Saturday, June 25, 2005

a few things...

i want to thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers.

a few things have seeped into this story. dave had very recently been diagnosed with a type of lukemia that he was told would end his life sooner rather than later. there is some confusion about whether it was true. something about a mistake in the diagnosis. but it's unclear whether the mistake, if it was made at all, was made before or after his death (and found in the autopsy). regardless, modern medicine is a miracle (no matter what tom cruise and the scientologists seem to think), and a rational person has to think, "you were fully functional and heathy from the outside, you should have rode it out. they might have found a cure for it before you had to die from it." but if, as i suspect, its a culmination of things (upbringing, mental instability, alcoholism, stress, etc.), then the illness may have been the straw that broke that camel's back.

i met his parents today. they don't even know him. they were visibly bothered that they had no part in his life and that they didn't know their own son the way most of us did. they had no idea where to suggest for donations in lieu of flowers for the funeral. they didn't know what his passions were, the things he cared about. it was sad. in fact, it was the sight of them that finally made me cry.

i said in my list of 100 things that i can never cry for death. that isn't entirely true. when i find out initially, i'm emotionless. it's about 3-4 days later when everyone else is all cried out that i finally lose my stuff. i'm just slower at reacting or feeling or my body really resists it for some reason.

i think i'm actually losing my mind. i keep seeing dave places. 4 times today i saw a guy that i thought was him. in class, i kept looking back at the seat where he always sits. it was empty and every time i looked back, there was part of me that truly thought he was going to be there when i turned around next. it seems to be this really weird type of denial. the thing is that i didn't realize how constant he was. although i'd only go out with him every other week or so, he was ALWAYS outside school smoking a cigarrette. always. it is surreal to walk into or out of school and have him not be there. just walking up the stairs, it's obvious that something is different. we're not in kansas anymore toto.

this is my first experience with suicide, which i think is why it's messing with my head so much. i just don't get it, and as any virgo would know, it's awful to not have control or an understanding of something.

the one understanding i've seemed to grasp slightly is that this was bigger than all of us. that whatever demons were there, that all reason and logic were out the window. i just hope he ended up wherever he had hoped he'd end up by making this move. i hope that he got what he wanted. that if souls are hanging around somewhere, that his is finally at peace. i'll never understand (nor do i want to) where he was, but it's obviously a very painful place and i hope that he is out of his misery.

and still, i keep thinking i'll go to sleep and wake up and it will all have been a dream. still. i'm not at the point of comprehending that i'll never see or talk to him again. as i type this, i don't belive it for a second, even though i know it to be true. denial is a powerful thing...

15 people who played with me:

Blogger Gloria Glo said...

Wouldn't that be nice? To wake up and have it all be better, simpler.

I think you're doing a good job with this. Take your time. We're all here to listen.

6/25/2005 2:57 AM  
Blogger omar said...

It is tough, jazz. I've had a couple of friends pass away (not suicide though, accidents) and I had similar feelings of denail, just expecting them to still be there.

You're in our (mine and the vole's) thoughts.

6/25/2005 6:41 AM  
Blogger JustJunebug said...

cry when its time.

when my father died, i did nothing. not one tear. for days. for the whole year he was dying not one tear. when it was over, everyone else cried. and cried. and cried. not me. and then after the service, after the 21 gun salute and still no crying, as i was walking away from the gravesite, i turned to see them lowering him. i feel to my knees and cried till i passed out. everyone knew it was coming, it was just a matter of when.

big hugs for you jazz. i havent stopped thinking about this since you posted his death.

6/25/2005 9:57 AM  
Blogger jazz said...

oh my god! the vole is carrying a picture of my boobs! that is friggen awesome!

omar, g.lo, and june: thank you. you've all really been there and it means more than i can say.

6/25/2005 10:38 AM  
Blogger jac said...

jez
Everybody goes through incidents like this, some body feels too much about it and for some body it is a flash and it is gone. Important thing is that one have a lingering feeling of that, just like what you have and it is called humanity.
I am sorry about all these and I hope you will recover from this feeling soon. Remember that there are people over here on you side. Take care.

6/25/2005 2:12 PM  
Blogger quycksilver said...

so true about the power of denial. . . it's awful! This is so not in the same league, but for the longest time after a really bad dreak-up, I saw my ex 9or rather, his dopplegangers) everywhere I went--it would make me nauseous and shakey for a while even after i would realize that it was someone else. i think it was because the whole situation was weighing so heavily on me at the time that my mind would automatic ally go there whenever I saw someone with the same hair or wearing a similar shirt or whatever.

It's a traumatic thing to deal with, and it sounds like you're dealing as well as can be expected. hang in there . . . I'm sending you sunshine from the west coast!

6/25/2005 5:48 PM  
Blogger Digitalicat said...

That little animation is fantastic. I think Omar is my new favorite person.

That's so sad about his parents. I'm not close to my parents anymore. I haven't been for a long time, really. But they're still at least kind of involved in my life.

6/25/2005 6:09 PM  
Blogger jazz said...

omar is totally my newy favorite person.

thanks to you jac, quyk, and digi.

yeah, he was sent off to boarding school at the age of 13 and his parents have been in china since then. he father is this uber famous corporate/securities lawyer in china. he's actually one of the first american lawyers to work in china in the mid 70's.

6/25/2005 8:01 PM  
Blogger Hermes said...

Jazz,

Damn, I feel for you. It's never easy, I've been there. Every day you'll find youself getting a little bit stronger than the previous... then, like a house of cards, you'll have a breakdown and be right back to square one. Just stay tough and strong.

6/25/2005 9:45 PM  
Blogger Ale said...

hey jasmine- i think you're grieving- i think its so normal that you think you see him in places or think he'll show up for class--

My grandmother was in an accident a few years ago and we used to always go visit her on saturdays at her house- and even a week after she passed away the next saturday i found myself getting ready to go see her in the morning- its so normal for us to understand life and not death-

they probably look down on us from upthere wherever they are, as they recline on their right side as they eat grapes and think: maan, if they only knew how comfortable we are up here, they wouldnt be missing us.

actually they're probably having so much fun, that they dont even look at us--- maybe they jet around in silver vespas and go visit with all the other people like, leonardo da vinci, cesar... cleopatra... i bet their social calindar is full---

6/25/2005 10:25 PM  
Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

I haven't really experienced suicide first hand, so I can't relate, but as always, I'm here for support and I hope you're spirits are raised sooner than later.

6/25/2005 11:29 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

You're not going crazy. After my good friend's dad passed away suddenly, I started seeing him all over the place, and I know I wasn't alone in this. In fact, it's been nearly two years, and I still see him...

She didn't cry at his funeral. And I've only seen her cry three times since he died. Everyone mourns differently. In fact, I still haven't shed a tear for her dad, but I miss him everyday.

It will get better, as the days go by. And I hope you feel better.

6/26/2005 12:31 AM  
Blogger Adrian said...

I am sorry to hear of the recent passing of your friend, especially the way it happened.

Unfortuantely, Im afraid I can't empathise, but I DO sympathise.

Like everybody else said, just let it all out and if I could, I would give you a hug too.

6/26/2005 9:16 AM  
Blogger Syar said...

i've experienced the death of a parent when i was really young, so my reaction time was a few years late. glad to know you're coping. denial happens, its one of those stages before the other stages before healing. i think. anyway, you'll be fine cause you have all of us here supporting you.

omar rocks man. that vole animation was awesome.

6/26/2005 10:35 PM  
Blogger AM said...

Denial will always be a part of it. I'm pretty sure you'd slowly move on and embrace acceptance. Just take it at your own (healthy) pace.

6/27/2005 11:51 AM  

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