Sunday, May 07, 2006

some work observations

i haven't posted about work really. partly because everything i do is confidential. mostly because the only thing i do is click on a mouse all day and it's so mind numbing that i keep a quiet count of all the brain cells i lose every hour. so here are some observations on things related to work, unrelated to my actual job...

the worst thing i've had to get used to is the cost/utility functions i'm constantly doing in my own head because i'm paid by the hour. i won't take days off, i won't take long lunches, i hate to leave the office because i'm making so much darn money. for example: i'm working on a saturday and want to stop at banana republic and pick up a shirt i saw for $60. right away i add $45 to the cost of the shirt because that's what it costs me to leave the office for the hour. so is that shirt worth $105? no. vacations are the same way. they are too costly once you add in the amount of money i won't be making while i'm gone. basically, i'm a slave to the hourly wage. it's freaky. i don't know how to cut myself loose from it.

i sit in a corner of the office with several black women who all listen to Wendy Williams and i'm so hooked. this lady his hilarious. we sit and listen to Shayna from brooklyn call into the radio show to talk about how her sugar daddy wants her to fuck him with a strap-on. there are always choruses of "oh, HELL no!" or "this trick's out of her mind!" or other phrases being hollered out from within the cubicles. even though i'm a little half-asian girl, for the hour, i can feel my inner urban diva.

i've also found some excellent fellow stalkers in the office. a girl who'd seen a guy on jdate who she thought was cute, pulled up his profile (which contained only his college, his profession, his interests, and his screenname i.e. "KMan76'"). within minutes a co-worker was able to find out his full name, his law school, his place of employment and what kind of law he practiced. damn. he's good. we all collectively drafted a letter for this girl to send to him over the dating service but we never heard back. i think we're just starting to recover from the rejection.

and honestly, this job isn't a real job. it's a couple college fraternities and sororities who don business casual and show up at the office for a few hours to bide their time until the work-organized binge drinking fests. it can't get more unprofessional than this. for example: we just had a work sponsored (i.e. paid for) open bar and karaoke to bid adieu to a departing boss. this included boss lady getting so drunk that she was: 1.) literally falling down all over the place (whether walking down the stairs or standing on solid ground), 2.) shoving one guy on a table splashing several drinks upon a co-workers lap and 3.) throwing some wayward fists. one landing on the side of work boyfriend's head. one landing squarely in drunk departing boss' face (ouch!) who then proceeded to pour his beer on boss lady's head. boss lady gets upset that she's wet (conveniently forgetting poor guy with a lap full of vodka) and storms out. *boss lady exits stage left. end scene* i wish i were kidding about this. i really do. but i am not. tuesday is an organized outing for beer pong.

yes, BEER PONG. boss lady's name is on the list of people to play. *shaking head* no comment.

i am a document reviewer, which is exactly what it sounds like. firms all over the country pay pay tens of thousands of these underlings to do nothing but search for information in documents. documents from people's files, from their computers, everything down to their day planners...and so i'm telling you, take this advice and carry it with you always:

NEVER USE YOUR WORK E-MAIL ADDRESS FOR PERSONAL MESSAGES.

seriously. it's amazing. pathetic break-up e-mails, e-mails displaying adulterous relationships, porn, e-mails from suzy confessing she slept with her boyfriend's brother joey, stupid forwards, lots and lots of baby pictures.* so really, if you don't want 40 people openly mocking the fact that you got dumped by that guy you met at club med...don't e-mail the stories out on your work account. even though we're thoroughly entertained, we feel bad for you.

*disclaimer: none of these are actual findings, names, etc. this is the range of possible findings. just to be certain that i'm NOT writing about my actual job, bitches.

14 people who played with me:

Blogger Beth said...

Ohhh...I want your job! I want to get paid for being nosey.

It'd have to better than my current job, at the mercy of the Energy Markets

5/07/2006 4:08 PM  
Blogger johnson said...

knowing stuff about people and then having to pretend that you don't know.

5/07/2006 6:24 PM  
Blogger Ale said...

i always feel like the IT people browse emails for fun...

5/07/2006 8:04 PM  
Blogger Mark said...

You know what will cure you of this cost/benefit analysis stuff?

Going salary.

5/07/2006 8:06 PM  
Blogger Becky said...

so good to read your voice!

and now that i know how much you make per hour to read emails, i want to kill myself.

5/07/2006 8:37 PM  
Blogger Gloria Glo said...

A dose of jealousy with some good advice...classic Jazz!

Love the work enviro. Glad I've kept my work email private.

5/07/2006 10:41 PM  
Blogger cadiz12 said...

i have always wondered about that arm of big brother.

this totally reminds me of some book i read where the protagonist worked in a photo lab and they'd all share the *best* photos. hers were the ones from this couple who'd do strange nekkid things. she'd print extra copies of that stuff for herself. until the day she ran into them in real life...

but seriously, jazz, you're not taking into account the joy you'd get from the stuff you're restricting yourself from wearing/vacationing/enjoying. that's gotta be more than just something FICA can deduct from.

'she's come undone' was the book.

5/08/2006 1:50 AM  
Blogger omar said...

I agree with cadiz, there's the enjoyment factor that has to come into play. My old boss always used to say, "You should work to live, not live to work." The whole point of working is to get money so that you can USE it (or save it with intent to use it later).

5/08/2006 9:53 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

I would pay big money to see one of my bosses that drunk.

5/08/2006 10:42 AM  
Blogger MEP said...

Oh lord, can you really read all that? I wonder what you can read from mine? (if you want to answer, let me know :))

5/08/2006 9:58 PM  
Blogger Syar said...

stories like these make me want to grow up and get a job. but only with your kind of perks. and only in NY.

this state of mind is dangerous.

5/08/2006 11:50 PM  
Blogger Joefish said...

Wait... you lose $45 for missing an hour of work?

5/09/2006 11:19 PM  
Blogger SJR said...

I know those IT nazi's are out there reading our work email. So I keep all the really nasty stuff to my private account(s) lol.

So what would you do if you read an email from some guy at the office who described in detail what he wanted to do to you with his tongue? heh.

5/10/2006 7:03 PM  
Blogger The Big Cheese said...

When are you going to post pictures of your tits again?

5/11/2006 11:08 PM  

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