Saturday, July 09, 2005

he had her at vole-o

by Cadiz12

Ed. note: while jasmine is off studying for the bar, she's rounded up some forces to keep the readers happy while she's gone. enjoy!

she'd had her eye on him for a long time. even just glimpses of that sleek coat and beady eyes were too much for a sophisticated city girl to handle. but what really got to her was the air of mystery. no one could touch him.

and that just made her want him more.

for months now, she'd tracked his movements and dreamt about having his paws all over her. she tried to ignore it, but the yearning would sneak up and overtake her at inopportune moments -- like when she was trying to remember if it was legal for a kid to sue a parent for negligent supervision in the state of new york, or deciding whether to have that extra shot of espresso in her mocha-choco-latte.

those nights when she playfully flirted at the bar with underage children in hats? ha. those were a means of distraction. sure, she'd be breezy about her brushes with celebrity, but all that was nothing more than a facade.

she had to face the truth. it'd always been about the bad boys. bikers, trumpet players, geeks -- they somehow got under her skin. she'd been able to resist in the past, but this one was just. too. good.

she had no choice but to give in. only a few weeks before the bar exam, she knew there was no way she could study if he continued to take up the majority of her thoughts. so she concocted a plan. culling together tidbits from 'The Secret to Stalking,' volumes one through six, she gathered equipment. she also sought advice from the experts.

'you have to take copious notes,' 1gloriousconundrum said, with a twinkle in her eye. 'he sounds like a wily one; you'll need to zone in on a subtle detail to snag this type of vermin.

next she took a minibreak to the lush land of omar for a little reconnaissance.

'i wish i could help you,' mr. phillips said. 'i've tried everything from bribery to death threats, and i haven't even gotten a good look at him yet. that little rascal is damn sneaky. he's a menace to society! and since the bird-squeezing incident, i fear or the safety of my family.'

ooh, she thought to herself, he's dangerous. i think i'm in love!

'yours is a very tricky operation,' jon said. 'are you sure you want to get involved with such a slick character? i mean, what if he fraternizes with the likes of dakota fanning?!'

cadiz wasn't very sympathetic, either.

'that guy doesn't play around,' she said. 'i don't know what you see in him; when i look into those beady little eyes, all i see is evil.'

at this point she knew she had to take matters into her own hands. she looked down at her chest and said, 'girls, it's time we hooked ourselves a rodent.'

with the help of g-lo's surveillance equipment and a 'you go, girl,' from ale, she set off. week after week, she haunted his hangouts, hoping to get his attention. and she tried all of her usual tricks: dressing cute, wearing her hair in pigtails, even sending suggestive text messages.

none of it worked. he'd just scurry by as if she were a lawn ornament.

she'd had enough. it was time to bust out the big guns.

late one night, she set up camp at the phillipses' garage. she knew he'd be casing the place, so she figured she'd confront him. she waited until he was good and distracted with his tape measure and calculator.

'hey big boy,' she said as she sauntered out in front of him. and before he could react, she flashed him.

it's in the bag, she said to herself.

he coolly put down his calculator and looked at her blankly.

'you know, babydoll, that wasn't necessary,' he said. 'don't get me wrong, they're very nice. but chicks show me those things all the time, and frankly i need much more in a woman than that. however, i must admit i've had my eye on you for months. i've been absolutely intrigued ever since i spotted you in the park reading 'Dos Fantasias Memorables,' by jorge borges. i've been stalking you ever since, and i must say a woman with a brain in her head is the biggest turn-on ever.'

'but why didn't you ever talk to me? i've been trying to get your attention for so long!'

'well, as smooth a criminal as everyone thinks i am, deep down i'm really just a nerd at heart. and i'm your age. i figured you just like younger, more celebrity-like faces. i wasn't sure you'd be into the real me.'

she couldn't speak. all she could manage was to pull out her trusty creme brulee torch from the louis vuitton handbag on her shoulder.

he smiled. then he reached into his knapsack and retrieved an identical torch

14 people who played with me:

Blogger Ale said...

OHH MY GOOODNESSS!!!! i was crying!!!!! aaaahhahahahaahha

...cadiz you forgot to mention...

...and they separated them in the hospital 8 hours later with torches still in hand...

damit cadiz-- no i got work cut out for me.....

7/09/2005 10:39 AM  
Blogger R. U. Serious said...

You got suckered. She ain't studying for the bar. She's looking for studs in a bar! She just wanted someone to write for her while she went out and got laid.

Scared Bunny Blog - Not for the timid

7/09/2005 3:03 PM  
Blogger Modern Viking said...

So it begins. I gotta say, that's a clever idea. Guest bloggers...

So, when you're a famous lawyer will they get free representation? That would be a sweet deal. ;)

7/09/2005 9:00 PM  
Blogger jazz said...

ale: i laughed and laughed at this. cadiz is one close reader. she knew stuff about me i didn't ever remember blogging about...

r.u. serious: i wish i weren't on the verge of a goddamn breakdown right now and had a lot of alcohol in my system and a man in my bed. but NO.

viking: i'm sure something could be arranged. i hope they don't need it though...

7/09/2005 11:30 PM  
Blogger Larry said...

Funny thing, Jazz, he's a rodent. Why didn't yuou just use cheese? :)

I was thinking that the whole time I was reading this post. Here mousy mousy. I got cheese.

Cadiz, that was awesome.

7/10/2005 2:57 AM  
Blogger omar said...

If only I didn't fiercely disapprove of their relationship, I would have really enjoyed this post!

Well done, cadiz.

7/10/2005 6:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL... way too funny!

Yep, there's just something about those bad boyz....they do have a way of getting under your skin! I stood next to one at the Best Buy counter yesterday when I was buying an i-Pod. A Richard Branson lookalike, only younger. Very difficult to focus on that purchase, indeed!

7/10/2005 2:08 PM  
Blogger Gloria Glo said...

Fabulous. And not just because I had a cameo. Truly wonderful, 'diz. Way to set the standard nice and high so the rest of us (okay, just me) can never possible reach it ;)

7/10/2005 2:58 PM  
Blogger cadiz12 said...

thanks, guys. i've always thought that life is in the details.

7/10/2005 4:31 PM  
Blogger JustJunebug said...

Most excellent!! FabulousO!!

7/10/2005 6:02 PM  
Blogger jazz said...

larry: he's threatened omar's life. i don't think he's your average vole.

omar: it will all end when one of you kills the other.

sunshine: i bet mine is cuter ;)

cadiz: you rock!

june: i agree...and this is only the beginning!

7/10/2005 7:33 PM  
Blogger Syar said...

this deserves a standing ovation, know that though you can't see it, i'm giving you one. good job! such wit. love all the past post references. and of course, the vole. what a guy/rodent.

7/10/2005 9:50 PM  
Blogger Larry said...

Jazz, even the superhero voles have an unhealthy(even deadly) affinity for cheese. Set the trap.

7/10/2005 11:59 PM  
Blogger A said...

Took me sometime to catch up with all the posts/blogs after centuries of staying away. Good luck jazz with the exam.

Cadiz: You rule girl!

7/11/2005 1:20 PM  

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