Tuesday, February 28, 2006

search words

to the nearly 10 people a day who manage to find this blog while searching for: "strange places to have sex" i have one piece of advice for you: just use your goddamn imagination, for fuck's sake! i mean, is it really that difficult?

but for those of you who really are "sex in strange places" challenged, i offer these suggestions:

a quiet corner of a library
a public park
a bathroom at a banana republic (all BR's have public restrooms)
the balcony of your apartment

frankly...i have no idea what people are looking for. maybe it's pictures of sex in strange places? like a blow job in notre dame? doggy style at the alamo? i think they're out of luck either way...

Friday, February 24, 2006

foot sex anyone?

my friend M called me the other day.

some background on M: she is truly a wild child. when i told her i hadn't had an orgasm, she tells me that she's good at teaching people and wants to sit me down with some porn and watch me try so she can tell me what i'm doing wrong. all bartenders inevitably try to get her home at the end of the night which is a good deal for me. she gets me free drinks (by association) but i can leave the bar without having to shun unwanted advances. one night, drunk at a diner at 4am on a monday, we overheard two ugly girls talking about how hot and popular they were. on our way out, M couldn't resist the urge to tell them to, "get your own lives you ugly mary-kate and ashley wannabe bitches!" before stumbling out the door. she called recently in the middle of the night during the week and i answered my phone to hear, "i just ordered pot. it's being delivered come over!"

just as nights with her are promised to be full of drunkenness and pole dancing, phone conversations with her are just as reliably about sex. so M is crushing on a guy who has admitted to her that he has a foot fetish. i had always thought foot fetishers liked to caress, lick and look at feet. maybe take the feet shopping to buy them shoes. boy was i naive! M has been doing research on what a foot fetish entails and also to make sure that he's not the freaky kind that you'll come home to find has broken into your house and is in your closet sleeping amongst your shoe collection. research shows that they also like sexual acts with feet as well. foot job anyone? i'm not even kidding. i'm still trying to visualize the position you'd have to be in in order to achieve a comfortable angle for giving a hand job with your feet.

so she's unsure of footman's feelings for her as he's been pretty hot/cold lately. i suggested she send him foot pictures. pictures of her feet in nice heels is like soft core porn for a foot fetisher. and foot pictures she's taken.

and of course, since she's got legs to die for attached to those feet, we're hoping he'll be more hot than cold for the future.

now all she's got to work on is that foot job position. any advise/suggestions are welcome...bring it fetishers....

Monday, February 20, 2006

am i lucky or what?

so my best friend just got engaged. "hey jazz, we're going with pink! everything is going to be pink!"

let me tell you...pink...is just not my color. it's probably the only color that i don't stock any of in my wardrobe. i'm just not girly in that way. but kate is my best friend in the whole world so any thoughts of taking her off my roster of friends by feigning a fight or faking a cold were not an option. ready to suck it up and become a walking advertisement for pepto bismol i get an e-mail from kate:

"hey jazz, i think i found your dresses. click here and check them out. they're black strapless dresses and you'll wear the light pink sash around the waist."

so basically, i get to wear the cutest bridesmaids dresses in the history of bridesmaids dresses. a black strapless dress that i'll probably get to wear over and over again.

"and the award for best friend EVER goes to....jazz's best friend kate!"

Friday, February 17, 2006

reason #321 why i love new york

click here

in lawyer speak i'd say: res ipsa loquitur.

the thing speaks for itself.

see you there!

Update: it was cold today. colder than it's been in a long time in this city. i fully admit to wussing out after my pedicure and massage and just going home instead of heading down with my camera. sorry to disappoint kids!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

valentine's day = all satan's day

first, i'd like to give a huge shout out to wags for putting that elusive will and grace episode on DVD and sending it out to me. how's that for a symbiotic blogging event. i write stuff he enjoys, he sends me happiness. thank you!

if you are familiar with my 100 things list (and if you aren't, you should be ashamed of yourself) you know that i hate valentine's day. HATE. i'm not a fair-weather hater, hating when it's convenient for me. i consistently can't stand the day.

an e-mail from a friend:
"First of all, every girl loves Valentines Day. It's your second biggest holiday. The first being New Years. If you "refuse" to recognize it and work boyfriend plays along, he'll be gone within 2 weeks. Just embrace the hallmark holiday as if the Pilgrims started it."

so why do i hate valentine's day? my response:
"i'm deathly serious about that valentines day thing. i waited tables on a valentines day like 6 years ago and it was, hands down, one of the worst nights of my life. i'll never forget it. all the stupid fucks who never leave their trailers any other time of year, all decide to take the honey out on valentines day. all the restaurants put together some shit surf'n'turf prix fixe meal where you get raped with the prices. and i seriously didn't get a tip bigger than 6% all night. WORST. NIGHT. OF. MY. LIFE."
i stay in. i order pizza. i call it an evening.

when work boyfriend found out i hated the holiday he flat out said, "i think i love you. you don't even want to know how much i've spent on past girlfriends on that day." so i'd say i'm saving him money, but then again, we go out to dinner at nice restaurants all the time and the guy spent almost $400 on me on shoes.

work boyfriend has it all planned out. we're ordering pizza on the train and we'll pick it up on the way home. we've recently made a target run to stock his house up on all my favorite toiletries. i didn't even have a toothbrush at my ex-of-five-years' place. it makes this all seem quite serious in a way that sometimes makes me really happy and other times just freaks me out. i mean, it takes me at least four months to make it through a bottle of shampoo. oh, and i should probably mention we have plans to go meet his parents in d.c. in april. like, the hotel has been booked. am i scared? a little. BUT his parents just got a puppy and are bringing it with. i keep telling myself it's all for the dogs. and with me, it's usually true i can't resist a puppy. this time i also can't resist the guy. please spare me the collective "awwww." i'm making myself sick with all this blather. i think this blog needs more midget porn, don't you? ah yes, feeling better already...

on an unrelated note...i've never cared for the olympics. this year, for some reason, i'm totally addicted. ice jumping? can't get enough. downhill skiing? yeah bode! speed skating? i heart apolo anton ono! snowboarding? those shaggy american boys are so cute! and for some reason i keep getting goosebumps when the national anthem plays. i seriously have no country pride since we elected bush to office. what the hell is wrong with me?

Sunday, February 12, 2006

subway diaries, chapter 2

for all gothamites, the subway is a way of life. this is the second in a series of my thoughts on this modus transportare publico. i'm fluent in faux latin, be impressed.

justy and i went to go see woody allen's new effort, matchpoint. discussing the movie as we walked to the subway:

me: i kept thinking i had it figured out, that i knew what was coming next...
justy: me too! i mean, when you saw that ring after he tossed it...
me: i know! i saw that and thought, "shit. it's over."
getting downstairs to the tracks
justy: i thought it was awesome
me: me too. totally loved it...
seeing train approach
both of us, in unison, in reference to the oncoming train: now THAT'S awesome!

with few exceptions, nothing fails to impress more than happening to catch a train just as you arrive on the platform. this is doubly true after 10pm when train frequency is nearly cut in half.

Saturday, February 04, 2006


if any of you are using bloglines, sorry for all the republishing.

is blogger fucked up for anyone besides me? i keep coming home to find that it's gone missing. republishing works to put it back sometimes, and in typical blogger fashion, sometimes it doesn't.

so that explains my crazy publishing as of late. just ignore it. damn blogger...

Friday, February 03, 2006

weekend?? wha??

for the first time in a month my co-workers and i were able to say, "have a good weekend" to each other instead of "see you tomorrow."

i'll never ever take a weekend off for granted EVER again.

i'm sans work boyfriend this weekend (he's in tampa visiting a friend) and already have myself booked completely up. just when i was thinking i had to say goodbye to my single self, here i am, back in the swing of things. doing exactly what i want when i want, partying like a rockstar and looking for boys...only this time, ones to set my single friends up with.

though as happy as i am solo...i have to admit, i'm a teeny bit happier when my guy is around. *sigh* i never thought THAT would happen. i used to be a founding member of the U.S.A (united singles association). now i'm just a plain traitor! forgive me...

i'm blog, nice to meet you real life friend!

all my real friends now know about the blog. most never read it. "all the stuff i read there you've told me in person and i don't have time," is the typical response. this is fine by me.

lately, more than a few real life friends have found the blog and also found the time to browse. their common response: "you are so much funnier on the blog than you are in real life!"

so there you have it folks. don't come out here and call me up to do lunch and expect a funny girl. you'll be left wanting. if all you expect is a little girl with big boobs...well, i'm pretty sure i've got that part covered.

this is your warning. i hate to disappoint. the bloggers that i've meet in person have had varied reactions: "you're nicer than i thought you'd be" "you really, seriously, don't like chocolate?!" "you're just like what you seem on the blog" and the ever popular "so you're really NOT opinionistas?"*

*this is not a popular reaction at all. i just wish it were. that girl rocks.