a few things...

i want to thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers.

a few things have seeped into this story. dave had very recently been diagnosed with a type of lukemia that he was told would end his life sooner rather than later. there is some confusion about whether it was true. something about a mistake in the diagnosis. but it's unclear whether the mistake, if it was made at all, was made before or after his death (and found in the autopsy). regardless, modern medicine is a miracle (no matter what tom cruise and the scientologists seem to think), and a rational person has to think, "you were fully functional and heathy from the outside, you should have rode it out. they might have found a cure for it before you had to die from it." but if, as i suspect, its a culmination of things (upbringing, mental instability, alcoholism, stress, etc.), then the illness may have been the straw that broke that camel's back.

i met his parents today. they don't even know him. they were visibly bothered that they had no part in his life and that they didn't know their own son the way most of us did. they had no idea where to suggest for donations in lieu of flowers for the funeral. they didn't know what his passions were, the things he cared about. it was sad. in fact, it was the sight of them that finally made me cry.

i said in my list of 100 things that i can never cry for death. that isn't entirely true. when i find out initially, i'm emotionless. it's about 3-4 days later when everyone else is all cried out that i finally lose my stuff. i'm just slower at reacting or feeling or my body really resists it for some reason.

i think i'm actually losing my mind. i keep seeing dave places. 4 times today i saw a guy that i thought was him. in class, i kept looking back at the seat where he always sits. it was empty and every time i looked back, there was part of me that truly thought he was going to be there when i turned around next. it seems to be this really weird type of denial. the thing is that i didn't realize how constant he was. although i'd only go out with him every other week or so, he was ALWAYS outside school smoking a cigarrette. always. it is surreal to walk into or out of school and have him not be there. just walking up the stairs, it's obvious that something is different. we're not in kansas anymore toto.

this is my first experience with suicide, which i think is why it's messing with my head so much. i just don't get it, and as any virgo would know, it's awful to not have control or an understanding of something.

the one understanding i've seemed to grasp slightly is that this was bigger than all of us. that whatever demons were there, that all reason and logic were out the window. i just hope he ended up wherever he had hoped he'd end up by making this move. i hope that he got what he wanted. that if souls are hanging around somewhere, that his is finally at peace. i'll never understand (nor do i want to) where he was, but it's obviously a very painful place and i hope that he is out of his misery.

and still, i keep thinking i'll go to sleep and wake up and it will all have been a dream. still. i'm not at the point of comprehending that i'll never see or talk to him again. as i type this, i don't belive it for a second, even though i know it to be true. denial is a powerful thing...