master cleansing

in explaining something to a someone i get this response.

"how do you stay so sharp this late at night? must be the food you eat, keeps your brain alert."

what i thought: are you mocking me? do you understand that i haven't eaten so much as a leaf of lettuce since sunday afternoon? how i almost attacked someone for a single french fry in a moment of weakness on tuesday? how i almost started pulling all my hairs out one by one when everyone's food came for dinner wednesday and smelled sooooo good. that i briefly considered stealing a bag of potato chips from the deli and then remembered that i'm not a homeless starving person but that i'm starving myself by choice. that i'm choosing to not put any food into my mouth for 7 days. because i'm insane. i'm insane! do you hear me?! FEED ME!

what i said: oh, i wish. i'm on a liquid diet this week.

last time i did the cleanse was easier. there were less people around and after the second day food stopped looking appealing. it became something like, "oh, those other people are eating that stuff again. interesting the way they put stuff in their mouth that they chew. i should ask someone what that is they're doing someday. but not today. but i'm just not that interested."

but this time, THIS time everything smells good! i'm hungry constantly. what i wouldn't give for a mexican taco salad right now. or bbq potato chips. or salt. anything with salt. instead of food, i'm putting extra cayenne pepper in my lemonade to make it spicier, hoping to trick my stomach into thinking, "whoa! spicy! must be real food!" how sad is that?