Sunday, December 04, 2005

the west village mansion: a play

sorry about lack of decent posting as of late. i didn't realize how much this "day job" shit would interfere with my regularly scheduled life. i can never get to sample sales during the day. i have to see my nail lady on saturdays because they're closed sunday and only open until seven during the week. tiny annoyances, but actually my bank account balance has grown almost exponentially in the process. it's holiday season so the social calendar is a bit overbooked on top of that. plus, all random law school friends i haven't seen since taking the bar are all trying to catch up before the new year starts.

i had a trippy friday night which i will present to you in the form of a play.

location: east village, in a cab
time: 11:00 pm

emily: shit! this is the place! there's a line 50 people long!
jazz: didn't sean just say that it was some apartment party?
mel: he and a couple friends rented out a loft to have the party in.
jazz: free alcohol?
mel: no, a cash bar!
jazz: damn. but they had money to hire a bouncer to stand at the door?
emily: hope that it's an indication that the party inside rocks.
mel: we'll see!

group gets out of cab, get in line.

random girl on phone: there are another 40 people in line once you get inside the lobby and upstairs to the penthouse!
emily (on phone): sean, we're waiting in line. can you come out and get us?

sean comes down and points group out to bouncer who waves group over, which elicits minor rioting from people still standing outside. group enters party. loft is packed. makes way to bar to get drinks. scans crowd.

jazz: um guys...what do you think of this crowd?
mel: totally average. be right back!
emily: actually, most the guys here are flat out ugly. this sucks!
jazz: who is that that is buying melissa a drink? he's hot!

enter jack. 6'4", fair skin, dark hair, clean cut, square jaw. wearing suit with kerchief in the breast pocket. devastatingly beautiful. melissa and hot man walk over to us.

mel: emily and jazz, this is jack. he went to high school with me! re ran into each other on the street last week. isn't that crazy?!
jack: nice to meet you both. i can't stay long. i came from a meeting. i need to change and return my rental car. my porsche is being worked on but i get to pick it up tomorrow. blah blah i'm rich blah blah. (reduced to blahs because that's what it ended up sounding like by the end of the evening. the drivel never ended actually. i realize i like a guy with money, i just don't want him to talk about it).
jazz, turning to emily: what is michael doing tonight?

background info -- michael is 45 years old. FLAMING but thinks he's straight. has a fetish for asian girls and thinks he wants to marry emily. is extremely well connected.

emily: he's over at bill's. let's go over there.

location: west village
time: 12: 30am

emily: have you guys ever been to bill's before?
jazz and mel: no.
emily: you guys are gonna die. it's amazing.

group arrives to inconspicuous looking door. michael enters. opens door.

location: 5 floor mansion. minimalist decor, lots of open space. featuring a cabaret with a stage, a recording studio, an editing room, 5 bedrooms, 5 bath, chef's kitchen, landscaped outdoor terrace on ground floor, balconies on fourth and fifth floors opening up to front and back of apartment.

michael: hey guys! come on in! that was quick! everyone is in the kitchen making drinks, head up there.
mel: holy shit. (calling jack) dude, you have to get over here!

group walks up to chef's kitchen. sees about 12 other asian guys and girls there making cocktails.

group: hello
random asians: hello
emily: where's bill?
michael: upstairs in the editing room.

group walks up to find bill. enters room with synthesizers and computers all over the place. newspaper and magazine articles featuring bill hang on the wall. bill is playing some ditty on the keyboard, some man singing in the background.

bill: that's tyler. he's a counter tenor that i just produced an album for. EMI just picked it up. it'll be in stores by february.
jazz: bill, this place is beautiful.
bill: yeah, it was a mess when i bought it. i had to have the whole thing gutted and redesigned it myself from the bottom up.
mel: what is it you do again?
bill: i used to work for (insert major cable company name here). i founded (insert huge cable channel here i.e. MTV, VH1, discovery, E!) and then a few years after that founded (insert another huge cable channel here). now i'm producing music and doing a lot of photography. come downstairs so i can take your pictures!

group walks to livingroom where random asian group has formed a drum circle. yes, you read that right...a drum circle. two asian girls doing interpretive dance in the middle. bill sets up spotlights and deflectors.

jazz, to mel: i've never tried acid, but i'd imagine that this is the trippy stuff i'd see if i did.
mel: damn. they're all out of drums. no drum circle for us!
bill: girls, come sit here.

tons of picture taking ensues. bill issuing directions to us to turn this way or that. door buzzer goes. melissa jumps up.

mel: that's jack i think. jazz come with me and we'll go let him in.
jack: hey, i've totally been here before! this was where jenn sheft lived when they filmed the bachelorette! i was one of the top fifty contestants for that show and had to come here to interview.
bill, overhearing this: yes! abc paid me to move out for two months while they filmed the show here. flattering that they asked, but such an inconvenience! let me give you guys a tour!

walking down to base floor and onto terrace.

bill: that's julianne moore's house next door. she planted that willow tree a while back and the thing sheds all over my terrace. she pays to get it cleaned up though so no ill will there! and this is my cabaret room. i rent this space out to people. it's all things fun!

tour ends. drum circle disperses. random asian people leave. group sips wine and discusses events of the day. stock options. education. group leaves around 5:30 and goes to korea town for korean barbecue. returns home around 7am.


yesterday was spent at a Chrismukkah party at a friend's house. it was a sweet opportunity to get all fancied up and eat a lot of awesome hors d'oeuvres. in all, a lovely weekend. and today, i clean. ugh. laundry and cleaning is just ANOTHER thing that i don't have time for. pesky jobs...

19 people who played with me:

Blogger Wags said...

Sounds like a great evening. Don't worry about not posting as frequently as before, we all know that work sucks and eats into blogging time. The earliest I left work last week was 10pm. Ugh. At least they buy us dinner when we work late. I'm off to clean as well, Sunday chores.

12/04/2005 3:31 PM  
Blogger @ said...


I think you have a book deal coming soon. You stories are entertaining... as well as on the edge of reality. Definately book making material!

Have a great holiday!

ps.. Chrismukkah? Have you been watching too much of the O.C? Just teasing

12/04/2005 4:37 PM  
Blogger Andy said...

Good story. I live in the city now. Let's hang out biatch!

12/04/2005 6:05 PM  
Blogger JustJunebug said...

gosh you lead such a boring life. :O) if you ever need excitement come to Houston...not...

keep it up, WHENEVER you can.

12/04/2005 7:42 PM  
Blogger Syar said...


once I get to newq york, you're helping me out with acquiring a cool, new-york lifestyle, like the one you just illustrated here. i mean geez. drum circles??! sign me up!

don't worry about lack of posting. this was a pretty good read as it is. :-)

12/05/2005 1:06 AM  
Blogger R. U. Serious said...

You know, inviting only ugly guys to your party is an interesting tactic...

12/05/2005 2:44 AM  
Blogger Me said...

Holy wow! I can't wait to get there!!! Sounds like so much fun, nothing compared to too-small town here.

Glad you mentioned what he does for a living because that's my new favorite question. Anyone who owns an unbelievable nice place (esp. in NYC) really makes me wonder...

12/05/2005 4:32 AM  
Blogger MEP said...

Sounds like fun! If I am ever in NY I want to hang out with YOU! I'd get to meet all sorts of cool people.

12/05/2005 11:35 AM  
Blogger The infamous Jen said...

i want to live there and have exciting adventures! i spent the weekend working...yeah!

12/05/2005 11:35 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

That is really trippy, though totally awesome. Hope you have as many wild and entertaining Holiday adventures in the days to come.

12/05/2005 11:40 AM  
Blogger Joefish said...

I present to you a rundown of my own.

Friday night

10:00pm - Arrive at Sister's house, find no one home

10:01 - Let myself in with newly acquired copy of The Key

10:02 - Raid fridge, grab beer, deposit two dollars in alcohol fund glass on top of fridge

10:05 - Read blogs while I wait

10:15 - Write blog post about being entrusted with The Key

10:20 - Read more blogs

10:35 - Kiki from next door joins me, says hi, talks on cell phone

10:37 - Attempt to make some readers jealous by writing blog post about being alone in dark with Kiki

10:50 - Sister arrives home with friend

10:55 - Begin drinking more beer

11:05 - Sister's roommate arrives home

11:10 - Begin drinking more beer

11:30 - Ass around bluetoothing pictures from one handheld device to another

11:35 - Drink more beer

11:55 - Drink more beer

12:00 - Drink still more beer

1:10 - Get bored, go home

Monday Morning

10:45am - Read Jazz's latest post

10:50 - Become overcome with rage and jealousy

10:55 - Remember Jazz's boobs, feel better

11:00 - Begin writing snarky response comment

11:02 - Get bored with snarky response comment, get lazy, make evening seem like nothing but sad beer drinking

11:18 - Post response comment

11:19 - Think of Jazz's boobs, touch self

12/05/2005 12:18 PM  
Blogger JustJunebug said...

hey joefish what happened to sat and sun?? :O)

12/05/2005 12:57 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

Don't let all the glam go to your head!

12/05/2005 1:49 PM  
Blogger bigbill947 said...

Sounds like thw West Village...I worked in Sheridan Square in late 60's and early 70's visited alot ,lotta great Jazz , later worked , lived and played in New Awlins... now in Phuket -Thailand...What I would like to ask was where you got the ecard for gobble gobble for turkey day...I blogged it too ! got its link in email from a friend , must have been popular !
Is the Riviera Sidewalk Cafe still there...I worked there....Happy Holidays !

12/05/2005 3:59 PM  
Blogger Joefish said...

junebug, I really got bored with that. I got the important stuff in there.

12/05/2005 4:05 PM  
Blogger Squeaky said...

What? Of course I'm not jealous of your fabulous weekend. No seriously, why would I be? I spent Friday night shopping at Books-a-Million - that was a hot party, lemme tell you.

12/06/2005 12:11 AM  
Blogger cadiz12 said...

eh, jas, as much as your job is getting in the way of your life, i think you're finding time to cram in a little excitement here and there. i have no worries about you. just don't be a stranger, aiigt? (which is my skewdly appropo word verification right now)

12/06/2005 3:33 AM  
Blogger Amber Lynn said...

Makes me jealous of NY life, but I doubt mine would be half as glamorous, really.

Amber Lynn

12/06/2005 3:55 AM  
Blogger 1 said...

By comparison...I'm a boring old hag.

Your life sounds totally fab.

12/06/2005 1:42 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home