Friday, October 21, 2005

manhattan hook ups...

for anyone who lives in new york or who is planning on moving to new york in the future, the absolute first thing you should do is get a job at a bar, club or restaurant in the city. work there for 6 months or so a couple times a week and then quit.

yes, it's an investment of your time. but this investment will come back to you tenfold. the returns that it will yield are astounding because you, you lucky person, will be introduced to the all powerful manhattan hook up.

how it works: you get a job at aforementioned establishment and you officially enter the the bar/club employee scene. you'll find that everyone seems to know each other. a lot of these people are pretty transient (translation: they're actors, i.e. professional bartenders/servers). they've worked at a million different bars, all their friends work at other bars, etc., etc. before you know it, half your managers have left to open new bars, half the staff has moved to different places and all of a sudden YOU, you lucky duck, seem to know everyone everywhere too.

i'll explain to you how this works in the real world. this was my past week...

Saturday night: (had date with nice but not funny guy, will post about it later). met up with E and she gets a call from a guy she knows, a manager at a mario batali restaurant. he calls to say that emeril and mario were there and that they shut the place down and that everyone there was getting wasted. and that our presence was requested immediately. heck yeah!

Sunday night: dinner at a tribeca restaurant. i was tipped off about a once yearly free pork roast three course dinner they do once a year. so justy and i go for free pork. we show up and i see bill (a guy i used to work with at the soho house). bill can't hook us up food-wise because, well, it's already free. instead, he brings over tons of fat (or is it phat?) wine all through dinner. That same night was the secret hipster party where we got hooked up because we knew a guy who knew the bartenders.

Tuesday night: friends guest bartending at lower east side bar. pay for ZERO drinks all night.

Thursday night: E knows the executive chef at one of the best restaurants in manhattan. this place is an institution. we ate a ridiculous five-course meal (that could have been six but we had to skip the cheese course before dessert...we just couldn't handle it all). we were drinking amazing wine again AND tattinger rose after dessert. they also bring out a plate of chocolates and other teeny pastries after all is said and done. our bill? a whopping $0. BUT we did leave an $90 tip so it cost us a mere $45 each.

which brings me to a very important subject: tipping. folks, when you come out here and start getting hooked up, for the love of all things holy, TIP WELL! you're making out like a bandit by not getting charged for anything, you're going to have to cough up a decent tip. if it's food, give at LEAST 25% of what the bill would have been (the bill would have been $275 for E and i, if you can't afford to tip on that amount, don't take advantage of the hook up). if it's alcohol, throw $20-$40 down on the bar before you go. even if you don't know the bartender at a place, all is not lost for you! if you tip him/her well, they will remember that. i have a dozen or so bartenders that buy drinks for me regularly for that reason. and almost all of them are married, taken or gay so don't start thinking that they're just trying to get my boobs in bed.

Friday night: some restaurant people are having a "meeting" at a hard-to-get-into club and so we're going because we know they'll have bottles on the table and we won't have to pay.

but don't be jealous. i had to put in a solid year and then some at the hell-hole that is the soho house in order to reap these post-employment benefits. listen and learn kids. listen and learn and you too could be on the receiving end of the manhattan hook up!

15 people who played with me:

Blogger highcontrast said...

your "boobs in bed"?? oh that's funny.
thanks for the tips. As soon as I go back to school, I'm going to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a bartender and then hopefully I too will be "hooked up".

10/21/2005 10:53 PM  
Blogger Mark said...

I'm sort of tired, so I can't really tell if that's supposed to be sarcasm or not.


10/21/2005 11:54 PM  
Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

We have the same "consequences" in beer here. People tend to know each other, and you get into events (luxury box @ Sonics games thanks to Tom) and clubs that most people wait in line for an hour and then pay a $40.00 cover.

And yes, ALWAYS tip well when it's comped. For the most part, I can verify that the waitstaff doesn't give a damn if you payed $5.00 or $500.00, they still spent as much time with you as with the guy who is paying, and the hourly rate is shit. Plus you never know when that waiter/bartender/vallet ends up moving on up in the buisness and will end up recognising you later on, especially if you are at their place often.

10/22/2005 11:05 AM  
Blogger Ale said...

oh that first restaurant you're talking about is cuuuuute- starts with an "l" and ends with an "a" - i know how you are about 'security' issues-

10/22/2005 12:58 PM  
Blogger piu piu said...

thanks for the tips! may need them.....

10/22/2005 3:41 PM  
Blogger The Seeker said...

Hmmm... what a fantastic idea.

10/23/2005 1:21 AM  
Blogger Me said...

Thanks for the inside scoop. I'm sure I'll be referencing all these tips next time I go. ;)

10/23/2005 7:30 AM  
Blogger Malkin said...

Somehow I highly doubt that if I, an average looking dude, got a job like that I'd get the same post-employment treatment as you. I don't know, just speculating. . .

10/23/2005 9:33 AM  
Blogger omar said...

I'm with maklin, I figure that being born with a vagina is also a part of it.

That aside, I think this is one of my favorite posts. You're part infomercial host ("you, you lucky person, will be introduced to the all powerful manhattan hook up"), part teacher ("listen and learn, kids"), and part trial lawyer (you're saying a theory, then giving exhibits A-E proving it), and part social butterfly. Love it.

10/23/2005 10:28 AM  
Blogger Rex Venom said...

Good times! Good luck!
Rock on!

10/23/2005 4:10 PM  
Blogger Walking Wounded said...

Remember the Beanie Baby craze a few years back?

Well, back on Strong Island I got in good with a bartender at my favorite brewery and mentioned I worked at a company that sold the buggers. Apparently, his girlfriend was googoo for gahgah over them and I told him I could get him new releases weeks before they are set to be available. After, I hooked him up the first time I had a steady hook up of free beer which lasted a few years until he graduated and moved away.

I remember one night in particular I was with five other dudes and we were drinking non-stop for nearly eight hours. Pints are about $4 each mind you. When it was time to pay up we were all prepared for a whopper of a bar tab. Instead, I thought I was really loaded as he hands me the bill and it was only $48 and change! Apparently, whenever we ordered a round he would only charge us for a single pint and he did this the whole night. We all pitched in and gave him $150 making sure he didn't put the benjamin in the community till but in his own left pocket!

Hook ups are awesome.


10/23/2005 10:52 PM  
Blogger stretch td said...

Not bad for an unemployed chick. ;)

10/24/2005 11:50 AM  
Blogger scribe called steff said...

I really need to get out more.

10/25/2005 11:48 AM  
Blogger kiki said...

I'm a bartender, and I effing HATE IT when people do not tip... i wanna be like, "Yeah, I may make more than a waitress, but I don't make as much as you buddy. If you're going to spend $3 on a beer, you can afford to tip me." UUUGH!

10/26/2005 2:37 PM  
Blogger Mark said...

Holy shit, $3/beer? They probably can't afford a tip LOL.

10/26/2005 9:59 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home