconds, and as if a  
page is turned my eye flap is returned to its home and with its  
replacement, i can see the light clearly.

"okay, next eye. you did great." "but you didnt do anything!" i said  
in a panic. he laughed at me before assuring me that he's pretty sure  
he did do something and he'd prove it in a few minutes.  the whole  
process lasted about 1.5 minutes per eye.

right after, i could see all the way down the hall, and appropriately,  
it was hazy as if in a dream sequence in a film. i took a 1/2 hour nap  
and was sent home in a car and told to keep my eyes closed as much as  
possible for the rest of the day.

my plan of watching the previous night's episode of lost foiled, i  
made about 300 phone calls to people hoping for anyone to keep me busy  
until i could listen to the yankees game on the radio. i even called  
peter, a blog friend whose number i've had but never used. and peter  
kept me company for several hours, bless his heart.

and today, i'm 20/20 and happy as all get-out. i still wake up morning  
and panic that i've slept with my contacts in. i still feel like i  
need to take my contacts out as soon as i walk in the door at night. i  
CAN see how dirty my bathroom is and cleaned that shit, stat.

i also had some bruising which was displayed in red burst blood vessel  
looking splotches on the whites of my eyes. in another week they'll be  
gone completely and I'll look back to normal.

and now i'm beach/pool/summer ready. i feel like a new person. so far  
the most priceless moment has been coming in from the rain without  
having to wipe off my glasses once inside.

i've also gotten into the habit of talking about all the things i can  
see with my "lasik eyes," as if I had a super power like x-ray vision.  
"my lasik eyes read that street sign 100 yards away and tell me we are  
on 45th st!" huzzah!