Thursday, March 31, 2005

This is a public service announcement

I didn’t know it had gotten so bad until a few weeks ago when my computer crashed and I lost all my music. I couldn’t plug it into itunes and add music b/c it would sync and erase all the songs. At first I thought, “okay, I just won’t put any more music on it till I figure all this out. no big deal.” Or so I thought…the rest of my life started to feel like it was falling apart. I was moving in this downward spiral and was seriously getting depressed. Nothing was going right. I was scattered. I wasn’t sleeping well. I had no job, exams are coming up, mounting credit card bills (which, were growing exponentially b/c I shop when I’m depressed, it’s a sick cycle). So I go to the ipod website. I click on “Support.” I looked for a 24 hour emergency hotline. I looked for a clinic I could check myself into. Nothing. Absolutely no links for EMOTIONAL SUPPORT which is really what I needed. I needed someone from Apple to talk me off the ledge. But, my story has a happy ending. I found the anapod explorer and life has been restored to its normal, if not slightly dull, state. But I don’t want this happening to anyone else out there. This is a call for Apple to create an ipod 911 emergency number. A place where people can call when they’re on the brink. Or maybe even an “IAA” (ipod addicts anonymous) group, for those of us who see this relationship as extremely unhealthy and need some help weaning ourselves off the cute, reliable, entire-music-library-on-the-go device.

Don’t let this happen to you!

call your local congressperson and tell them to vote "yes" on the bill that i'm currently writing that will require Apple to provide its consumers with the emotional stability they require.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

100 things

A lot of people have these "100 useless things" lists. I want to make one but not sure if i have the endurance. we'll see how far i get. thought it would be a good idea since nobody here knows a damn thing about me (ignoring the possibility that nobody cares). Andy said i should make a list of reasons why he should marry me. these are not it. well, maybe some of them are...

ed. note: updated sporadically since originally posted
1. My middle name is Leilani. It means "beautiful flower" in Hawaiian. My first name is a flower. It’s a bit redundant.
2. But it’s still better than Jennifer. I was almost a Jennifer. It wouldn’t have suited me.
3. I fake tan and don’t feel guilty about it.

4. tequila, as a shot, makes me really really ill.
5. I like a good dare. Bring it.
6. I've never been to canada.
7. It’s not that I’m good at everything, it’s that I don’t do anything unless I’m good at it.
8. I steal the internet regularly from someone named “Sandra.” ignoring the fact I have no idea what apartment she lives in, I want to find a way to thank her but will have to wait till I move out so I won’t be bothered when she finally decides to password protect her connection.
9. turn on: a good smelling guy
10. turn off: republicans

11. I read the new Yorker religiously but only scan the NYTimes every day. I wish this were reversed.
12. I’ve never smoked pot, or tried any other illegal drugs for that matter.
13. I don’t have cable t.v. I’m forced to use bunny ears to get the main channels.
14. If I could do it all over I’d go to cooking school instead of law school.
15. I’m starstruck by chefs. I used to work at a club where a lot of famous people hung out. i’d barely notice when bob deniro, will smith, paul mccartney came in. I completely could not function when Jamie Oliver came in. I worked Jean-Georges Vongerichten’s wedding and nearly fainted.
16. dream job: press secretary for the president of the united states
17. I can’t cry at weddings or funerals. It makes me feel like a soulless bitch.
18. I stress about whether I’m going to be able to get my suitcase in the overhead bin by myself. I hate having to ask for help, it makes me feel as though I’m playing the distressed damsel card.

19. Conversely, I hate going anywhere without at least 4 pairs of shoes. I’m between a rock and a hard place.
20. actually, I stress about a lot of things, all the time. I gave myself an ulcer in 7th grade.

21. I hate HATE cats. i think they feel the same way.
22. I don't like using caps when i don't have to, but sometimes i forget and use them anyway.
23. I like to go to movies alone.
24. I get impatient easily with people I’ve determined are dumb.
25. I’m brutally honest.
26. I cannot stand when people use “your” instead of “you’re” and vice versa. Same with there and their and they’re, to and too, you get the point.
27. I drown my skin in lotion every morning.
28. I have an irrational fear of undercooked chicken. I cook chicken until it’s dry and barely edible, which causes me to not like chicken much at all.
29. I don’t eat olives, barbeque sauce, salmon and bananas. I try all of them regularly, hoping that one day I’ll start to like them. No luck yet. I’ll die trying. Also, foods I hate that i have no guilt about hating: black licorice. fennel seeds. lemongrass (i'm allergic). cottage cheese. american cheese. rye bread.
30. I have a terrible sense of direction

31. all my life I’ve told people that I have my mother’s nose. I just found out that she got a nose job in high school. Now I have no idea whose nose I have.
32. my little brother is the coolest person I’ve ever known. He’s completely punked out, tattooed, smokes, listens to really cool music, drives way too fast. I wish I were a little more like him. I think I’m too conservative.
33. a second cousin from ohio was once on jerry springer for the “I love my pet more than my spouse” episode. He had a parrot.
34. I won’t order a meal until I’ve seen the dessert menu. I need to know whether to save room.
35. I’m ALWAYS on time.
36. I wink at people all the time without realizing it. I don’t know when it became a habit that I no longer have any control over. It gets me better tips at work (cocktailing) but most other people just think it’s weird.
37. I spend a lot of time with English people and sometimes the things I think to myself come out in a british accent. At least I never speak out loud in one. That would be really lame.
38. my mother planned my conception so I’d be born on the same day as her best friend. i came a day early.
39. I’m freakishly good at jigsaw puzzles.
40. I don’t know how to swim. I can only doggy paddle.

41. I’m a wine snob.
42. I didn’t know what my father looked like until I was in high school and my brother forced my mom to dig up the one picture she didn’t cut his head out of. He looks just like my brother.
43. I can’t stand watching women play basketball.
44. I like growing my hair long just so I can cut it all off.
45. I trust my stylist with my life. I seriously think I’d let him cut me open and operate on me. Maybe I should re-evaluate this…
46. I’m from Chicago but I’m a Yankees fan. People always accuse me of being this fake that follows the winners. NOT TRUE! I had white sox season tickets from the age of nine, then the strike in, what, 1994 made me so angry I stopped watching altogether. I got to college (in Ithaca, ny) and the guy I was dating was a Yankees fan and he taught me all about the players, I got attached. To the team, not to the guy. The guy didn’t last.
47. It takes me less than 20 minutes to be showered and out of the house in the morning.
48. I hear from guys that I’m intimidating. I think that’s bullshit.
49. people always comment on the color of my eyes, saying they're hazel or honey colored. To me, they’re just brown. I don’t see a difference.
50. I’m also really bad at telling hair color. I always say “light brown” when other people say the person is clearly a dirty blond. I don’t know when blond ends and brown begins…

51. I love movie musicals. i sing along. i don't always realize it.
52. I do a mean crossword.
53. I have boobs and I’m not afraid to use them.
54. Even when I’m in a relationship, I think valentine’s day is a ridiculous holiday. I refuse to recognize it.
55. I’ll only eat tuna salad if someone else makes it for me. It must have celery.
56. I drink vanilla skim lattes soy lattes.
57. I like my eggs over easy.
58. I love craigslist. I obsessively check missed connections. I always find them for other people I know. Always a bridesmaid….
59. my secret single behavior: going to the olive garden for soup, salad, and breadsticks. It’s embarrassing how happy it makes me.
60. When I get cravings, they do not go away until I satisfy them.

61. I’m slightly dyslexic. my grade in a college accounting class went from a C+ to an A after the teacher found out and went back over my exams. I’ll write 5 and 6 digit numbers completely in reverse.
62. I think goat cheese should be in everything. I tried to make crème brulee with goat cheese. I should leave things like that to a professional.
63. At bars I always request P.Y.T. by Michael Jackson
64. though I’ve been around (not going to say how much, suffice it to say that it’s enough) I guess I still haven’t had enough sex to not feel even slightly attached to a guy after I sleep with him. Unless it’s bad sex…then I have no problem never seeing him again.
65. I’m inexorably attracted to trumpet players.
66. my best friend in high school died of an aneurism the day we were to take the SAT’s. she was brilliant. She would have been something great.
67. people always ask me, “what are you?” answer: ½ Chinese, ¼ german, 1/8 irish and 1/8 english. What I say: “American.” Europeans think we’re ridiculous to talk about heritage when we are simply American. We were born here, our parents were likely born here. Ethnicity is so amorphous.
68. I don’t like chocolate. I know. Its blasphemous.
69. I’m a Francophile. I know about 40 words in French and toss them out as often as possible. Je detest la tour…
70. I speak Spanish relatively well and am teaching myself sign language.

71. I read the whole Nancy Drew series in a month and a half when I was in 6th grade. It was nearly 4 books a day, and no, apparently, I didn’t have any friends. Nancy was a pretty decent fucking role model and even today I still love a good mystery.
72. I used to be able to win super Mario bros. in one life. I do not think that this makes me cool.
73. I also had an Atari. I do think that this makes me cool.
74. I can always tell when people are lying to me.
75. I bruise easily and often discover huge welts on my arms and legs with no knowledge of where they came from.
76. my roommate gets annoyed with me because I never notice when the shower is dirty. I never have my contacts in and can’t even really see my feet in the shower without them. I have to remember to check that shit out after I put my glasses on.
77. will this list ever end? For fuck’s sake.
78. everyone thinks I’m hugely extroverted. To be honest, I really prefer to be alone.
79. kangaroos scare the shit out of me.
80. as do spiders but I pretend they don’t bother me because I don’t want to look too weak or girly.

81. I have two one dog (with my mom in CA): boo (lhasa) and my murph is up in doggy heaven. I bought them Derek Jeter jerseys. Its sickeningly cute.
82. I think people who put booties or shoes on dogs are silly.
83. I don’t know if I want children
84. I want them so I can name them.
85. but if I had them, I wouldn’t actually have them. I’d adopt.
86. so I probably wouldn’t get to name them at all. Quelle domage! I guess I should stick to dogs.
87. I love opera. I used to train classically

88. I like walking around the house naked.
89. I think Montessori kids who, as adults, talk of being Montessori raised should be slapped.
90. I only eat hard tacos. None of that soft shit! this was pre-real mexican taco experience. i've of course now seen the error of my ways. soft only! as long as they're corn tortillas and are homemade. i'm a taco snob too now...

91. when I write letters, I write them with a fountain pen in pink ink (or occasionally a classic brown). comment romantique.
92. I own more than 200 pairs of underwear. and almost as many shoes.
93. I had a happy childhood.
95. but I miss driving, being able to just cruise around with the musing blaring and the windows rolled down.
96. I absolutely believe that that guy John Edwards talks with dead people and it freaks me out. editing this out mostly because who even knows if that dude is even still alive? i could google it, but i care too little to even go through the motions.
97. I’m uber critical of myself and others.
98. I’m awful at staying in touch with people.

99. my feet aren't ticklish.
100. my favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip from baskin robbins.


watchin the new Bachelor. is ABC fucking kidding? the best they could do is the arguably not-even-better-looking brother of a C-list actor. please...

Monday, March 28, 2005

The reason

until recently, the only blogs i read religiously were those by zack braff and jason mraz (who is absolutely hilarious). I've discovered comedy central genius intern andy and funny funny lunatic and am realizing i am not nearly entertaining enough to sustain anyone's attention with random ramblings. you need a better reason to read this. so what else do i have to offer? i know things. i know this city. i am going to share. keep an eye out for everything from fabulous date spots and travel tips to other useless but fun info i pick up who knows where.

to begin, i spend A LOT of time with english people. the girl i lived with last year who turned into a great friend, is a brit. she now lives with a good friend of hers from home, again, english. They both have several friends that live here and even more that visit. i worked at the soho house, sister club to famed soho house london and so all the managers and half the staff...english. here are some fun words, use them with wild abandon!

geezer: (GEEZ-ah) any person. ali g uses this a lot. "hey geezer, want to go to lunch?"

minger: (MING-ah) an ugly person. "she's a minger" and also, "he's minging."

pull: to hook up. "we pulled." "i pulled him" <---this is my favorite. i use it ALL the time.

wanker: (WANK-ah) an asshole.

take the piss or take the mick: to make fun of. "i'm just taking the piss" or "i'm taking the mick out of you" the words mick and piss can be used interchangeably.

Essex: a place in england. beware of girls and guys from essex. they have the reputation for being trashy. unless you like that in a person. people from essex know the reputation and are ALWAYS very proud to be from there and love it. ick.

There are two types of newspapers in london: titty papers and the others. many of londons main newspapers have half naked women in them. London's most popular paper, The Sun, has a "page 3 girl," a featured topless girl who is usually trying to kick off her modeling or acting career. they are almost always 20 and younger.

tipping: raining

fit: good looking. use where you'd normally use the word hot.

fringe: bangs. you know, those short hairs that girls have, they fall in your eyes.

chip butty: a french fry sandwich. literally, french fries (chips) between two pieces of buttered or mayonnaise laden bread. as if the fries didn't have enough fat/carbs....

bangers and mash: sausage and mashed potatoes.

toad in the hole: a dish that is sausages baked in yorkshire pudding (the batter that makes cream puffs and eclairs). i usually forget the name and call it "frog in the pit" the girls love making fun of me for that one....

pimms cup: THE drink in london in the summer. find a pub that serves it. make sure they serve it with lots of mint and oranges and other fruit.

shandy: half beer half lemonade (see below)

lemonade: sprite or 7up. i'm not sure what they call real lemonade.

vest top: a tank top

pants: underwear

trousers: pants

i'll add more as i think of them.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

let's start at the very beginning...

so i'm still getting used to this blog thing. i started doing it on myspace. it was therapeutic. i was honest and neurotic. then i realized complete strangers were reading it. some girl told me she thought i needed to take up knitting. it freaked me out. i had thought i was under the radar. i'm also realizing as i type that i probably shouldn't have my picture up there. this isn't friendster or myspace. who knows what kind of shit i'll be saying about people here. gotta watch my back ;)

going to a CAKE party tonight. theme: serve and be served. sounds like leather is only appropriate. i have no leather. not even one of those hipster cuffs that are nearly as ubiquitous as those damn livestrong bands. herein lies the question that every fashion forward woman asks herself every day, "what the fuck do i wear?" to be honest, i'm not that fussed about it but my friend Pretty (a guy, and no, that's not his real name, it's what i call him when he's not around) really REALLY wants to go. for those unfamiliar with CAKE, its a cultish all-female group that throw a decent party about once a month but the myth is that it is this huge sex-fest filled with go-go dancers, chocolate icing, and nipples galore. in reality, go-go dancers=yes, icing and nipples=no. the last one did have an all female band that did nothing but led zeppelin covers, Lez Zeppelin. they fuckin rocked, though i think covering "over the hills and far away" is sacrilegious, but i digress. the point of all this? a man cannot go unless invited by a woman. i'm the only one Pretty feels that he can ask to take him. Pretty found out i've sent naughty pictures of myself to a guy and had fulfilled a fantasy of his by showing up at his door in nothing but a trench coat and stilettos (neither of which is all that risque) and now Pretty thinks i'm some sort of voyeur. that guy needs to get out more. i suppose that's where i come in. to usher him into his orgy party.

now where the hell do i find a whip at this time of night?

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Under Construction

i'll return...

am trying to hammer out a paper before i spend time on this...