one small typo plus randomness

my friend just got flowers from her boyfriend. the card read, "i can
wait until you're mrs. gregory."

the ctrl button on my laptop is broken. i use it a lot more than i
realized and it's really annoying

i heard the soulja boy song at a club over the weekend but NOBODY was
doing the dance. and i was not about to get up and do it by myself.

re: a party i went to last night, in the invite from my friend: "doing
a Vegas-inspired event this Thursday at [hot club]. Should be a wacky
time...(we literally had to tell the showgirls to shave and they had
to at least wear pasties)."

i've been having really lucid dreams lately. one night i was at
central park with my friend jesse and bombs were raining down on us
from fighter planes. another night i was mad at my friend astri
because her boyfriend had written a note with a sharpie on one of my
favorite bras and she wouldn't replace it. i almost never dream (at
least not that i remember) so it's a bit nutty for me.

Last nights lost was amazing. I literally think the whole show could
go to shit and I would die happy having seen that last episode.

100 things food update

so number 29?

well i was able to knock olives off my list. and i've proudly gotten  
myself back into barbeque ribs. i do draw my line on bbq sauce at  
ribs, however. don't put it on chicken or salmon and expect me to eat  
it.

oh, and the salmon? i've kicked that too, i think. i started by eating  
it rare in sushi. okay, so far so good. then i tried it smoked with a  
bagel and cream cheese with some tomato slices and capers and red  
onion and thoroughly enjoyed it. and finally, i ordered a simple  
grilled salmon fillet the other night and kind of loved it, actually.  
so i'm officially crossing salmon off my list.

also, there's a clarification on the tacos (90), i will only eat tacos  
in a corn tortilla (hard or soft) and will never eat them in a soft  
flour tortilla. and why can't i find a place that does a good baja-
style fish taco anywhere in this goddamn city?

bananas are still out of reach. i can't even stand the smell of them. i think i'm going to start adding some bananas to smoothies and  
try to gradually build up an immunity that way.

and while i'm at it, i'm adding some things to the list. foods that i  
hate that i will never try to get over: black licorice. fennel seeds.  
lemongrass (i'm allergic). cottage cheese. american cheese. rye bread.

besides that, this list has been pretty consistent....

conan!

so remember those guys i met from nbc?

one of them was the one that gave brian williams my card, which resulted in him leaving me a voicemail.

another one of them e-mailed me shortly thereafter to let me know that he used to work on the conan o'brien show and that anytime i wanted to come, i was welcome. well, strike and all, i figured i'd wait that out a bit. but now that they're back, he e-mails to say, "which is better, monday or tuesday?" he wasn't sure whether i'd get a seat or whether he'd just stick me in the production booth to see the show from there.

i've loved conan since me and one of my best friends in grade school started seeing commercials for his show. we actually threw a "conan debut party" in my basement and i've enjoyed him ever since. i teared when andy richter left.

So I get to the visitors center and check in and am told that a page will bring me to the editing booth. Sure enough some young kid with a blazer brings me over to my host. My host then brings me on a tour of 30 rock. I saw the msnbc studios (though my beloved brian Williams was in ohio for the debate. I get to walk through the saturday night live studio and was told I had to come back on a rehearsal day (don't have to twist my arm on that). I got to see conan host will ferrell who was so funny.  

Afterwards we went downstairs where the band and guests were walking about willy nilly. I was so close to conan that I could have licked him. 

Then some crew people and I went to a bar around the corner and met john sterling, the voice of the new York Yankees. I will say that he looked nothing like I thought he would look and was with a woman half his age. We discussed Clemens and steroids and if you want details of that convo, email me. 

In all, a totally awesome evening. If I haven't mentioned it lately, I love my life!

how dreams die

one of my life dreams was to be on that show "cash cab"

i imagined the awesomeness of hopping into a cab and having my vast
array of useless knowledge win me a cool few hundred as i cabbed it to
dinner.

oh, i'm so naive.

i met someone recently who was on the show. turns out that he was at
some bar and some person walked up to them and said, "i work for a
network doing a show on cool places in new york. can you think of cool
places you'd want to be filmed talking about? oh, and also, i'm going
to ask you some trivia questions now." this guy did well and was told
he'd made the show. he was met by a producer on a corner and the
producer hails a cab and tells the guy to get in and she'll meet them
at the destination.

and what do you know?! he's in the cash cab. oh, and this guy was
answering the questions without a problem so they had to stop and tell
him to look like he was thinking harder about them to make it look
like he was having difficulty.

he did well and won money, but they don't hand you money. or rather,
the money you get you don't get to keep; you're mailed a check 6 weeks
later.

see that pile of ash on the floor over there? it's what's left of my
cash cab dreams.

our tour of the boroughs

"hey, it's colin's birthday. i think that we have to rent a hummer limo and drive around to bars in it. everyone bring either a bottle of kettle one or veuve and meet at ted's at 8"

i could feel the hangover creeping up my body as i read that sentence, the headache fading in, my stomach growing nauseous. there's nothing like a solid night of drinking to make me feel old and extremely regretful of my previous night's actions.

so with our white stretch humvee we headed to brooklyn! first stop was a straight bar called barcade where i got some good beer, some beef jerky and played tetris with a cute hipster thing whose pocked i slipped my card into as i left.

it didn't take long for people to get sloppy. we sent one girl home in a cab at the second bar. people started to get to the state where they'd just fall over for no reason. that usually means it's time for me to sober up so that there's at least one person making sure nobody dies. brian's little sister had picked up a guy at barcade who we threw in the limo with us and with whom she was later straddling in some makeout session. brian, the overprotective brother, started crying. we're back in the limo headed into manhattan and people are starting to take their pants off and are "crowd surfing" in the car. drinks are getting spilled, iphones are on the floor are getting drowned in vodka sodas. i'm grabbing the electronics like mad to dry them off, helping the driver navigate, and trying to get brian to breathe (he'd decided he wanted to try to hold his breath through the tunnel which is like a 3 minute ride).

when i got them to the last bar back in hell's kitchen, we still had 25 minutes left so i called it quits and took the limo back home up to washington heights. yeah, that's how i roll!

unrelated: i saw vantage point. as always, stop reading here if you don't want spoilers. first, i hated it. the first 10 minutes of the film was replayed some 6 times. people started loudly groaning at the 4th go-round. for the star-studdness of it all, the actors had such a terrible script to work with that it made even those oscar award winning actors look like novices. i can't even really describe the horribleness of it. there were a couple surprise turns which kept things mildly interesting but for the most part it was an unrealistic story that involved a terrorist group having members that worked for 1.) the hotel where the president was staying 2.) the american camera crew for the news station 3.) the mayor's office in the city of spain where the movie takes place 4.) and most unrealistically, the US president's secret service detail (yeah, whitey matt fox plays some spanish terrorist. nonsense).

forest whitaker plays an american tourist who i think is mentally handicapped who just happens to videotape all the pertinent parts of the terrorist bombing, purely by accident and then chases the terrorists around the city to make a home movie to bring home to his kids. like, seriously, you're at a rally and the thing gets bombed and then you pretend your james bond chasing these people all over the city? no. the worst part happened as the denouement began. dennis quaid, who, through a series of ridiculous events, saves the president (or, rather, happens upon him in a car after an accident that kills his terrorist kidnappers). he says with disbelief, "is that you, mr. president?" and it's meant to be a serious moment and the entire theater bursts out laughing. awful. do not waste your money.

as seen on 57th and 7th

email from ted:

"the homeless guy at the corner of 57th and 7th had a sign that said 'Need money to get drunk so two girls can take me home and molest me'...and I thought...that's what she said..."

 

Happy Friday

this makes me laugh.

anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant has thrown in custom messages for the cooks and that they're usually vulgar, but all in good fun.

lets just say i have an extensive knowledge of spanish swear words and know how to spell them all correctly. and no, they're not supposed to end up on the receipt.

i heart cater-waiters

katie's party was a huge success.

there was a nice mixed group. smattering of magazine editors,
sprinkling of pretty actors, some fashionistas.

nigel barker is definitely stalking me as he's now shown up and 4
different parties that i've also been at and none of them had
overlapping sponsors/hosts etc. also, he's still one of the most
beautiful men i've ever seen in my entire life.

the food? fab. mini grilled cheese sandwiches that came with an
espresso cup of tomato soup (i'm getting sick to my stomach thinking
about how many of them i ate), little beef tartare on parmesan crisps
served with shot glasses of coors light. wee BLTs, mini burgers
(quarter sized with poppyseed buns and lettuce, tomato, pickles...it
was literally the smallest burger with the works i'd ever seen) that
also came with teeny cones that had about 5 fries each, eensy hot dogs
with mustard, salmon and caviar on pumpernickel that were cut in the
shape of little piggies, coleslaw on cucumber rounds. dessert, baby
ice cream sandwiches, little cupcakes and cotton candy! i haven't had
cotton candy in some 10 years and it was AMAZING.

we all got too drunk for our own good. the gays took of and julie and
i waited for katie so we could head to another bar. we watched all the
pretty cater waiters cleaning up and then started shamelessly flirting
with them. julie would yell, "hey! you! come here!" and force them to
chat with us. a lot of aussies and all of them just generally
gorgeous. my favorite was one who drove in from philly for the event.
it sounded crazy but he assured me it was worth the money. they kept
bringing over unfinished bottles of wine and left about half a dozen
there for julie and i to try to finish off. lets just say we did a
better job of that than is healthy. we headed to another bar and
things start to get hazy.

i remember getting into a cab. i remember julie begging me to stay at
her house. i remember thinking it was a bad idea but that, at least, i
did have a spare change of clothes to wear to work. julie has just
adopted a teeny kitten and i'm totally allergic to cats but she
wouldn't take no for an answer. though my allergies didn't kick up
much, that kitten kicked my ass. the thing didn't sleep. just ran
around all night. jumping on the bed and lying on my neck or putting
her whiskers up my nose or pawing my face so i would wake up and play
with her (julie said she once woke up with kitty's whole head in her
mouth). and julie, who hasn't slept more than 2 hours a night since
she picked her up last week, was also awake and couldn't stop talking
about how annoying kitty was and yelling at kitty to shut up or
patting the bed and yelling, "come here stinky" which, clearly, didn't
work once though she tried about 100 times.

so i got about 15 minutes of sleep last night. not ideal. but thank
god the gap near my office opened at 9 so i could run in to buy clean
underwear (these cute navy and white striped things with a little
ruffle!). it sounds hellish but it was pretty funny. mostly because i
was too drunk to stress out about how tired i was and the more i think
about it the more i laugh to myself about how ridiculous it all was.
it was still an amazing night anyhow. but at least now i know not to
do any more sleepovers at julie's house.

open letter to david chang

dearest darling dave,

just wondering what it would take to try to secure an opening week reservation over at your new place, Ko.

i'm not above the donation of sexual favors when it comes to good food. just sayin.

you know where to reach me.

love,

jasmine

ISO a stylist

those who know me, know that i always get the greatest haircuts ever.
i have several friends who now to go my guy and i'm utterly devoted.
people stop me on the street, several times a week, to ask who cuts my
hair and who does my highlights. zeki is THAT good.

but like all artist/genius types, he's a bit whacked. he often just
goes missing for several days. he bops from one salon to the next.
even though i have his personal cell, the mailbox is often full and
the phone turned off.

but for the past year and a half he's been uncharacteristically
stable. he found a super posh salon (at which i received a 66%
discount and still felt that i was spending too much) and showed up to
work. most the time. until recently. which is why he's no longer at
the employ of said chic salon.

so i call him because i really fucking need a haircut. but when i
leave him a message, i can't say, "hi, the salon says you've
disappeared without a trace and that they've fired you. i'm worried
about my hair, we need to meet up." so i had to leave the "i hope
you're okay, nobody has heard from you. stop freaking me out and
please call me back" message. and in due time he called me back but
he's been flighty as ever now that i'm trying to actually pin him down
to a time to go to his place so he can give me a cut.

oh zeki, why are you always abandoning me in my time of need? why must
it always be about YOU?!

good friends to have...

emily got a job at this great showroom. that means that all the
clothes there that sell for upwards of $400-700 in stores, i get for
wholesale at around $100, plus a discount of 30% off since we're
roughly the same size and she can pretend the clothes are for her. in
other words, i win.

i also am newly connected to someone at a very fancy designer (who
will not be named) who has a massive discount (and is not supposed to
use it for friends but does anyhow). i just got $1600 worth of stuff
for $600. and i know what you're thinking...and yes it's too much
money. but...i have no excuse actually beyond complete recklessness
with a credit card. but guess who owns some of this seasons hottest
shoes and didn't have to pay $800 for them?!

also, katie is throwing this huge red carpet bash for her client on
tuesday. the client isn't all that glamorous and they're having to pay
celebrities to walk down the red carpet. it was shocking to hear how
much some of these people make to dress up, get some pictures taken
and have a free drink before sneaking out the back door. totally
amazing. but that means that i, a lay person, get to wine and dine,
however briefly, with the hot shots for a night.

random tidbits

first, me and my valentine, the iphone, went to dave and busters with the gays. it was so much fun. am i a huge loser if i actually kind of like that place?

i forgot to mention it (or i've been suffering from complete denial), but in my immediate NEED to start using my iphone and the swiftness with which i canceled my plan with verizon...i didn't save my voicemail from brian williams. i'd meant to record it and save it as a wav. file but didn't get around to it and it wasn't until the at&t woman was saying, "now, don't forget you'll lose all the info from your voicemail in 5 minutes" that i almost shrieked in horror at my loss. but i did get to listen to the message a dozen times and all my friends listened to it too so it got pretty good mileage in it's all too brief lifetime. still a bit sad it's gone. but then i glance at my pretty pretty iphone and don't feel so bad.

also, i called verizon to settle up my tab. turns out they owe me money and are sending me a check. sweet! i guess they charge in advance when they bill you.

my friend craig was profiled on a citysearch blog. awwww...isn't he cute?

the memorial service for my professor was lovely even though i cried through the thing. pretty and i went out together because pretty was his teaching assistant. we always wondered how many languages he spoke but he'd never say. didn't want to brag i guess because his sister said it was 7. and i suspect she's forgetting one or two. she spoke about the time he brought her to the holy land (she is a nun and he was a preist with a doctorate in islamic studies) and as they were all being searched as they crossed the border, he was speaking both hebrew and arabic to the government authorities on each side of the border. she also told a story about how when he was little, his mother brought him to see the ugly duckling and that she had to leave early with him because he'd turned into a sobbing mess. "why didn't anyone love the ugly duck?!?" he wailed. and then she brought him to the toy store where he rummaged through all the stuffed animals until he found the ugliest one to take home to love. i'd always thought it was strange that their parents had two children who devoted their lives to the church, thinking that maybe the family was just THAT religious, but no. turns out their parents got made fun of plenty for not being very religious at all, compared to the paths their children ended up taking. the one thing that can be said about father don was that he made everyone he came into contact with, a better person. there isn't a person living who shouldn't aspire to be a little bit more like him.

saw atonement. stop reading here if you don't want spoilers. first, i'm definitely in love with james mcavoy. he reminds me of a crush i had long ago. but i couldn't really stand the movie. i was not invested in his and keira's "love" and all the war bits just bored me. i really considered napping a few times. also, what kind of freak lies to the police about an innocent person raping someone just because she was jealous of her older sister bagging the man she liked? i mean, really, this girl was meant to be smart. then she turned evil for no real reason. and the ending? "oh, but it's all better because i came out and professed in a book and now they can live happily ever after even though they both died unhappy and apart." bitch!

happy v day

that is v for vendetta, obv.

i've had plenty to hate about valentine's day. and i've discussed that hate.

but today, the sun is out and it's just beautiful. and i couldn't help but grin at all the people with flowers on the train. it's actually kind of cute. or i'm just in a shockingly good mood for absolutely no reason. coughiphonecough.

but i will say, men should give flowers more than just once a year. and for the love of god, stay away from restaurants. they're evil places on feb. 14th.

ask and ye shall receive

dear rebecca minkoff,
i like that bag that i always see lindsay lohan with. you know, the black morning after bag with gold hardware. but i don't have $600 to spend on a purse. is there anything we can do about this?

dear jasmine,
i'll sell you that bag for 50% off. deal?


dear mike,
you know all those $200/hr pilates reformer classes you bought from that girl that you subsequently broke up with? you still gonna use those?

dear jasmine,
probably not. you want them? they're yours.

dear sam,
you know that iphone that isn't compatible with your fancy work stuff? i think you should sell it to me.

jasmine,
it's yours for $150, pick it up whenever!

iphone ruminations

first, i spend a lot of time looking at it longingly. i would imagine
that this is also how i'd be if i had a baby. the "i can't believe
that of all the people in the world, you belong to me! and i love you,
you cutesy wootsy little amazing darling!" type feeling.

second, i have fat thumbs. the keyboard won't recognize a thumb tap to
save my life. i'm now an index finger typer, which is weird because i
always kind of hated index finger typers.

third, i'm a lot less popular than i thought i was. there's nothing
like having 24/7 access to e-mails to make you feel like you don't get
many. it's a much nicer feeling to not check all day and then have
some 40 messages sitting there at attention for you.

fourth, i'm torn about my choices in ringers and wallpapers. i like
them all. and then i remember not to torment myself about it much
because i keep the thing on vibrate always and nobody hears the damn
ringer and the wall paper is something i only see while i'm sliding my
cursor to unlock the phone.

fifth, i'm a polishaholic. i'm constantly wiping little stray
fingerprints off of it. which makes me not want to touch it. but i
MUST touch it because it's so fun to play with!

sixth, sam didn't give me a manual with it. i feel utterly lost
without a little booklet to read from cover to cover. what?! you don't
read the manuals that come with your gadgets? it's okay. nobody does,
but me. i'm that loser who always reads her manuals like a good girl,
learning the intricacies of her digital camera even though she doesn't
know anything about lighting and exposure and half the functions i'll
never use. but hey, at least i know they exist! that counts for
SOMETHING, right?

seventh, there's something liberating about re-vamping my contacts
list. just choosing not to add to the iphone the people that shouldn't
have still been in my old phone. people like, "john the pastry chef"
who has since moved back to ireland. or jarvis that club promoter
whose number i'm not sure why i have.

master cleansing

in explaining something to a someone i get this response.

"how do you stay so sharp this late at night? must be the food you eat, keeps your brain alert."

what i thought: are you mocking me? do you understand that i haven't eaten so much as a leaf of lettuce since sunday afternoon? how i almost attacked someone for a single french fry in a moment of weakness on tuesday? how i almost started pulling all my hairs out one by one when everyone's food came for dinner wednesday and smelled sooooo good. that i briefly considered stealing a bag of potato chips from the deli and then remembered that i'm not a homeless starving person but that i'm starving myself by choice. that i'm choosing to not put any food into my mouth for 7 days. because i'm insane. i'm insane! do you hear me?! FEED ME!

what i said: oh, i wish. i'm on a liquid diet this week.

last time i did the cleanse was easier. there were less people around and after the second day food stopped looking appealing. it became something like, "oh, those other people are eating that stuff again. interesting the way they put stuff in their mouth that they chew. i should ask someone what that is they're doing someday. but not today. but i'm just not that interested."

but this time, THIS time everything smells good! i'm hungry constantly. what i wouldn't give for a mexican taco salad right now. or bbq potato chips. or salt. anything with salt. instead of food, i'm putting extra cayenne pepper in my lemonade to make it spicier, hoping to trick my stomach into thinking, "whoa! spicy! must be real food!" how sad is that?

forward to the 3:40 left mark...AMAZING!

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News

the anticipation!

so i picked up my iphone from sam.

i was at the AT&T store the minute it opened at 10am. was smart enough to go to the store on 23rd so after i got my new sim card i took the bus allll the way to the gym. i got to the gym, brought my laptop and thought, "oh, i'll activate it, do yoga and maybe the phone will be all working by the time i meet the gays for brunch."

yeah, things aren't going as planned. it's taking like 45 minutes for the software to be installed. BOO.

there's a guy sitting next to me at the gym also doing work and i briefly considered offering to pay him to watch my laptop and my iphone while i went to yoga. then i had visions of him running out of chelsea piers with two of the most valuable things i own in this world while downward dogged and thought better of it.

so now i sit here at the gym, watching that vinyasa class i SOOO wanted to be in.

but fuck it. I OWN AN IPHONE! WOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!! in your face bitches!

okay. that felt good. will stop before omar hikes it down to nyc to punch me in the face.

also, my gym is beautiful and airy and it's a gorgeous sunny day. could be worse places to be stuck while i obsessively watch my itunes download list.

vegas

overheard: a group of people were debating the merits of vegas.

it's one of those places that i said i hated, without ever having been. "i don't have to go. i hate smoke, i hate gaudiness and neon lights, i'm not a gambler, it's expensive and it's in the middle of nowhere."

and then you go to vegas, and see some shows -- there ain't nobody who can say they're unimpressed with cirque du soleil (and i didn't even have to spell check that, natch), eat at some AWESOME restaurants (simultaneously go bankrupt), hang out at the pools with a frozen margarita...it was kind of heavenly. if i had 5 more days to live, i'd be tempted go there and spend every last penny to my name on booze and good food and die happy.

and even though i know i like vegas, i'm still afraid to say i like it in public because i know people judge you. although, most the people judging are ignorant fools who've never been there. there are also the lame-ass tools who love vegas and go around talking about how much they "looooove vegas baby!!!" so, basically, i think it's okay to like vegas, as long as you don't talk about it.

a day of mourning

my mom had to put our first dog, murphy, to sleep. murph was a bichon and a mamma's boy, and a terrible whiny baby who begged at the table, loudly, which drove me crazy. but he also sometimes looked like a little harp seal. he had such separation anxiety from my mom that she'd have to put a doggy life vest on him so that he could come into the hot tub with her, as the 2 ft. distance was too much to bear. he's had pretty bad hips and has been on pain meds daily for years. he would have been 14 this year and i think he had a pretty good life but it doesn't make it any less sad.

My favorite professor also passed this week. I knew he'd been sick for a couple years but I wasn't ready for him to go.

he spoke several languages, studied a dozen cultures and he shared that knowledge and open mindedness with us in order to make us better people. I've often thought that if I had had a father, or when I have a son, I would want him to be like professor Magnetti. I've known few men with as much strength, grace, sensitivity, class, honesty and wisdom as he had shown us. So professor, thank you for being such a truly wonderful example of what we all, as human beings, should strive to be.

barack the vote

happy super duper tuesday folks!

go giants!

so all my gays are voting for hillary. that's annoying, mostly because i know they're all undereducated about the facts. also, most their families are southern and think that my man is muslim. it's so annoying how those smear campaigns so easily gain traction.

go giants! i'm not even a giants fan but i like an underdog.

my friend sam isn't using his iphone anymore and said he'd give it to me. any idea whether transfers like that are possible? what would need to be done? i'd obv, have to set up a cingular acct but i'm wondering what goes into "re-programming" or whatever an iphone. any insights? drop them in the comments

more work people are reading the blog. i find their interest in it is inversely related to how much of a life they have. those who have plenty of friends and other things to do don't give a shit and never read it. then there are those that you'd literally have to pay me to spend time with and they're ALL atwitter over it, gossiping about it, IMing about it. GET A LIFE PEOPLE.

finally getting over cold. a few coughs remain but i've stopped taking the cough medicine because it makes me feel like i'm floating over my body. i feel dizzy and disjointed which sounds like it might be fun, but when you're fighting people go get on the train and get to work in the morning, it's really really annoying.

omg CUTE!

don't you wanna hug it?!

sick

dr: so do you usually have a runny nose?
me: um...pretty much.
dr: and what side do you sleep on?
me: i start out on my back...
dr: but then end up on your stomach.
me: i do!
dr: and when you wake up you always have to blow your nose a lot.
me: yeah! how'd you know that?!
dr: because you have acid reflux. the acid in your stomach, as it is making it's way through your esophagus, is making your body produce excess amounts of mucus, which is why you are always getting bronchitis.
me: ew.
dr: don't even try to sleep on your back anymore, it's making things worse. you're rolling onto your stomach because you have a hard time breathing that way anyhow. oh, and no more chocolate.
me: i don't like chocolate. that's easy.
dr: no more spicy foods.
me: sad!
dr: no more alcohol
me: um, yeah. that's not gonna happen.

so anyway, i'm on a new restricted diet. or i'm attempting a restricted diet. it's not making me happy and it just started yesterday!